The Alchemist by Ben Jonson (best way to read an ebook txt) 📕

to, far and near, all over England,
To have his counsel, and to know their fortunes. Kastril

God’s will, my sister shall see him.

Face

I’ll tell you, sir,
What he did tell me of Nab. It’s a strange thing:⁠—
By the way, you must eat no cheese, Nab, it breeds melancholy,
And that same melancholy breeds worms; but pass it:⁠—
He told me, honest Nab here was ne’er at tavern
But once in’s life!

Drugger

Truth, and no more I was not.

Face

And then he was so sick⁠—

Drugger

Could he tell you that too?

Face

How should I know it?

Drugger

In troth we had been a-shooting,
And had a piece of fat ram-mutton to supper,
That lay so heavy o’ my stomach⁠—

Face

And he has no head
To bear any wine; for what with the noise of the fiddlers,
And care of his shop, for he dares keep no servants⁠—

Drugger

My head did so ache⁠—

Face

And he was fain to be brought home,
The Doctor told me: and then a good old woman⁠—

Drugger

Yes, faith, she dwells in Sea-coal Lane⁠—did cure me,
With sodden ale, and pellitory of the wall;
Cost me but twopence. I had another sickness
Was worse than that.

Face

Ay, that was with the grief
Thou took’st for being ’sessed at eighteen-pence,
For the water-work.

Drugger

In truth, and it was like
T’ have cost me almost my life.

Face

Thy hair went off?

Drugger

Yes, sir; ’twas done for spite.

Face

Nay, so says the Doctor.

Kastril

Pray thee, tobacco-boy, go fetch my sister;
I’ll see this learned boy before I go;
And so shall she.

Face

Sir, he is busy now:
But if you have a sister to fetch hither,
Perhaps your own pains may command her sooner;
And he by that time will be free.

Kastril

I go.

Exit. Face

Drugger, she’s thine: the damask!⁠—

Exit Drugger.

Subtle and I
Must wrestle for her.
Aside.
—Come on, master Dapper,
You see how I turn clients here away,
To give your cause dispatch; have you performed
The ceremonies were enjoined you?

Dapper

Yes, of the vinegar,
And the clean shirt.

Face

’Tis well: that shirt may do you
More worship than you think. Your aunt’s afire,
But that she will not show it, t’ have a sight of you.
Have you provided for her Grace’s servants?

Dapper

Yes, here are six score Edward shillings.

Face

Good!

Dapper

And an old Harry’s sovereign.

Face

Very good!

Dapper

And three James shillings, and an Elizabeth groat,
Just twenty nobles.

Face

O, you are too just.
I would you had had the other noble in Marys.

Dapper

I have some Philip and Marys.

Face

Ay, those same
Are best of all: where are they? Hark, the Doctor.

Enter Subtle, disguised like a priest of Fairy, with a stripe of cloth. Subtle

In a feigned voice. Is yet her grace’s cousin come?

Face

He is come.

Subtle

And is he fasting?

Face

Yes.

Subtle

And hath cried hum?

Face

Thrice, you must answer.

Dapper

Thrice.

Subtle

And as oft buz?

Face

If you have, say.

Dapper

I have.

Subtle

Then, to her cuz,
Hoping that he hath vinegared his senses,
As he was bid, the Fairy Queen dispenses,
By me, this robe, the petticoat of fortune;
Which that he straight put on, she doth importune.
And though to fortune near be her petticoat,
Yet nearer is her smock, the Queen doth note:
And therefore, ev’n of that a piece she hath sent
Which, being a child, to wrap him in was rent;
And prays him for a scarf he now will wear it,
With as much love as then her Grace did tear it,
About his eyes, to show he is fortunate.
They blind him with the rag.
And, trusting unto her to make his state,
He’ll throw away all worldly pelf about him;
Which that he will perform, she doth not doubt him.

Face

She need not doubt him, sir. Alas, he has nothing,
But what he will part withal as willingly,
Upon her Grace’s word⁠—throw away your purse⁠—
As she would ask it;⁠—handkerchiefs and all⁠—
He throws away, as they bid him.
She cannot bid that thing, but he’ll obey.⁠—
If you have a ring about you, cast it off,
Or a silver seal at your wrist; her Grace will send
Her fairies here to search you, therefore deal
Directly with her highness: if they find
That you conceal a mite, you are undone.

Dapper

Truly, there’s all.

Face

All what?

Dapper

My money; truly.

Face

Keep nothing that is transitory about you.
Aside to Subtle.
Bid Dol play music.⁠—
Dol plays on the cittern within.
Look, the elves are come.
To pinch you, if you tell not truth. Advise you.

They pinch him. Dapper

O! I have a paper with a spur-rial in’t.

Face

Ti, ti.
They knew’t, they say.

Subtle

Ti, ti, ti, ti. He has more yet.

Face

Ti, ti-ti-ti.
Aside to Subtle.
In the other pocket.

Subtle

Titi, titi, titi, titi, titi.
They must pinch him or he will never confess, they say.

They pinch him again. Dapper

O, O!

Face

Nay, pray you, hold: he is her Grace’s nephew,
Ti, ti, ti? What care you? Good faith, you shall care.⁠—
Deal plainly, sir, and shame the fairies. Show
You are innocent.

Dapper

By this good light, I have nothing.

Subtle

Ti, ti, ti, ti, to, ta. He does equivocate she says:
Ti, ti do ti, ti ti do, ti da;
and swears by the Light when he is blinded.

Dapper

By this good Dark, I have nothing but a half-crown
Of gold about my wrist, that my love gave me;
And a leaden heart I wore since she forsook me.

Face

I thought ’twas something. And would you incur
Your aunt’s displeasure for these trifles? Come,
I had rather you had thrown away twenty half-crowns.
Takes it off.
You may wear your leaden heart still.⁠—

Enter Dol hastily.

How now!

Subtle

What news, Dol?

Dol Common

Yonder’s your knight, Sir Mammon.

Face

’Ods lid, we never thought of him till now!
Where is he?

Dol Common

Here hard by: he is at the door.

Subtle

And you are not ready now! Dol, get his suit.

Exit Dol.

He must not be sent back.

Face

O, by no means.
What shall we do with this same puffin here,
Now he’s on the spit?

Subtle

Why, lay him back awhile,
With some device.

Re-enter Dol, with Face’s