The Alchemist by Ben Jonson (best way to read an ebook txt) 📕
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First performed in 1610, The Alchemist is one of Ben Jonson’s greatest comedies. Written for the King’s Men—the acting company to which Shakespeare belonged—it was first performed in Oxford because the playhouses in London were closed due to the plague. It was an immediate success and has remained a popular staple ever since.
The play centers around a con man, his female accomplice, and a roguish butler who uses his master’s house to gull a series of victims out of their money and goods. Jonson uses the play to satirize as many people as he can—pompous lords, greedy commoners, and self-righteous Anabaptists alike—as his three con artists proceed to bilk everyone who comes to their door. They don multiple roles and weave elaborate tales to exploit their victims’ greed and amass a small fortune. But it all comes to a sudden, raucous end when the master unexpectedly returns to London and all the victims gather to try and reclaim their property.
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- Author: Ben Jonson
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Nay, that look you to,
I am aforehand.
O, this is no true grammar,
And as ill logic! You must render causes, child,
Your first and second intentions, know your canons
And your divisions, moods, degrees, and differences,
Your predicaments, substance, and accident,
Series, extern and intern, with their causes,
Efficient, material, formal, final,
And have your elements perfect.
Aside. What is this?
The angry tongue he talks in?
That false precept,
Of being aforehand, has deceived a number,
And made them enter quarrels, oftentimes,
Before they were aware; and afterward,
Against their wills.
How must I do then, sir?
SubtleI cry this lady mercy: she should first
Have been saluted.
Kisses her.
I do call you lady,
Because you are to be one, ere’t be long,
My soft and buxom widow.
Is she, i’faith?
SubtleYes, or my art is an egregious liar.
KastrilHow know you?
SubtleBy inspection on her forehead,
And subtlety of her lip, which must be tasted
Often to make a judgment.
Kisses her again.
’Slight, she melts
Like a myrobolane:—here is yet a line,
In rivo frontis, tells me he is no knight.
What is he then, sir?
SubtleLet me see your hand.
O, your linea fortunae makes it plain;
And stella here in monte Veneris.
But, most of all, junctura annularis.
He is a soldier, or a man of art, lady,
But shall have some great honour shortly.
Brother,
He’s a rare man, believe me!
Hold your peace.
Here comes the t’other rare man.—’Save you, Captain.
Good master Kastril! Is this your sister?
KastrilAy, sir.
Please you to kiss her, and be proud to know her.
I shall be proud to know you, lady.
Kisses her. Dame PliantBrother,
He calls me lady too.
Ay, peace: I heard it.
Takes her aside. FaceThe count is come.
SubtleWhere is he?
FaceAt the door.
SubtleWhy, you must entertain him.
FaceWhat will you do
With these the while?
Why, have them up, and show them
Some fustian book, or the dark glass.
’Fore God,
She is a delicate dabchick! I must have her.
Must you! Ay, if your fortune will, you must.—
Come, sir, the Captain will come to us presently:
I’ll have you to my chamber of demonstrations,
Where I will show you both the grammar and logic,
And rhetoric of quarrelling; my whole method
Drawn out in tables; and my instrument,
That hath the several scales upon’t, shall make you
Able to quarrel at a straw’s-breadth by moonlight.
And, lady, I’ll have you look in a glass,
Some half an hour, but to clear your eyesight,
Against you see your fortune; which is greater,
Than I may judge upon the sudden, trust me.
Where are you, Doctor?
SubtleWithin. I’ll come to you presently.
FaceI will have this same widow, now I have seen her,
On any composition.
What do you say?
FaceHave you disposed of them?
SubtleI have sent them up.
FaceSubtle, in troth, I needs must have this widow.
SubtleIs that the matter?
FaceNay, but hear me.
SubtleGo to.
If you rebel once, Dol shall know it all:
Therefore be quiet, and obey your chance.
Nay, thou art so violent now—Do but conceive,
Thou art old, and canst not serve—
Who cannot? I?
’Slight, I will serve her with thee, for a—
Nay,
But understand: I’ll give you composition.
I will not treat with thee; what! Sell my fortune?
’Tis better than my birthright. Do not murmur:
Win her, and carry her. If you grumble, Dol
Knows it directly.
Well, sir, I am silent.
Will you go help to fetch in Don in state?
I follow you, sir. We must keep Face in awe,
Or he will overlook us like a tyrant.
Brain of a tailor! Who comes here? Don John!
Pertinax SurlySeñores, beso las manos a vuestras mercedes.
SubtleWould you had stooped a little, and kissed our anos!
FacePeace, Subtle.
SubtleStab me; I shall never hold, man.
He looks in that deep ruff like a head in a platter,
Served in by a short cloak upon two trestles.
Or, what do you say to a collar of brawn, cut down
Beneath the souse, and wriggled with a knife?
’Slud, he does look too fat to be a Spaniard.
FacePerhaps some Fleming or some Hollander got him
In d’Alva’s time; Count Egmont’s bastard.
Don,
Your scurvy, yellow, Madrid face is welcome.
Gratia.
SubtleHe speaks out of a fortification.
Pray God he have no squibs in those deep sets.
Por dios, señores, muy linda casa!
SubtleWhat says he?
FacePraises the house, I think;
I know no more but’s action.
Yes, the casa,
My precious Diego, will prove fair enough
To cozen you in. Do you mark? You shall
Be cozened, Diego.
Cozened, do you see,
My worthy Donzel, cozened.
Entiendo.
SubtleDo you intend it? So do we, dear Don.
Have you brought pistolets, or portagues,
My solemn Don?—Dost thou feel any?
Feels his pockets. Full.
SubtleYou shall be emptied, Don, pumped and drawn
Dry, as they say.
Milked, in troth, sweet Don.
SubtleSee all the monsters; the great lion of all, Don.
Pertinax SurlyCon licencia, se puede ver a esta señora?
SubtleWhat talks he now?
FaceOf the Señora.
SubtleO, Don,
This is the lioness, which you shall see
Also, my Don.
’Slid, Subtle, how shall we do?
SubtleFor what?
FaceWhy Dol’s employed, you know.
SubtleThat’s true.
’Fore heaven, I know not: he must stay, that’s all.
Stay! That he must not by no means.
SubtleNo! Why?
FaceUnless you’ll mar all. ’Slight, he will suspect it:
And then he will not pay, not half so well.
This is a travelled punk-master, and does know
All the delays; a notable hot rascal,
And looks already rampant.
’Sdeath, and Mammon
Must not be troubled.
Mammon! In no case.
SubtleWhat shall we do then?
FaceThink: you must be sudden.
Pertinax Surly
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