The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) 📕

way was to force every event in nature into an hypothesis, by which means never man crucified Truth at the rate he did⁠⸺⁠had but just heard of the report as my uncle Toby set out; and catching fire suddenly at the trespass done his brother by it, was demonstrating to Yorick, notwithstanding my mother was sitting by⁠⸺⁠not only, “That the devil was in women, and that the whole of the affair was lust;” but that every evil and disorder in the world, of what kind or nature soever, from the first fall of Adam, down to my uncle Toby’s (inclusive), was owing one way or other to the same unruly appetite.

Yorick was just bringing my father’s hypothesis to some temper, when my uncle Toby entering the room with marks of infinite benevolence and forgiveness in his looks, my father’s eloquence rekindled against the passion⁠⸺⁠and as he was not very nice in the choice of his words when he was wroth⁠⸺⁠as soon as my uncle Toby was seated by the fire, and had filled his pipe, my father broke out in this manner.

XXXIII

⸺⁠That provision should be made for continuing the race of so great, so exalted and godlike a Being as man⁠—I am far from denying⁠—but philosophy speaks freely of everything; and therefore I still think and do maintain it to be a pity, that it should be done by means of a passion which bends down the faculties, and turns all the wisdom, contemplations, and operations of the soul backwards⁠⸺⁠a passion, my dear, continued my father, addressing himself to my mother, which couples and equals wise men with fools, and makes us come out of our caverns and hiding-places more like satyrs and four-footed beasts than men.

I know it will be said, continued my father (availing himself of the Prolepsis), that in itself, and simply taken⁠⸺⁠like hunger, or thirst, or sleep⁠⸺’tis an affair neither good or bad⁠—or shameful or otherwise.⁠⸺⁠Why then did the delicacy of Diogenes and Plato so recalcitrate against it? and wherefore, when we go about to make and plant a man, do we put out the candle? and for what reason is it, that all the parts thereof⁠—the congredients⁠—the preparations⁠—the instruments, and whatever serves thereto, are so held as to be conveyed to a cleanly mind by no language, translation, or periphrasis whatever?

⸺⁠The act of killing and destroying a man, continued my father, raising his voice⁠—and turning to my uncle Toby⁠—you see, is glorious⁠—and the weapons by which we do it are honourable⁠⸺⁠We march with them upon our shoulders⁠⸺⁠We strut with them by our sides⁠⸺⁠We gild them⁠⸺⁠We carve them⁠⸺⁠We inlay them⁠⸺⁠We enrich them⁠⸺⁠Nay, if it be but a scoundrel cannon, we cast an ornament upon the breach of it.⁠—

⸺⁠My uncle Toby laid down his pipe to intercede for a better epithet⁠⸺⁠and Yorick was rising up to batter the whole hypothesis to pieces⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠When Obadiah broke into the middle of the room with a complaint, which cried out for an immediate hearing.

The case was this:

My father, whether by ancient custom of the manor, or as impropriator of the great tythes, was obliged to keep a Bull for the service of the Parish, and Obadiah had led his cow upon a pop-visit to him one day or other the preceding summer⁠⸺⁠I say, one day or other⁠—because as chance would have it, it was the day on which he was married to my father’s housemaid⁠⸺⁠so one was a reckoning to the other. Therefore when Obadiah’s wife was brought to bed⁠—Obadiah thanked God⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠Now, said Obadiah, I shall have a calf: so Obadiah went daily to visit his cow.

She’ll calve on Monday⁠—on Tuesday⁠—on Wednesday at the farthest⁠⸺⁠

The cow did not calve⁠⸺⁠no⁠—she’ll not calve till next week⁠⸺⁠the cow put it off terribly⁠⸺⁠till at the end of the sixth week Obadiah’s suspicions (like a good man’s) fell upon the Bull.

Now the parish being very large, my father’s Bull, to speak the truth of him, was no way equal to the department; he had, however, got himself, somehow or other, thrust into employment⁠—and as he went through the business with a grave face, my father had a high opinion of him.

⸺⁠Most of the townsmen, an’ please your worship, quoth Obadiah, believe that ’tis all the Bull’s fault⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠But may not a cow be barren? replied my father, turning to Doctor Slop.

It never happens: said Dr. Slop, but the man’s wife may have come before her time naturally enough⁠⸺⁠Prithee has the child hair upon his head?⁠—added Dr. Slop⁠⸻

⸺⁠It is as hairy as I am; said Obadiah.⁠⸺⁠Obadiah had not been shaved for three weeks⁠⸺⁠Wheu - - u - - - - u - - - - - - - - cried my father; beginning the sentence with an exclamatory whistle⁠⸺⁠and so, brother Toby, this poor Bull of mine, who is as good a Bull as ever p⁠⸺⁠ss’d, and might have done for Europa herself in purer times⁠⸺⁠had he but two legs less, might have been driven into Doctors Commons and lost his character⁠⸺⁠which to a Town Bull, brother Toby, is the very same thing as his life⁠⸻

L⁠⸺⁠d! said my mother, what is all this story about?⁠⸺⁠

A cock and a bull, said Yorick⁠⸺⁠And one of the best of its kind, I ever heard.

Endnotes

It is perhaps barely necessary to observe that the parallel does not extend to a further parallel between republication and talebearing. Once published, the thing is public. ↩

The Romish Rituals direct the baptizing of the child, in cases of danger, before it is born;⁠—but upon this proviso, That some part or other of the child’s body be seen by the baptizer:⁠⸺⁠But the Doctors of the Sorbonne, by a deliberation held amongst them, April 10, 1733⁠—have enlarged the powers of the midwives, by determining, That though no part of the child’s body should appear,⁠⸺⁠that baptism shall, nevertheless, be administered to it by injection⁠—par le moyen d’une petite canulle⁠—Anglicè a squirt.⁠⸺’Tis very strange that St. Thomas Aquinas, who had so good a mechanical head, both for tying and untying the knots of school-divinity⁠—should, after so much pains bestowed upon this⁠—give up