English as She Is Spoke by Pedro Carolino (the snowy day read aloud .txt) 📕
Description
In 1855 Pedro Carolino set out to write an English phrasebook for Portuguese travelers visiting England. The only problem was that he couldn’t speak English. Undeterred by this minor setback, Carolino decided to base his guide on a respected Portuguese–French phrasebook written by José da Fonseca. He took the French translations of Portuguese, and used a French–English dictionary to translate those to English.
The result was an unintentional comedy of literal translation, as English phrases like “the walls have ears” became “the walls have hearsay” (via the Portuguese as paredes têm ouvidos), and “waiting for someone to open the door” became “to craunch the marmoset” (via a ridiculous misreading of archaic English, and the shape of the grotesque door knockers popular at the time).
The entire guide was quite large, and not only was it of no practical use as an actual phrasebook, but its length made it too much of a slog to appeal as a comedy. But its legend slowly grew, until in 1883 it was republished in an abridged form as a book of humor titled English as She Is Spoke (a phrase which, incidentally, doesn’t appear in the book itself). The abridged edition, taking the comedic highlights from the long and tedious original, is the edition that became famous. This Standard Ebooks edition is based on that abridgment.
The book’s absurd mistranslations were said to have made Lincoln laugh aloud when read to him by his secretary John Hay, and Mark Twain said that “nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect.”
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- Author: Pedro Carolino
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For to Buy
I won’t have a good and fine cloth to make a coat.
How much do you sell it the ell?
We thout overcharge you from a halfpenny, it cost twenty franks.
Sir, I am not accustomed to cheapen: tell me the last price.
I have told you, sir, it is valuable in that.
It is too much dear, I give at it, eighteen franks.
You shall not have what you have wished.
You did beg me my last word, I told you them.
Well, well, cut them two ells.
Don’t you will not more?
No, at present.
For to Dine
Go to dine, the dinner is ready.
Cut some bread; here is it, I don’t know that boiled meat is good.
Gentilman, will you have some beans?
Peter, uncork a Porto wine bottle.
Sir, what will you to?
Some pears, and apples, what wilt you?
Taste us rather that liquor, it is good for the stomach.
I am too much obliged to you, is done.
For to Speak French
How is the french? Are you too learned now?
I could to tell some word’s that I know by heart.
Not apprehend you, the french language is not difficult.
I know it, and she have great deal of agreeableness. Who I would be. If I was know it!
It must to study for to learn it. How long there is it what you learn it?
It is not yet a month.
How is called your master?
It is called N⸺
I know him it is long; he has teached a many of my friends. Don’t he tell you that it must to speak french?
For to See the Town
Anthony, go to accompany they gentilsmen, do they see the town.
We won’t to see all that is it remarquable here.
Admire this master piece gothic architecture’s.
The chasing of all they figures is astonishing indeed.
The streets are very layed out by line and too paved.
There is it also hospitals here?
It not fail them.
What are then the edifices the worthest to have seen?
It is the arsnehal, the spectacle’s hall, the cusiom-house and the Purse.
We are going too see the others monuments such that the public pawnbroker’s office, the plants garden’s the money office’s, the library.
To Inform One’self of a Person
How is that gentilman who you did speak by and by.
Is a German.
Tongh he is German, he speak so much well italyan, french, spanish, and english, that among the Italyans, they believe him Italyan, he speak the frenche as the Frenches himselves. The Spanishesmen belie ve him Spanishing, and the Englishes, Englisman.
It is difficult to enjoy well so much several langages.
For to Ride a Horse
Here is a horse who have a bad looks. Give me another; I will not that. He not sall know to march, he is pursy, he is foundered. Don’t you are ashamed to give me a jade as like? he is undshoed, he is with nails up; it want to lead to the farrier.
Your pistols are its loads?
No; I forgot to buy gun-powder and balls. Let us prick. Go us more fast never I was seen a so much bad beast; she will not nor to bring forward neither put back.
Strek him the bridle, hold him the reins sharters. Pique stron gly, make to marsh him.
I have pricked him enough. But I can’t to make march him.
Go down, I shall make march.
Take care that he not give you a foot kick’s.
Then he kicks for that I look? Sook here if I knew to tame hix.
With a Watch Maker
I bring you a watch that want to be ordered.
I had the misfortune to leave fall down the instant where I did mounted, it must to put again a glass.
I want not a pendulum? I have them here some very good.
Don’t you live me her proof againts? I shall not accept that this condition.
For to Visit a Sick
How have you passed the night?
Very bad. I have not sleeped; I have had the fever during all night. I fell some pain every where body.
Live me see your tongue. Have you pain to the heart?
Are you altered?
Yes, I have thursty often.
Your stat have nothing from trouble some.
What I may to eat?
You can take a broth.
Can I to get up my self?
Yes, during a hour or two.
Let me have another thing to do?
Take care to hold you warme ly, and in two or three days you shall be cured.
For to Travel
Where you go so?
I am going to Cadiz.
Have you already arrested a coach?
Yes, sir, and very cheap.
There is it some danger on the highway?
It is not spoken that.
They speak not that may have some robbers on the woods?
It have nothing to fear, or in day neither the night.
Don’t we does pass for a⸺?
No, sir, they leave it to left.
Let us take patience, still some o’clock, and we shall be in the end of our voyage.
With a Inn Keeper
What you give us for to take supper.
Gentlemen, what you will have.
Give us a pigeon couple, a piece of ham and a salad.
What have us expended?
The accout mount in little the supper, the bed and the breakfast, shall get up at thirty franks.
From the House-Keeping
I don’t know more what I won’t with they servants.
I tell the same, it is not more some good servants. Any one take care to sweep neither to make fire at what I may be up.
How the times are changed! Anciently I had some servants who were divine my thought. The duty was done at the instant, all things were cleanly hold one may look on the furnitures now as you do see. It is too different, whole is covered from dust; the pier-glasses, side-boards, the pantries, the chests of drawers, the walls selves, are changed of colours.
Believe me, send again whole the people; I take upon my self to find you some good servants for to succeed them.
Ah! what I shall be oblige to you of it!
For the Comedy
Were you go to the theatre yesterday?
Yes, sir; I won’t to see the new play in which did owed to play and actress which has not appeared on any theatre.
How you think her?
She
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