English as She Is Spoke by Pedro Carolino (the snowy day read aloud .txt) 📕
Description
In 1855 Pedro Carolino set out to write an English phrasebook for Portuguese travelers visiting England. The only problem was that he couldn’t speak English. Undeterred by this minor setback, Carolino decided to base his guide on a respected Portuguese–French phrasebook written by José da Fonseca. He took the French translations of Portuguese, and used a French–English dictionary to translate those to English.
The result was an unintentional comedy of literal translation, as English phrases like “the walls have ears” became “the walls have hearsay” (via the Portuguese as paredes têm ouvidos), and “waiting for someone to open the door” became “to craunch the marmoset” (via a ridiculous misreading of archaic English, and the shape of the grotesque door knockers popular at the time).
The entire guide was quite large, and not only was it of no practical use as an actual phrasebook, but its length made it too much of a slog to appeal as a comedy. But its legend slowly grew, until in 1883 it was republished in an abridged form as a book of humor titled English as She Is Spoke (a phrase which, incidentally, doesn’t appear in the book itself). The abridged edition, taking the comedic highlights from the long and tedious original, is the edition that became famous. This Standard Ebooks edition is based on that abridgment.
The book’s absurd mistranslations were said to have made Lincoln laugh aloud when read to him by his secretary John Hay, and Mark Twain said that “nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect.”
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- Author: Pedro Carolino
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Good bye, my dear sir, etc.
Mothe to the duchess of the Maine
My lady, I have a complaint to present you. So much happy that might be one’s self, one have not all theirs eases in this world. Your letters are shortest. You have plaied wonderfully all sentiments; less her prattle, etc.
Montesquieu to the abbot Nicolini
Allow me, my dear abbot, who I remind me of your friendship. I recommend you M. of the Condamine. I shall tell you nothing, else he is a of my friends. Her great celebrity may tell you from others things, and her presence will say you the remains. My dear abbot, I will love you even the death.
AnecdotesCuttler, a very rich man too many avaricious, commonly he was travel at a horse, and single for to avoid all expenses. In the evening at to arrive at the inn did feign to be indispose, to the end that one bring him the supper. He did ordered to the stable knave to bring in their room some straw, for to put in their boots he made to warm her bed and was go lo sleep. When the servant was draw again, he come up again, and with the straw of their boots, and the candle what was leave him he made a small fire where he was roast a herring what he did keep of her pocket. He was always the precaution one to provide him self of a small of bread and one bring up a water bottle, and thus with a little money.
A blind did hide five hundred crowns in a corner of their garden; but a neighbour, which was perceive it, did dig up and took its. The blind not finding more her money, was suspect that might be the robed, but one work for take again it? He was going find the neighbour, and told him that he came to get him a council; than he was a thousand crowns which the half was hided into a sure part and I don’t know if want, if to put the remains to the same part. The neighbour was council him so and was hasten to carry back that sum, in the hope soon to draw out a thousand. But the blind having finded the money, was seized it, having called her neighbour, he told him: “Gossip, the blind saw clearer than this that may have two eyes.”
A man one’s was presented at a magistrate which had a considerable library. “What you make?” beg him the magistrate. “I do some books,” he was answered. “But any of your books I did not seen its.—I believe it so, was answered the author; I mak nothing for Paris. From a of my works is imprinted, I send the edition for America; I don’t compose what to colonies.”
One eyed was laied against a man which had good eyes that he saw better than him. The party was accepted. “I had gain, over said the one eyed; why I see you two eyes, and you not look me who one.”
A english lord was in their bed tormented, cruelly of the gout, when was announced him a pretended physician, which had a remedy sure against that illness. “That doctor came in coach or on foot?” was request the lord. “On foot,” was answered him the servant. “Well, was replied the sick, go tell to the knave what go back one’s self, because if he was the remedy, which he exalt him self, he should roll a coach at six horses, and I would be send for him my self and to offer him the half part of my lands for to be delivered of my sickness.”
A duchess accused of magic being interrogated for a commissary extremely unhandsome, this was beg him selve one she had look the devil. “Yes, sir, I did see him, was answer the duchess, and he was like you as two water’s drops.”
A Lady, which was to dine, chid to her servant that she not had used butter enough. This girl, for to excuse him selve, was bing a little cat on the hand, and told that she came to take him in the crime, finishing to eat the two pounds from butter who remain. The Lady took immediately the cat, was put into the balances it had not weighted that one an half pound.
A countryman which came through to Paris upon the bridge to the change, not had perceived merchandises in several shops. The curiosity take him, he come near of a exchange desk:—“Sir, had he beg from a look simple, tell me what you sell.” The loader though that he may to divert of the personage:—“I sell, was answered him asse’s heads.”—“Indeed, reply to him the countryman, you make of it a great sale, because it not remains more but one in your shop.”
The commander Forbin of Janson, being at a repast with a celebrated Boileau, had undertaken to pun him upon her name:—“What name, told him, carry you thither? Boileau: I would wish better to call me Drink wine.” The poet was answered him in the same tune:—“And you, sir, what name have you choice? Janson: I should prefer to be named John-Meal. The meal don’t is valuable better than the furfur?”
A physician eighty years of age had enjoied of a health unalterable. Theirs friends did him of it compliments every days: “Mister doctor, they said to him, you are admirable man. What you make then for to bear you as well?—I shall tell you it, gentlemen he was answered them, and I exhort you in same time at to follow my exemple. I live of the product of my ordering without take any remedy who I command to my sicks.”
A countryman was confessed to
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