I Am What I Am by John Barrowman (white hot kiss .TXT) 📕

their evolution – Rhys and Gwen contemplating buying a house and Gwen’s pregnancy, and Jack and Ianto becoming a more public couple – and each was given the same emotional depth.

Fans have been devastated by Ianto’s death and the tearing asunder of this iconic TV relationship. As a fan and as Captain Jack, I share their sadness, I really do – but I also like to think that Ianto and Jack’s groundbreaking relationship will have set precedents for similar partnerships to be created in other TV shows. Plus, never underestimate the power of an imagination, especially Russell’s. Who knows what (or who) is in Jack’s future?

Nevertheless, the filming of the scene in which Gwen identifies Jack and Ianto’s bodies was a heartbreaking one to film for the three of us.

The moment needed lots of tissues and a bit of humour to get Gareth, Eve and me through it.

Cameras roll. Sound runs. Action.

Gwen kneels next to Jack’s draped body, which is spread out among all the dead from the 456’s attack on Thames House.10 She steels herself against what she’s going to find. She gently lifts back the sheet. And I pop up in a fake beard and moustache, belting out ‘Everything’s Coming Up Roses’ – with jazz hands.

Another poignant and brilliant experience I’ve had on a set as Captain Jack was the filming of ‘Journey’s End’: the finale of Doctor Who series four. All the Doctor’s companions – Catherine Tate’s Donna, Billie Piper’s Rose, Noel Clarke’s Mickey, Freema Agyeman’s Martha, Elisabeth Sladen’s Sarah Jane, and Jack – came back to help the Doctor save the world … again.

I never feel complacent about filming on Doctor Who – because no matter how many times I’m invited back, for a big or small part, I’m thrilled. I love the fact that Captain Jack has become a mate of the Doctor. Every time I step on the Doctor Who set, time morphs for me to late on a Sunday night in front of a TV in a small suburb of Chicago, and I’m ‘Wee John’ curled up on the couch – with a cushion poised for maximum scare coverage – watching the Doctor battle Daleks, Autons and Davros.

For me, playing Captain Jack on this episode in particular, and in the series in general, has given me many memorable moments. One such was when all the companions were standing unified on the TARDIS, and we were all controlling it. Unless there’s some kind of special anniversary episode in the future, when we all lumber onto the set with our zimmers leading a charge, such a gathering will never be seen on the TARDIS again.

Another was the moment when Sarah Jane and Jack came face-to-face with Davros. For my money, Davros was always more diabolical than the Master, darker than Darth Vader, and more evil than the Joker. Davros is the pinnacle of villainy, and Jack and the Doctor kicked his arse. How cool was that?

I realize that writing this next paragraph may plunge me even deeper into the valleys of geekdom,11 but here goes anyway. I think the scene where Davros shoots Jack and he falls, and the Doctor, and everyone else watching, knows that Jack can’t die, is an immeasurably important one when it comes to the Doctor’s perception of Jack and their relationship. By using Jack in this way, the Doctor is finally admitting that Jack may not be a completely ‘impossible thing’ after all. The Doctor has finally accepted Jack for who he is – no longer only a ‘fixed point in time and space’, but a complex, deeply flawed, compassionate … human being. As a Doctor Who fan, filming this scene was like playing with live action figures – and I was one of them.12

Liz Sladen, who plays Sarah Jane, and I were standing together on set when Davros first came out from effects. Instinctively, I grabbed her hand and immediately she squeezed mine back. Davros freaked out both of us, and for a few seconds we stood and stared in terror as he moved in closer and began to speak.

The first time I met Liz was a couple of years earlier: I was in the lift going up to my flat in Cardiff Bay, which was also where she lived when she was filming The Sarah Jane Adventures. I apologized for my gushing even before I’d gushed.

‘I’m really pleased to meet you. I’m a bit gobsmacked that I’m standing in front of Sarah Jane.’

‘The feeling’s mutual,’ she replied. ‘I love Captain Jack and John Barrowman.’

I offered that maybe Jack could do some work on The Sarah Jane Adventures some day, because I think they’d have good fun together, and I meant it. They would have an intriguing chemistry because Sarah Jane doesn’t like or use violence and, well, Jack does.

Then there was the day I first met Catherine Tate, on the Doctor Who set. One of the ADs said, ‘Catherine, this is John Barrowman.’

I couldn’t help myself. I walked right up to her and said, ‘Aw … rieeght,’ mimicking the yob character she made famous from The Catherine Tate Show.

I regretted it immediately. I wished for a black hole to open up and swallow me right there – or, better yet, I thought about crawling inside the TARDIS, seeing the light and letting myself be disintegrated. Instead, I put my head in my hands, and moaned.

David Tennant stepped up next to me, and in a hushed voice he said, ‘Don’t worry. We’ve all done it.’

Catherine knew how iconic her comedy characters had become and she was fine with an occasional burst of dialogue or antics from her show seeping onto the set. She and I had a good laugh when we were working together.13 She was naturally funny, plus she loved to sing. In fact, one day, after a particularly rousing rendition of ‘9 to 5’ from Catherine,14 I rang Trevor Jackson at Sir Cameron Mackintosh’s office. I let him know that if there was ever another anniversary performance