I Am What I Am by John Barrowman (white hot kiss .TXT) 📕

folks loved visiting the Hadron Collider at least as much as I did. In fact, for the Gills, I think it’s safe to say that this visit to CERN to see the consequences of decades of scientific research, creativity and hard work ranked in their top-five all-time best experiences.

When I read the script for Torchwood ‘ Lost Souls’, the first BBC Radio 4 special, I loved it and immediately agreed to sign up. Because of my visit to CERN, I was able to describe vividly to Gareth, Eve and Freema what I’d seen in the collider, helping them to visualize what we were performing.

The day I was in the studio for ‘ Lost Souls’, relating my trip, I had one of those moments when you know it’s you speaking, but it’s as if you’re listening rather than talking. I sounded as if I really knew what I was talking about! I could hear myself describe and explain in ‘showbiz words’20 what it was hoped the collider would achieve and what scientists might learn from it; sadly, three days later I couldn’t tell you what I’d had for lunch that day. My brain works that way sometimes when it gets overloaded.21

Radio shows are very passive to perform. I had to stand in a room with a microphone, a music stand and my script. The space is dead space; its only ambience the layer of soundproof tiles.22 I was in the studio most of the time with Eve and Gareth, and, even with the three of us and our history together, we had a hard time getting anything beyond a little mild banter going among us between our takes.

It turned out that Torchwood ‘ Lost Souls’ was the most downloaded radio programme on the BBC iPlayer and the most listened-to radio show in the history of BBC Radio 4 – which is why they came back to us and asked if we’d do three more. Of course! It’s at times like this that I realize Torchwood has become this amazing, worldwide phenomenon. Because it’s such an international hit, I don’t think Russell and Julie will ever disconnect completely from their Torchwood family.

Russell and Julie are now based in Los Angeles, and so their move does, of course, raise the question of who will head up Torchwood on the production side. However, given that the show is as big a success in America as it is in the UK, I think that Russell and Julie will continue to be a part of Torchwood’s future on both sides of the Atlantic.

The more I get to know Jack’s character, and the deeper Russell and his fellow writers for series three (John Fay and James Moran) delved into Jack’s psyche and his personal history, the more Jack’s relationship to humanity keeps evolving. For me, this depth makes Jack more and more interesting to play, and I think it’s one of the reasons why Jack has become so iconic in popular culture. He’s not afraid to challenge authority in all of its guises – alien and human – and he’s demonstrated over and over again with Torchwood, and as a companion to the Doctor, that he will endure anything to protect and serve humanity. Like Prometheus, Jack is with the human race but not of the human race.

Do I think about this stuff when I’m playing Jack? Sometimes. Other times, I see these things in Jack’s character when I’m watching the completed shows (which I do, the same as all of you), or when I’m reading emails from fans who have been affected in some way by a gesture, a comment, or a story arc involving Jack. For me, Jack has done much more than touch my life; he’s changed it completely.

Playing Captain Jack has given me a freedom of choice and a level of clout and credibility in the entertainment business. Let me say it: playing Captain Jack has made me a celebrity. I’m noticed whether I’m running in for dog food to Costco in Cardiff or getting off the plane in South Africa, and I’m embracing and loving every minute of this fame. I have to say here that I have a difficult time listening to famous people,23 many whose work I admire, whining about being a celebrity, or refusing to acknowledge that they are one, or even suggesting that being a celebrity is some kind of burden they have to bear so that they can continue to perform.

I once heard a famous actor24 say that being a celebrity is the worst thing that can happen to an actor. First of all, I’m not sure what that means exactly. Was he suggesting that his ability to perform, to be the best he could be in a role, was hampered somehow by his celebrity status? Or was he suggesting that celebrities can’t be serious actors? Either way, his statement says more to me about the actor himself than about the challenges of being a celebrity.

Years ago, when I first broke into television, there was a teeny, tiny part of me that said to the other voices in my head that, if I really made it, I might have to deal with the trappings of being famous. It’s the nature of popular culture that celebrity status can come with entertainment success. For me, it’s one of the possible by-products of being an entertainer, and, because of that, my attitude has been to embrace it, when necessary manage and control it, but above all else not to let it change who I am at my core.

Granted, there are certain things I can’t do anymore. Riding public transportation can be difficult, so I have cars.25 But as far as I’m concerned, being a celebrity has not only provided me with financial and creative freedom, but it’s also given me the ability to open up opportunities for my family, friends, strangers and important causes, which might not have been possible before.

All thanks to my hero, Captain Jack Harkness.

TABLE TALK