Not Pretending Anymore by Ward, Penelope (big ebook reader .TXT) 📕

“For the record, talking about the tough stuff isn’t hard for me. I love learning more about you, even if it’s painful.”

He looked into my eyes. “It wasn’t that I didn’t think you’d accept me or anything like that. I was in denial myself and didn’t want to deal. My doctor feels like I might have a form of PTSD from my childhood, in terms of things I witnessed with my mom. And even though clinical depression is my main issue, my fear of turning into my mother has affected the way I deal with certain things—like my relationships, the decisions I make…” He stared into my eyes.

Was he talking about us? His decision not to pursue anything with me? Or was he referring to Julia?

Rather than ask him to clarify, I said, “Promise me something.”

“Yeah?”

“Promise me that now that I know, you’ll lean on me. Promise me you’ll call me anytime you need to talk about how you’re feeling.”

Declan smiled. “Okay, I promise.”

I’d thought I cared about Declan before tonight, but experiencing this raw and vulnerable side of him was a level of intimacy we’d never shared before. All of the complicated feelings I’d ever had for him lit up inside me like a fire reigniting.

CHAPTER 29

Declan

I woke the next morning feeling all sorts of fucked up.

Fucked up because I’d poured my heart out to Molly like that.

Fucked up because my feelings for her were at an all-time high.

And fucked up because I woke up in her bed.

Nothing happened—physically, at least.

After our talk last night, my heart felt ready to explode. She’d made me feel so accepted, so cared for. It made me regret not opening up to her a long time ago.

As much as I’d wanted to do something fun for her, we were both exhausted. She’d leaned against me at one point while we were on the couch, and I ended up holding her until we fell asleep. When I opened my eyes and realized we were still on the sofa, I woke her so we could go to our respective bedrooms. Then she’d told me she didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t have to think twice. I followed her to her room and held her again until we fell asleep together in her bed.

So here I was the next morning, feeling fucked up for once again having way-more-than-platonic feelings for Molly. Except this time was even more screwed up because she had a boyfriend.

As she slept, I could see her phone blowing up with messages—Will checking in on her. I didn’t know what to do. I was leaving tonight, and I’d be leaving a piece of my heart behind. Something had shifted between us. As strong as my feelings had always been for Molly, they’d never felt quite like this.

***

The plan was for everyone to meet at the church to say their final goodbyes to Molly’s dad before heading to the cemetery.

Molly had seemed completely numb the entire morning. I couldn’t blame her. It didn’t matter what I said or did today, I couldn’t take the pain away. We arrived early, and I gave her some space to comfort her little sister, but I never veered too far from her, in case she needed me. I planned to be here for her until the moment I had to leave for the airport.

A few minutes before the mass was to start, Molly came in my direction. Her eyes were glassy and distant. I knew she was still trying not to feel anything. She sat down next to me in the pew and leaned her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around her and held her close. She felt limp, as if I were the only thing keeping her from collapsing.

I would never have let her go were it not for a firm tap on my shoulder. I turned around to meet Will Daniels’ incendiary glare.

“I can take it from here.”

I wasn’t about to argue in a church. Plus, hell, I was the one in the wrong. I had my arm wrapped around his girlfriend. Molly looked panicked, like she had no idea how to handle the situation, so I made it easy for her. It was the absolute last thing I wanted to do, but I stood and held out my hand.

“Hey, Will. Good to see you.”

He hesitated, but shook. “I didn’t realize you were coming, Declan. I thought you were living out of state.”

“I got in last night for the wake.”

Will frowned, and his eyes shifted to Molly. He was clearly agitated, but when he looked down and saw her face, he thankfully put our pissing match aside and crouched down to speak to her at eye level.

He cupped her cheeks and looked into her teary face. “Oh, Molly… It’s gonna be okay. Not right now, not an hour from now, maybe not even in a few days—but I promise it will get easier. Today is the hardest part, and you’re entitled to feel every moment of it. You don’t need to hold it in. Let it out, honey.”

The tears she’d been keeping at bay streamed down her face. Will leaned forward and pulled her into a hug. Standing there, I felt like a third wheel. So I did what I thought was right, and I let them have a private moment. I took a seat a few rows back and watched as he helped dry her tears, and then she leaned on him as he walked her to the front row.

Throughout the mass, I mostly stared at the back of their heads. It hurt like hell for another man to be sitting in my spot, giving my girl comfort. But in the end, Molly was most important, not my own selfish desires.

After the service, the pallbearers carried the casket out of the church, and Molly and her family followed directly behind. I kept my head down as she and Will passed so I wouldn’t make things