The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) 📕

city of Strasburg, was the courteous stranger going on as gently upon his mule in his way to Frankfort, as if he had no concern at all in the affair⁠⸻talking all the way he rode in broken sentences, sometimes to his mule⁠—sometimes to himself⁠—sometimes to his Julia.

O Julia, my lovely Julia!⁠—nay, I cannot stop to let thee bite that thistle⁠⸺⁠that ever the suspected tongue of a rival should have robbed me of enjoyment when I was upon the point of tasting it.⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠Pugh!⁠—’tis nothing but a thistle⁠—never mind it⁠⸺⁠thou shalt have a better supper at night.

⸺⁠Banish’d from my country⁠⸺⁠my friends⁠⸺⁠from thee.⁠⸺⁠

Poor devil, thou’rt sadly tired with thy journey!⁠⸺⁠come⁠—get on a little faster⁠—there’s nothing in my cloak-bag but two shirts⁠⸺⁠a crimson-sattin pair of breeches, and a fringed⁠⸺⁠Dear Julia.

⸺⁠But why to Frankfort⁠—is it that there is a hand unfelt, which secretly is conducting me through these meanders and unsuspected tracts?

⸺⁠Stumbling! by saint Nicolas! every step⁠—why, at this rate we shall be all night in getting in⁠⸻

⸺⁠To happiness⁠⸺⁠or am I to be the sport of fortune and slander⁠—destined to be driven forth unconvicted⁠⸺⁠unheard⁠⸺⁠untouch’d⁠⸺⁠if so, why did I not stay at Strasburg, where justice⁠—but I had sworn! Come, thou shalt drink⁠—to St. Nicolas⁠—O Julia!⁠⸻What dost thou prick up thy ears at?⁠⸺’tis nothing but a man, etc.

The stranger rode on communing in this manner with his mule and Julia⁠—till he arrived at his inn, where, as soon as he arrived, he alighted⁠⸻saw his mule, as he had promised it, taken good care of⁠⸺⁠took off his cloak-bag, with his crimson-sattin breeches, etc., in it⁠—called for an omelet to his supper, went to his bed about twelve o’clock, and in five minutes fell fast asleep.

It was about the same hour when the tumult in Strasburg being abated for that night,⁠—the Strasburgers had all got quietly into their beds⁠—but not like the stranger, for the rest either of their minds or bodies; queen Mab, like an elf as she was, had taken the stranger’s nose, and without reduction of its bulk, had that night been at the pains of slitting and dividing it into as many noses of different cuts and fashions, as there were heads in Strasburg to hold them. The abbess of Quedlingberg, who with the four great dignitaries of her chapter, the prioress, the deaness, the sub-chantress, and senior canoness, had that week come to Strasburg to consult the university upon a case of conscience relating to their placket-holes⁠⸻was ill all the night.

The courteous stranger’s nose had got perched upon the top of the pineal gland of her brain, and made such rousing work in the fancies of the four great dignitaries of her chapter, they could not get a wink of sleep the whole night thro’ for it⁠⸺⁠there was no keeping a limb still amongst them⁠⸺⁠in short, they got up like so many ghosts.

The penitentiaries of the third order of saint Francis⁠⸺⁠the nuns of mount Calvary⁠⸺⁠the Præmonstratenses⁠⸺⁠the Clunienses10⁠⸺⁠the Carthusians, and all the severer orders of nuns who lay that night in blankets or haircloth, were still in a worse condition than the abbess of Quedlingberg⁠—by tumbling and tossing, and tossing and tumbling from one side of their beds to the other the whole night long⁠⸺⁠the several sisterhoods had scratch’d and maul’d themselves all to death⁠⸺⁠they got out of their beds almost flay’d alive⁠—everybody thought saint Antony had visited them for probation with his fire⁠⸺⁠they had never once, in short, shut their eyes the whole night long from vespers to matins.

The nuns of saint Ursula acted the wisest⁠—they never attempted to go to bed at all.

The dean of Strasburg, the prebendaries, the capitulars and domiciliars (capitularly assembled in the morning to consider the case of butter’d buns) all wished they had followed the nuns of saint Ursula’s example.⁠⸻

In the hurry and confusion everything had been in the night before, the bakers had all forgot to lay their leaven⁠—there were no butter’d buns to be had for breakfast in all Strasburg⁠—the whole close of the cathedral was in one eternal commotion⁠⸺⁠such a cause of restlessness and disquietude, and such a zealous inquiry into the cause of that restlessness, had never happened in Strasburg, since Martin Luther, with his doctrines, had turned the city upside down.

If the stranger’s nose took this liberty of thrusting himself thus into the dishes11 of religious orders, etc., what a carnival did his nose make of it, in those of the laity!⁠—’tis more than my pen, worn to the stump as it is, has power to describe; tho’ I acknowledge, (cries Slawkenbergius, with more gaiety of thought than I could have expected from him) that there is many a good simile now subsisting in the world which might give my countrymen some idea of it; but at the close of such a folio as this, wrote for their sakes, and in which I have spent the greatest part of my life⁠⸺⁠tho’ I own to them the simile is in being, yet would it not be unreasonable in them to expect I should have either time or inclination to search for it? Let it suffice to say, that the riot and disorder it occasioned in the Strasburgers’ fantasies was so general⁠—such an overpowering mastership had it got of all the faculties of the Strasburgers’ minds⁠—so many strange things, with equal confidence on all sides, and with equal eloquence in all places, were spoken and sworn to concerning it, that turned the whole stream of all discourse and wonder towards it⁠—every soul, good and bad⁠—rich and poor⁠—learned and unlearned⁠⸺⁠doctor and student⁠⸺⁠mistress and maid⁠⸺⁠gentle and simple⁠⸺⁠nun’s flesh and woman’s flesh, in Strasburg spent their time in hearing tidings about it⁠—every eye in Strasburg languished to see it⁠⸺⁠every finger⁠⸺⁠every thumb in Strasburg burned to touch it.

Now what might add, if anything may be thought necessary to add, to so vehement a desire⁠—was this, that the centinel, the bandy-legg’d drummer, the trumpeter, the trumpeter’s wife, the burgomaster’s widow, the master of the inn, and the master of the inn’s wife, how widely soever they all differed every