The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) 📕

chapter of chances do the events of this world lay open to us! Take pen and ink in hand, brother Toby, and calculate it fairly⁠⸺⁠I know no more of calculation than this balluster, said my uncle Toby (striking short of it with his crutch, and hitting my father a desperate blow souse upon his shinbone)⁠⸺’Twas a hundred to one⁠—cried my uncle Toby⁠—I thought, quoth my father (rubbing his shin), you had known nothing of calculations, brother Toby. ’Tis a mere chance, said my uncle Toby.⁠⸻Then it adds one to the chapter⁠⸺⁠replied my father.

The double success of my father’s repartees tickled off the pain of his shin at once⁠—it was well it so fell out⁠—(chance! again)⁠—or the world to this day had never known the subject of my father’s calculation⁠⸺⁠to guess it⁠—there was no chance⁠⸺⁠What a lucky chapter of chances has this turned out! for it has saved me the trouble of writing one express, and in truth I have enough already upon my hands without it.⁠—Have not I promised the world a chapter of knots? two chapters upon the right and the wrong end of a woman? a chapter upon whiskers? a chapter upon wishes?⁠⸺⁠a chapter of noses?⁠—No, I have done that⁠—a chapter upon my uncle Toby’s modesty? to say nothing of a chapter upon chapters, which I will finish before I sleep⁠—by my great-grandfather’s whiskers, I shall never get half of ’em through this year.

Take pen and ink in hand, and calculate it fairly, brother Toby, said my father, and it will turn out a million to one, that of all the parts of the body, the edge of the forceps should have the ill luck just to fall upon and break down that one part, which should break down the fortunes of our house with it.

It might have been worse, replied my uncle Toby.⁠⸺⁠I don’t comprehend, said my father.⁠⸻Suppose the hip had presented, replied my uncle Toby, as Dr. Slop foreboded.

My father reflected half a minute⁠—looked down⁠⸺⁠touched the middle of his forehead slightly with his finger⁠⸻

—True, said he.

X

Is it not a shame to make two chapters of what passed in going down one pair of stairs? for we are got no farther yet than to the first landing, and there are fifteen more steps down to the bottom; and for aught I know, as my father and my uncle Toby are in a talking humour, there may be as many chapters as steps:⁠⸺⁠let that be as it will, Sir, I can no more help it than my destiny:⁠—A sudden impulse comes across me⁠⸺⁠drop the curtain, Shandy⁠⸺⁠I drop it⁠—Strike a line here across the paper, Tristram⁠—I strike it⁠—and hey for a new chapter.

The deuce of any other rule have I to govern myself by in this affair⁠—and if I had one⁠—as I do all things out of all rule⁠—I would twist it and tear it to pieces, and throw it into the fire when I had done⁠—Am I warm? I am, and the cause demands it⁠⸺⁠a pretty story! is a man to follow rules⁠⸻or rules to follow him?

Now this, you must know, being my chapter upon chapters, which I promised to write before I went to sleep, I thought it meet to ease my conscience entirely before I laid down, by telling the world all I knew about the matter at once: Is not this ten times better than to set out dogmatically with a sententious parade of wisdom, and telling the world a story of a roasted horse⁠⸺⁠that chapters relieve the mind⁠—that they assist⁠—or impose upon the imagination⁠—and that in a work of this dramatic cast they are as necessary as the shifting of scenes⁠⸺⁠with fifty other cold conceits, enough to extinguish the fire which roasted him?⁠—O! but to understand this, which is a puff at the fire of Diana’s temple⁠—you must read Longinus⁠—read away⁠—if you are not a jot the wiser by reading him the first time over⁠—never fear⁠—read him again⁠—Avicenna and Licetus read Aristotle’s metaphysicks forty times through apiece, and never understood a single word.⁠—But mark the consequence⁠—Avicenna turned out a desperate writer at all kinds of writing⁠—for he wrote books de omni scribili; and for Licetus (Fortunio) though all the world knows he was born a fœtus,14 of no more than five inches and a half in length, yet he grew to that astonishing height in literature, as to write a book with a title as long as himself⁠⸻the learned know I mean his Gonopsychanthropologia, upon the origin of the human soul.

So much for my chapter upon chapters, which I hold to be the best chapter in my whole work; and take my word, whoever reads it, is full as well employed, as in picking straws.

XI

We shall bring all things to rights, said my father, setting his foot upon the first step from the landing.⁠—This Trismegistus, continued my father, drawing his leg back and turning to my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠was the greatest (Toby) of all earthly beings⁠—he was the greatest king⁠⸺⁠the greatest lawgiver⁠⸺⁠the greatest philosopher⁠⸺⁠and the greatest priest⁠⸺⁠and engineer⁠—said my uncle Toby.

⸻In course, said my father.

XII

—And how does your mistress? cried my father, taking the same step over again from the landing, and calling to Susannah, whom he saw passing by the foot of the stairs with a huge pincushion in her hand⁠—how does your mistress? As well, said Susannah, tripping by, but without looking up, as can be expected.⁠—What a fool am I! said my father, drawing his leg back again⁠—let things be as they will, brother Toby, ’tis ever the precise answer⁠⸺⁠And how is the child, pray?⁠⸺⁠No answer. And where is Dr. Slop? added my father, raising his voice aloud, and looking over the ballusters⁠—Susannah was out of hearing.

Of all the riddles of a married life, said my father, crossing the landing in order to set his back against the wall, whilst he propounded it to my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠of all the puzzling riddles, said he, in a marriage state,⁠⸺⁠of which you may trust me, brother Toby, there are more asses loads than all Job’s stock