Plays 2: Weird Time Blues Shuffle by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (best adventure books to read .txt) 📕

and the Dr. take RJB off the pyre and throw him on the floor. The Mayor, the Dr., and the PO sit on him. The Mayor throws onto the pyre a straw guy.]

 

VC: [Turns back to the pyre.] Wow, maybe we should starts filming again! This guy has turned to straw!  [Turns to face audience/camera.] Folks: there are some extraordinary events, but this takes the piss. The rebel has turned to straw! He was a spy after all! Just another fall guy for the KGB or the CIA. Whatever, they are called-they’re both the same! The wicked witch of the west has also been implemented! Domian Theorists and academics alike will be talking (I mean writing) about this event for years. [Beat.] Anyway, other news: Mrs. Frummy’s cat --Stevie-- has been stuck up a tree for 5 minutes. We are going to the scene of the action and hopefully can give you all the information!

 

[VC exits, followed by the mob. A beat. The mayor, the Dr., and the PO get up off the rebel.]

 

RJB: Okay, I am definitely going this time! I’m gone! Thanks! Thank you for saving me! Why did you? I would not have done the same for you if the majority were on my side!

 

Mayor: Well, it is not our way! We don’t that!

 

PO: Okay Scrut may be dead, but at least she gave her life trying to save you and you did kind of like her anyway! I think she like you too, but she repressed it!

 

Mayor: Whatever you do, you cannot stay! You were offered to stay, but you made it go messy and you lost control. All the death that’s occurred by the hands of mob violence! You were lucky. So walk. It was nice meeting you human from the past. I hope you find a settlement that satisfies you!

 

RJB: No, I have! I like it here…in Domia! Even though your people are freaky at times, they are nice and hopeful they want to work to together, in mutual cooperation with mutual trust between the state and individual! Maybe it is a utopia?

 

Dr.: No, it’s not! Just a different society. We still have problems. You were one. And you still are-- so get out of it. I need to puke, I shouldn’t have done my ‘FlashDance’ thing.

 

RJB: Thanks, thank you!

 

Mayor: Go on: beat it! The mob have forgot about you by now. You’re old news! So don’t come back and don’t tell anyone you got lost and found this place! Good!  [They shake hands. RJB exits.]Phew, I didn’t think we would sort that! That is an odd thing to happen.  

 

Dr.: We still haven’t sorted things! We still have a contract killer hosting a prime-time chat show!

 

Mayor: Ah, it could be worse! He could have been a Liberal! 

 

[Fade to black, as they exit, the pyre, slowly going out.]

Prayers to the Skid-Mark

PRAYERS TO THE SKID-MARK

By George O'Sullivan and Colin Peterson

 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

 

DR LOVEDAY

DR TOSST

TINNY

CROWIE / MORRIS

COLONEL PTERAS

SURGEON-SOLDIER / WEREWOLF / SURGEON ONE

SURGEON-SOLDIER / MISS PLEECAS / FOX

SURGEON-SOLDIER / FROG / SURGEON THREE

SURGEON-SOLDIER / GHOUL / SURGEON FOUR

MANNEQUIN MUTATED SKELETON DANCERS

 

"Hear what comfortable words our Saviour Christ says to all who truly turn to him: Come unto me, all that travail, and are heavy laden, and I will refresh you." Matthew 11.28 

 

 

Part one: DESCENDING INTO THE SKID MARK.

Setting: A house in a desolate wasteland, in an unknown country, where night and day have collided to produce a dusky polluted light.

The house is a scrappy building, shack-like in construction.

Inside we see a single living area. It is a lounge/diner with a kitchenette; the bathroom is off-stage right, the left leading to a dingy toilet. The door, leading from the hall way, is centre of the stage. The door is a huge, wizened, door, made from oak. 

On the floor we see a broken skeleton; whether it is human is unknown.

We hear nothing. An eerie stillness falls.

Suddenly, LOVEDAY enters, sweating and looking scared, carrying a near empty bottle of Diamond K.

LOVEDAY is an old man, not hunched, but looks strong; still with a taut physique.

LOVEDAY looks like a lion. He wears part of a cowardly lion costume. 

He crawls frantically around the room looking for something, hissing at the skeleton; and hides behind a small plastic chair, again made for children. We hear a dull thumping and the old door bursting open, a wind following. 

In the doorway stands TINNY, a hunched, elderly-looking child, with a small hatchet and a toffee hammer. She has a pair of knickers over her face, a  skid mark stained pair; she sniffs at the the skid mark to give herself energy(and for kicks, shits and giggles, you know....)

 

TINNY(sniffs hard). Oh, Fucksy!

 

            Pause, as LOVEDAY and TINNY size each other up..

 

LOVEDAY. Ding-dong.

 

TINNY.  Doorbell?

 

LOVEDAY. DING DONG!

 

TINNY. Sounds like…a...sound?

 

TINNY pretends to move to the door, while watching LOVEDAY. LOVEDAY peers over the plastic chair, then deciding to move it, as his cover. TINNY closes the door quietly, then kicks it, then opens it again, and hides behind the door, peering round it, positioning the hatchet and toffee hammer, ready to strike down.

 

TINNY(to an imaginary person.) Oh, hello Mister, what can I do for you? Oh, you want some sugar? Sugar, so urgently, at this time of night - well, let me just go upstairs. (Plods on the spot loudly; sees LOVEDAY moving, forgetting the chair then quickly going back for his cover. LOVEDAY hides behind it, he's wet himself.) I have to lock the fridge up - I have little ones you see, and they’re always eager to get everything; they want things so easy these days. Into everything, aren't they? Yes. (Beat.) Oh, yes, your sugar. You sure you won’t stop for tea? It’s much better than just sugar. You can mix them - can’t you?

 

Pause. LOVEDAY goes to run through the door, but peers round the chair, leaning over to see if    TINNY is behind the door. TINNY throws the hatchet into the ground, missing LOVEDAY with aridiculously late reaction. TINNY moves sluggishly, swinging the toffee hammer. LOVEDAY  is scared, despite evading TINNY successfully.

 

TINNY Little-wittle wormie-worm?

 

LOVEDAY I’m not -

 

TINNY They get DEAD! DEAD!(Laughs.) I LIKE DEAD! It's safe, isn't it?

 

LOVEDAY I’m sorry, I really am!

 

TINNY Yuh mother - YES, FUCKSY-MUMSY! - Left me in charge...SO LISTEN TO ME!

 

LOVEDAY But, when I was young, I remember the doctor  said, oh, what was it…

 

TINNY(laughing, woozy, losing co-ordination slightly). DOCTOR TRICERATOPS!

 

LOVEDAY I forgotten, but -

 

TINNY How profound. (Swings the toffee hammer, but looking exhausted. TINNY slows, swinging weakly.) …I’ll…get…medicine - no dinner! Just medicine for -

 

LOVEDAY You burnt my scarecrow! CROWIE!

 

TINNY Stop whining! STOP IT!

 

TINNY screams, then freezes, breathing slowly. She then starts to snore, hunching over, looking older. TINNY eventually loses her grip on the toffee hammer. It falls.

 

LOVEDAY(smiling). I’ll rescue you Crowie, you’ll see - I’ll find that soul; get that hope. I have to.

 

LOVEDAY opens the door and runs out. Suddenly, he runs back in, picking up the hammer. He struggles to get the hatchet out of the ground, finally managing to pull it free; it sends him flying, crashing into the kitchenette, knocking crockery, etc. 

 

LOVEDAY(picking himself up).  I’ll need to avoid witch doctors like her. I need to go…go to my place; find Doctor Triceratops. Then I can find Crowie. (Picks up the toffee hammer, cradling it like a child; to the audience.) ARE YOU WITH ME?  (Kissing the hammer.) ARE YOU?  This was my mum’s. (Pause.) But she gave it to a friend. She knew her at church. She knew her. They went to church, that was it. What was her name?…Dee…Something like that. 

 

            LOVEDAY exits, thrusting the hammer into the air truimphantly.

 

Part two: LIFE'S SO FUNNY! (DISCUSS).

LOVEDAY has been sleeping on the floor, his mouth covered in toffee, looking hungover, vomits toffee.TINNY is tied up, sleeping in a cot. The cot is made from milkcrates. It has been taped together with double-sided sticky plastic. LOVEDAY looks around, shocked.  He wipes his mouth.

 

LOVEDAY  I should leave it some water.

 

LOVEDAY urinates into a small plastic bowl, splashing some onto the floor. LOVEDAY laughs, TINNY    comes around, struggling, in pain and pleasure; but she is bound with     garden mesh and gagged with an old  soiled handkerchief.

 

TINNY Ummmmmmmmmmmmmurghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

LOVEDAY(picking up the bowl, urine slopping about; places it next to TINNY). See how kind I am? I know you didn't mean to kill Crowie. 

 

There is a knock at the huge door, we see CROWIE, looking very burnt, flesh peeling off his skin, clothes in cinders, a   wetsuit underneath the rags.

 

CROWIE Hello Loveday,  I'm from the government, you kno', of course. We kno' fakers.

 

LOVEDAY But the air is mad, we have it breathed within us, in our blood, our oozy-boozy blood.

 

CROWIE Shut up. Oxygen Seventy-Five does not exist, never has, never will. So. Mate. Back to work and you will probably lose your job and all your benefits; you'll go to prison.  

 

LOVEDAY Good. I need a holiday.

 

CROWIE There's nothin' wrong with you - prison will sort you out.

 

LOVEDAY What about her?

 

CROWIE Let her go. Let her live her own life. She has to go to school.

 

LOVEDAY She likes to be shat on.

 

CROWIE I do not care. You thought you had me dead, but us civil servants are getting army training now. I'm used to being burnt.(Pausing, looking ill.) I go to Lanzarote every year covered in lard. My 'naked-covered-in-lard-walks' are legendary there. But you've caused this problem, you're goin' to be  the first to say your discovery was a fake, a mistake. Hopefully, your imprisonment will discredit you further and get people back to work.

 

LOVEDAY What's happening out there then?

 

CROWIE I dunno, really. But everyone's  flippin' out blamin' it on this oxygen shit and gettin' ages off work, the whole community is collapsin'.

 

LOVEDAY(smiling.) Utopia, eh?

 

CROWIE For a slacker like you, puddin'. Do you know how much it's costin' honest people like me? I work for fuck all, I'm lucky to get a roof over me head. But that's all borin' back story to you, isn't it? Am I borin' you?

 

TINNY UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

 

CROWIE(trying to bring up some phlegm.) She's my bounty - I'll get top whack commmission for getting her back into school, then slavery for her. We need more wage slaves, since everyone is now in the pens, claiming to be nuts. Fakers. Make me sick. 

 

LOVEDAY I could kill you.

 

CROWIE Try it.

 

LOVEDAY(hitting CROWIE with the toffee hammer on the head; CROWIE smiles.) I'm dead now?

 

CROWIE(reaching for a gun made of melted biros in his front.) Sure are.

 

            TINNY has died, vomit and blood soak her gag.

 

CROWIE You've killed 'errrrrrrrrrrr, hhhuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

LOVEDAY(smiling.) I've fucked your brain.

 

            CROWIE clutches at his head, scratching himself, moaning; he's in pain, he drools, blood gushes from his nose, and mouth and he coughs up huge globules of pus.

 

LOVEDAY I guess I'm in charge now - and I say oxygen seventy five is as real as anything - how do you explain this?

 

CROWIE Urggggggghhhhhhhhhghhhuhuhuhuhuhh

 

LOVEDAY Jus' as I thought - I can't 

 

            LOVEDAY goes to exit, then pats CROWIE on the back, taking his biro gun.

 

LOVEDAY You can eat her if you want.

 

            CROWIE growling, moves towards TINNY, pulling a  funny face, his tongue flicking out, crawling on the floor, towards her groin. LOVEDAY exits, smiling, putting on