Plays 2: Weird Time Blues Shuffle by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (best adventure books to read .txt) 📕

it as soon as he sees LOVEDAY.

 

LOVEDAY Nice trick, kid.

 

PTERAS I'm sorry - I thought it might fool you.

 

LOVEDAY Nope. Saw it on the tel-blog-web. I'm sussed.

 

PTERAS  I can tell. I like your suit.

 

LOVEDAY Cheers. Okay, folks, get out the graters.

 

            GHOUL and FROG grab cheese graters and put them over PTERAS'S wrists. PTERAS laughs.

 

LOVEDAY You're a cheeseball. A big, hairy, cheeseball.

 

PTERAS But I'm crazy...(Thinking.) I think, I dunno.

 

LOVEDAY No you're fine. Grate him.

 

            GHOUL and FROG grate. PTERAS' wrists, he screams like mad, laughing occasionally.

 

PTERAS SHE'S COME BACK! SHE'S COME BACK! She's...come...back

 

LOVEDAY What?

 

PTERAS She...yeah.

 

            GHOUL and FROG keep grating PTERAS' wrists, he's passed out, caked in blood and bits of flesh.

 

LOVEDAY Burn him in acid. He's infected.

 

            WEREWOLF and FOX lift PTERAS up, making him stand , pushing GHOUL and FROG. They all urinate on PTERAS; he screams, like he's dissolving. LOVEDAY turns away, crying.

 

LOVEDAY Shit...she's good. 

 

Part seven: YET MORE POINTLESS FEAR

TINNY is tied up, in the house, near the dingy toilet; her head is covered in margarine, blood coming from her nose. TOSST is smiling, breathing in a canister of oxygen. He laughs, as he exhales, rolling around on the floor. TINNY comes round.

 

TINNY You're fucked too, I gotta get you!

 

TOSST HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

 

TINNY I thought you were against him, I thought you -

 

TOSST I do, child. I do. I wll get my power, I will control the world. In my world.

 

TINNY I don't hate you, untie me. Let me kill him for you.

 

TOSST(smiling.) Not more fear, no not more.

 

            We hear WEREWOLF howling. FOX bangs on a door, we see him peering through a window. We hear scratching, then the loading of clips into uzi's.  

 

TINNY Let me go, I know the exit.

 

TOSST I will gas them.

 

TINNY They know it's not real.

 

TOSST Do they? Do they?

 

TINNY Yes.

 

TOSST So it's not a cure - I'm mad?

 

TINNY I think so. But you're all right at the mo.

 

TOSST I am, aren't I?

 

TINNY Let me go - can you handle 'em?

 

TOSST I'll see. Go. (Unties TINNY; wipes the margarine from her head.) I will see you again.

 

TINNY Thought you'd say that.

 

TINNY crawls through a ventilation grid.  TOSST laughs as WEREWOLF and FOX get in carrying environmentally friendly turd-guns, guns made of shit that fire shit.            TOSST laughs at them, they take off there masks to reveal mutated scarred faces (that are masks). They hug TOSST, he smiles.    

 

TOSST We've gotta get a Loveday.

 

            FOX and WEREWOLF bow down to TOSST, kissing his feet; TOSST stretches his arms out parallel, as if he's about to be crucified.

 

Part eight: SICKIE-FEAR

LOVEDAY trashes the office in the middle of the house, kicking down the partition throwing the papers up intot he air, out everywhere, looking for something. 

 

LOVEDAY Damn this...I think I need a new drug...a new plan... Yes, I know! I need my dead army. I need -

 

            GHOUL and FROG enter, looking drunk, both cling to each other, they have tubes hanging off them.

 

LOVEDAY You didn't touch...My word! (Smiling, really pleased.) Is everyone going mental here!

 

GHOUL Funny huh?

 

LOVEDAY I'm gonna kill you clones.

 

GHOUL Daddy?

 

LOVEDAY SHUT UP! Where are the other fuck ups?

 

GHOUL(chuckling.) Daddy's gotta temper.

 

FROG Sure has.

 

GHOUL Yah lady friend survived.

 

LOVEDAY Kill it, kill it!

 

GHOUL Why?

 

LOVEDAY  To make my appointment official, of course. It'll be a  conspiracy theory for the public.

 

GHOUL They're all in pens now. There isn't any more public-shit.

 

LOVEDAY I was looking for oxygen seventy-seven.

 

GHOUL Really?

 

FROG (laughing.)

 

GHOUL This shit? (Holding a canister the tubes and mask attached to it.) Tasty huh?

 

LOVEDAY You silly boys! Silly, silly, silly!

 

GHOUL It's okay, you can join us.

 

LOVEDAY Okay, I don't know your real name, mister ghoul maskie.

 

GHOUL I could be a zombie, too?

 

LOVEDAY I kno, but I cloned you -

 

FROG Really? REALLY!

 

LOVEDAY  Well, I can't prove it now - if I find the file, I'll show you, but we must use this to save -

 

FROG But we control tha world.

 

GHOUL We're an elite now - we're not gonna let thin's go back.

 

LOVEDAY Damn  - you're right. Shit - I'm shocked.

 

GHOUL Don't fuck aroun'.

 

FROG We don't like Werewolf and Fox.

 

LOVEDAY We should kill them?

 

FROG No - jus cut 'em off.

 

LOVEDAY I think I'll build a space ship.

 

FROG He's a genuis, he must've built us!

 

GHOUL You're too young, Froggie, you know he's kiddin' us.

 

LOVEDAY Where's my magic carpet gone?

 

GHOUL Okay, so you have powers, Loveday, but can you make the world ours?

 

LOVEDAY It already is, dear boy, already is. Is Pteras neutralised?

 

GHOUL I want to marry it.

 

FROG We'll keep it as a sex-toy.

 

LOVEDAY Well yes, good idea, yes, a slave. What have you done to him?

 

FROG In the hold.

 

LOVEDAY Did you cover his anus in margarine?

 

GHOUL It's all red raw, all sore. She'll be wantin' to go home.

 

LOVEDAY Are you sure, it is a soldier, pretending to be a man, but is really a woman; but it might look like a woman to you, but - here's the radical bit, boys - this woman is really a bloke. (To FROG.) A man.  You see, it might not be her after all, huh?

 

GHOUL Don't care now. We jus like a pluggin'.

 

LOVEDAY I see. So this soldier could in fact be a man.

 

GHOUL I dunno.

 

LOVEDAY So you've gone crazy?

 

GHOUL I'm a clone, I think. What does it say on my receipt? I probably need a new brain.

 

FROG Me too!

 

LOVEDAY Damn soldiers - I can't get the support.

 

GHOUL We're not gonna get taken out - we're too tough.

 

LOVEDAY No - there might be counter-elites forming, trying to reach the teat of power. I know they're not all dealt with.

 

GHOUL We'll purge them.

 

LOVEDAY Be careful.

 

GHOUL You take care.

 

FROG(giggles.)

 

GHOUL and FROG exit. LOVEDAY looks scared, he wipes sweat from his brow.  TINNY enters from a wall, staring at LOVEDAY.

 

LOVEDAY You!

 

TINNY You better watch out, they're all losin' it. They're obsessive. The disease is now a cure, it's all one symptom.

 

LOVEDAY Do you need a new brain?

 

TINNY Let me mind-wipe Pteras. He'll be tough, he'll cover for us, take a bullet or two.

 

LOVEDAY Of course, scheming! Fight madness with madness. It'll cancel the other out, and I'll, get oxygen seventy-seven off Ghoul and Frog. They're ruining they're brains, even though they were already ruined. Always the way, I suppose it makes no difference.  And I don't like reformin' brain tissue, sends me to sleep.

 

TINNY  I believed you about the star ship.

 

LOVEDAY I know.  Come - let's get Pteras - he's in the hold. I know where star ship is. 

 

            LOVEDAY and TINNY hold hands and exit, going outside.

 

Part nine: FUCK OFF FEAR

It's a sunny day, inside the house we see TOSST in robes, a crown made of his own briefs - a heavy skid mark in the middle; WEREWOLF and FOX hold silver platters of soiled underwear covered in hard excrement. They still hold their turd-guns.

 

TOSST Disciples - hear me...When I say hear me I mean listen...to the sounds of me...the words of sounds, the sound of these words. I am not crazy I am sane. This will bring us back order. I now want some crisps and some Tizer. We must praise the self-god of skid mark.

 

WEREWOLF We shall salvage, and bring the starship.

 

TOSST I also want the other oxygen forms: we must have total power.

 

FOX Easily done, Ghoul and Frog will be hear soon and we shall seize power of the Loveday.

 

TOSST They will lead us to him, like lil' Judas's.

 

FOX We know no Judas - no we don't -

 

TOSST Shut up - we've got to praise the cult of the poor little rich girl and make sure we find a breeder.

 

FOX I want to be a woman.

 

TOSST I know of a woman, Loveday's research assistant. We shall plough her field, soon.

 

FOX Good, good.

 

WEREWOLF Got all horny.

 

FOX Shouldn't we all be foxy?

 

WEREWOLF I kno' it  - we can trust other surgeons.

 

FOX Ghoul likes pain though.

 

TOST He shall be the guardian of evil - we need evil to guard evil that is why we should praise Satan also.

 

WEREWOLF Yeh wha' ever.

 

TOSST We'll get the new oxygen and get really wasted.

 

FOX Remember Calippo's?

 

TOSST Shame all's been destroyed.

 

FOX No, there's a burnt out seven eleven near here - come on you.

 

WEREWOLF We won't be long, need some smokes too.

 

FOX Let's go - quick.

 

WEREWOLF and FOX exit, quickly, leaving the platters of soiled underwear near TOSST who sniffs them in a manic ecstasy. He laughs.

 

TOSST I have you, I will save the world from the skids - we worship the shit to rise from it, to be better, stronger! This is evolution! This is a shit-lution.

 

            GHOUL and FROG enter, laughing at TOSST.

 

TOSST Hello kiddies, come closer.

 

GHOUL Are you the new director-general.

 

TOSST I hath cometh.

 

GHOUL Huh?

 

TOSST(jubilantly.) I've come in my pants, praise this new world.

 

GHOUL It's shit?     

 

FROG It could be worse.

 

TOSST Stop speaking like marketing people, we must stop this rot! We must stop this vile palsy. We must get more commercial to relate. I really wanna bowl of Coco Pops.

 

FROG I know - we all want some normality.

 

TOSST Can I sample the new oxygen?

 

FROG I think we've had it all.

 

GHOUL(drooling.) We're still mad, Loveday set us up.

 

TOSST Can you tell if it was a placebo.

 

GHOUL I dunno. I'm just pleased we survived the madness.

 

TOSST You know I've heard Crowie is still alive.

 

GHOUL My word, that bureaucrat will book us all.

 

TOSST I kno -- it's exciting!

 

GHOUL I dunno. Shall we fuck around?

 

TOSST Not with me.

 

FROG This is daft.

 

TOSST Hand me this oxygen, let me geta  breath of fresh air.

 

FROG hands the canister and mask, and tubes to TOSST, who greedily inhales it through the tube, taking the masks at the other end, wearing it. He loves it he's addicted. 

 

TOSST(dancing.)  You must take of your masks. I've never felt better - you must feel normal?

 

GHOUL I do. How funny!

 

FROG How's Fox and that Wolf-bloke?

 

TOSST Fine, fine! Scavenging like rats, I suppose.

 

GHOUL Cool, cool.  We should take advantage.

 

TOSST Do as you will, you are free - your own masters. Take off your masks.

 

            GHOUL and FROG take off their masks and we see their scarred faces.

 

TOSST And you're cured CURED! GO! NOW! Take off those wounds!

 

GHOUL and FROG start taking off some bandages from their wounds, GHOUL pulls out some stitches forcefully. They smear the soiled underwear, sniffing it greedily and jump joining TOSST in his dance as they all laugh, sniffing his skid mark, getting euphoric. We hear some drilling, and explosions, then planes soaring through the thrashing of a severe gale and thunderstorms. The sound subsides as we hear it sounding someone playing the spoons; they keep dancing; it's sunny again.

 

TOSST That was a lark! Go on then you're free. Scram! Shoo!

 

GHOUL Wow, we're free, shit thazz wicked.

 

TOSST Fuckin' A, innit.

 

FROG We're not mad? Come on, let's get some berries.

 

GHOUL Can I live with you – halves on rent?

 

FROG Sure mate.

 

            GHOUL and FROG wander off, holding hands. LOVEDAY enters with TINNY.

 

TOSST HAH! You, you, YOU! We meet!

 

FOX and WEREWOLF enter with broken carrier bags full of junk. They drop them, looking scared at LOVEDAY, snarling.

 

LOVEDAY I will tell you the star ship location if you don't torture us. We fear the skid mark cult and we fear you Tosst.

 

TOSST But why? I am a the director general there for the little guys as well as the big ones.

 

LOVEDAY what did you o to Pteras? where is he?

 

            TOSST laughs, he's in hysterics.

 

TINNY Come on let's all work together. And you need Loveday to find the ship.

 

TOSST(stop laughing, serious in an a instant.) There isn't one - is there Loveday.

 

TINNY Loveday?

 

            Pause; everyone closes in around LOVEDAY, who smiles.

 

LOVEDAY I...I'm -

 

TOSST(cocksure.) See I know you Loveday! Like me, eh? The power-seeker, the pleasure-saur. But I'm nt a triceratops doctor, am I?

 

LOVEDAY(sullen, annoyed.) How did you know?

 

TOSST I have a dirty site on my webby, I know. I can imagine the pain you'e fearing. We're all savages now.

 

LOVEDAY No thanks to people like you believing in Oxygen seventy-five. And is that seventy-seven?

 

TOSST I like your air, I like you. but I