Diana by Sarah McAllister (the chimp paradox TXT) 📕

intro

It's never too late. Please seek help if you can, and if you want to talk to me, you can. I care, I really really do care. Suicide is never the answer.

 

 

If you or someone you love is dealing with depression, self harm, or contemplating suicide, please tell a trusted adult or friend, or call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1 (800) 273-8255.

I love you all,
Sarah.

 

im the girl

 

I'm the girl the teachers loved
I'm the girl who is always cheerful
I'm the girl who always has a smile etched on my face
I'm the girl with the servant's heart
I'm the girl who goes all out to make sure everyone is happy
I'm the girl with the jokes
I'm the girl with everything I could ever ask for

 

I'm also the girl who runs home
And cries herself to sleep
I'm also the girl with blood stained pillows
And my biggest fears and worst nightmares leaking down
In rivulets of scarlet red
I'm the pessimist
The perfectionist
The girl looked for love in all the wrong places
Who trusted the wrong people
And is paying for it all
I'm the girl who finds beauty in make up
I'm the girl who takes pleasure in hurting herself
The girl who sees beauty in everyone
When she looks in the mirror and sees a monster
The girl who wonders if it will all end
And everything will go back to normal
I'm the girl who wonders if the world will be a better place without her
I'm the girl who lacks everything I could ever ask for

I'm

The

Girl

-diana

liars

you told me

that you'd always be right there for me

that i would never be alone

that i could always lean on you for comfort

so where are you now?

when small streams of blood are

pouring out my wrists?

where are you now?

when my pillow is saturated in tears?

where are you now?

when all i hear is the disapproving, hatred

words being tossed around inside my head

and every nightmare i've ever had

comes to life?

you've made me realize

just how full of liars

this cruel world is.

- diana

 

 

you're the reason

 

i feel so stupid 

for trusting you

for thinking you could actually be my best friend. 

you see, i thought you changed. i thought that you learned form your mistakes and you would spend the rest of your life making it up to me. now i see that you spent your entire life breaking me. 

i was so stupid to believe you. 

you're the reason why i am who i am. 

you're the reason why i stay in my room for hours on end crying myself to sleep and ripping my skin open. 

you're the reason i give up a little bit more on life every single freaking day. 

you're the reason why i hate myself. 

you're the reason for every heartbreaking truth ever played in my mind. 

and you're the reason why i'm struggling to stay afloat

in this world that hates me so very much.

and you're the reason why my demons,

who i thought i once had control over

are slowly consuming me

dragging me back to where i know i belong: hell.

and guess what?

you will be the reason why i stop fighting. 

so don't bother feeding me that bullshit about trying to be my friend

a true friend wouldn't kill someone she cared about. 

 

- diana

 

tell me

 

don't tell me

that everything will be alright

don't tell me 

that i need to cheer up

get over it

just be happy

 

instead

tell me you'll be there

through my hysterical sobs and stubbornness

tell me you'll listen

as i repeat the same story 

over and over

tell me you'll love me through the 

sleepless nights and restless days

tell me you'll expect 

the 3 a.m phone calls fraught with many tears

 

and maybe

just maybe

i'll listen. 

- diana

 

 

fighter

 

standing here

and having the ability to just keep breathing

takes more strength than you realize

 

having the courage

to wake up every single morning

knowing there will be disappointment 

at every turn

takes every sliver of composure that you have

 

no one realizes 

how much pain someone has to be in

to drag a dagger across their skin

to be so tired of everything and everyone

and still be here on earth

 

and you know what?

i'm so proud of you

for continuing to fight 

for struggling to weave your way out of the millions of tears

i'm proud of you

you're a fighter 

and i hope you realize that

 

and i know life might be hell right now

but just keep fighting

things might not get better as soon as you would like

and things may have to get worse before they get better

but keep fighting

please keep fighting

keep breathing

keep waking up

because in the end

you're going to look back 

and say

'this was worth the fight.'

-diana

 

demons

 

 

the nights are cruel

because that's when the voices come out to play

they tease and taunt

they prey and search

for any ounce of happiness i possess

i call them my demons

 

there i lay

in a never ending struggle against the current of life

fighting for a lost cause

in a futile attempt to silence my demons

 

there i stand 

and watch the voices breathe life 

into a destiny i never hoped to know

today is no different

it's just me and my demons

 

and i want an actual reason to smile

i don't want to force a laugh

but when you have everyone, even yourself against you

where do you turn, 

what do you do?

 

the nights are cruel 

because that's when the voices come out to play

and i guess that's why people say

"i can't drown my demons. . . 

 

. . . they know how to swim."

 

- diana

i can

 

-

 

i can't make the voices vanish

and i can't go 'poof!' and the bullies will scurry off

to the wretched places where they came from

 

i can't patch together the gashes which marred your beautiful skin

and i can't silence the words caving you in

scolding you in piercing cries, 'don't eat!'

 

i can't make you believe the fights never happened

and i can't travel back in time and reverse the shattering of your

already broken heart

 

i can't snap my fingers and that tidal wave of invectives