Anamnesis by Zorina Alliata (ebook reader ink txt) 📕

me when I cracked that algorithm and saved the Company from a nasty virus that had brought our paycheck system to a halt.

My job as a mathematician was so easy I could have done it in my sleep. I hardly had to follow a step-by-step solution to a problem; usually, the numbers aligned clearly from the beginning. I could see through their tricks and gimmicks; they liked to play, to hide, to distort reality and then reveal themselves to me, smiling, bright, like children caught near the cookie jar.

All I had to do at work is pretend I was stupid; take a long time to solve complicated problems, pretend encryption is hard to do. Then I seemed like a normal smart person and everyone was okay with it. My boss, an old man whom I rarely saw, was happy to get my solutions emailed to him and left it at that.

There was a new project in my Inbox. I was supposed to team up with an engineer and come up with the equation that defines lightening patterns during storms. The Company's Weather software was a best seller and they were looking to improve it; as for me, I laughed. I had determined weather patterns when I was four years old and had never seen a computer before; my grandfather could tell weather with a precision of two weeks ahead even when he was too drunk to walk.

I had a deadline of three months and a partner apparently named Feliks, who had wasted no time and had already sent me a meeting request regarding our new project. His name meant "lucky" and it made me smile, for it had shallow hopes attached to it already, before it had even touched the man's life. It must have burdened him as he grew up, as his teeth poked through his gums; that's where the shallow hopes of one's parents live, fester and die.

It was all good; all I had to do was meet with this guy once in a while, pretend I'm working otherwise, and I had three months free to concentrate on my family problems and to follow Dante's saga. To make sure I didn't forget the deadline, I wrote an email to my boss with all the equations and their solutions, and saved a draft in my personal folders, to be sent out at the end of the project.

I was so confident as I walked over to Feliks's cubicle, that I didn’t see the crevasse opening before me in the floor tiles; I walked without calculating my movement, my current direction on the curve of life. In my defense, you can't always calculate before you step – then you would never step at all. Each step has infinite possibilities ahead of it, and most of the time you have to just trust that the one with the biggest probability will hold true and the Earth will not swallow you as you put your foot forward; most of the time, the numbers are tame and boring, subdued by the city noise and asphalt, retreated up in the branches of trees in small, curled strings.

I was not paying attention as my soul decided to open its mouth and take a breath of fresh air, come out of the prison where my body was holding it down with heavy chains of fear, disease, and death visions; it lit up in my chest, vulnerable, silly, day-dreaming away for a little while.

"Cholera jasna!" I heard suddenly, in a clear, loud voice; it was definitely coming from Feliks's cubicle, the only one in that corner of the floor. I chuckled; I used to swear in my native language, too, when I was pissed off. Feliks was probably Polish or some other Slavic type from some neighboring country back home; I felt friendship for him already, as we shared common ancestors and common legends. The invisible, linking cord between us had begun to form.

I went in, smiling, totally unprepared, and stepped straight into the deep hole that had formed sinuously on my way over, waiting to fool me and trap me; I fell for long seconds and struggled for words to break my fall as Feliks turned and looked at me with honesty in his eyes. I saw it coming a moment too late: the red, fiery dragon I had defeated long ago, now stronger than ever, shattering all in its way to possess me again. There was no time for spells, for barricades, for protection; it curled into my blood and broke into a million sparks and pops. And so, on Tuesday, April 20th (with x pointing up towards Taurus), at precisely 3:42 PM EST (with y pointing backwards to midday), in the most random of circumstances, I fell in love.

"Hi", he said. "You must be Anna." His voice was reassuring and safe. We shook hands and I sat on the spare chair, knees trembling, embarrassed at my own stupidity, shoving back my feelings into the ugly hole they had crawled out of and attacked me.

Feliks was a decent, kind person who took life for what it is; his numbers combed nicely around his smooth face: deep but not dark, interesting but not wild. He was a wholesome 4, a practical Earth sign, with healthy genes that were striving to breed and survive. Some early, minor tragedy had shaped him into an introverted, almost solitary person. I scoured for leftover numbers in his aura; there were some bad feelings, some unlived fantasies I could have used to make him love me back; there were good chances that I might ruffle and confuse enough numbers around him, to make him want me.

Beyond the rigid pattern he was born unto, beyond the equation that defined him to the world, his soul was shining through, warm and beautiful; he had so much love to give, a whole mountain of golden, brilliant gifts meant for the one he hadn't found yet. I wanted it so bad to be me.

*-*-*

When Dante opened his eyes, he saw Bea’s worried face hovering above.

“Oh, you’re up!” she exclaimed. “Thank God. I thought I killed you.”

“I’m okay,” Dante said weakly, looking around. He was lying down on the narrow bed in the medical office. “So what happened?”

“I gave you a bigger dose of medicine than I should have,” Nurse Bea confessed, hands frantically wringing. “They told me you might be dangerous.”

She looked so cute in her perfectly pressed white uniform, with her cheeks flushed from embarrassment, that all Dante could do was to smile large and gesture dismissively with this arm. “Don’t worry about it,” he said, getting up slowly. “How about that cup of coffee? Then I promise I’ll forget this whole thing.”

“I… I could use some coffee,” she said blushing. “Besides,” she added professionally, “I was just going to suggest you have some. It will help the medicine wear off.”

“Great!” Dante said, standing up on his two shaky legs. “I think I can walk to Starbucks from here.”

She hurried to help him and he gladly accepted, leaning on her even though he could have probably made it on his own; she had a small body frame that felt even smaller when he put his arm around her narrow shoulders; her hair smelled of lavender. He inhaled blissfully, half closing his eyes, and together they walked through the glass doors of her office.

“I’m not feeling so well,” Dante said when they got to the lobby. He was a bit dizzy and his stomach was nauseous. “Maybe I should take a rain check on the coffee. I think I’ll just go home.”

“Oh, no,” Bea protested. “No way you can drive like this. Please, let me drive you home. It’s the least I can do.”

“Sure,” Dante agreed. “Can we please take my car? It’s been here at the office for a couple of days and I’d hate to leave it here again.”

“No problem,” Nurse Bea said.

Dante gave her the keys and led the way to his car. “It’s in Alexandria,” he said, snuggling into the passenger seat. “Just make a right here on Washingtonian and then take GW Parkway. It’s pretty close.”

By the time Nurse Bea got in the car and put her seat belt on carefully, Dante had fallen asleep again. She hesitated for a moment, then turned the key on and made a left on Washingtonian. Scared, worried, and somehow happy, she drove to her own apartment.

*-*-*

"Feliks made the funniest joke today," I told Lou that evening, all agitated and unable to find a place to settle.

"Sit down, for God's sake," he said annoyed. "You're making me dizzy. Who the hell is Feliks?"

"You shouldn't swear, kid," I said, sitting down on the couch. "You're too young for that. Feliks is this great guy I'm working with."

"I haven't heard you use the words 'great guy' in, like, ever." Lou said, bringing about the tea cups and the honey.

"I know," I said. "Pretty pathetic, but I like this one. And you know what, I think he might like me a little too. He was looking at me when I wasn't looking at him, you know? That hidden look, when guys kinda measure you up?"

"You mean he was checking you out," Lou said coldly.

"Yeah, I think he was, yeah," I said cheerfully. "And I was wearing that low-cut camisole. Isn’t that cool?"

I jumped up and stepped into the powder room. "Look," I said, pointing to the mirror, "I looked good and my boobs looked good!"

Lou got back up and went to the kitchen. I followed him in there, all flushed.

"Oh come on!" I said. "What am I doing so wrong? Aren’t you the one that bugs me about never going out with a man?"

"This doesn't feel right," Lou said. "There's something amiss here. What is it that you're not telling me?"

I went back to the couch and covered myself up with the blanket. I sighed. "He's getting married. In two months."

"Oh, God," Lou rolled his eyes. "There are 10 other men who call you and ask you out and you say no… and you have to destroy this guy's life?"

"Okay, first, you are very nasty today. What the hell is your problem? Second, I'm not going to do anything with Feliks. Not a thing, not a date, not a flirt, nothing. You know that I don't have any use for a man in my life. I'm sorry I like him, but I do. Can I just enjoy his company for a while? He's really funny, you know. And so smart."

"You're right," said Lou, taking my hand into his. "I'm sorry. I just had a bad day. Things are changing for me and I'm not sure how or why. There's times when I can't get here anymore, and I'm lost. The path is harder and harder to find. There's fog, and strange noises. Maybe my time is up. I don't know."

"I'm sorry," I said, stroking the back of his hand. "I had no idea. But you know that you'll always be in my mind even if I can't see you anymore. You are part of my memories, you know. You are not forgotten."

"Your memories will die with you – and then it will be like I never existed," he said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Lou, listen to me," I said. "All of us who lived have left their mark on this Earth. They are