Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (e ink epub reader TXT) 📕

had led me on to the prayer of union,—unless it be on that

occasion, of which I have spoken before, [11] now many years ago,

when I saw our Lord. Oh, that His Majesty had been pleased to

let me then understand that it was a true vision, as I have since

understood it was! it would have been no slight blessing to me.

15. After these locutions of the evil one, the soul is never

gentle, but is, as it were, terrified, and greatly disgusted.

16. I look upon it as a most certain truth, that the devil will

never deceive, and that God will not suffer him to deceive, the

soul which has no confidence whatever in itself; which is strong

in faith, and resolved to undergo a thousand deaths for any one

article of the creed; which in its love of the faith, infused of

God once for all,—a faith living and strong,—always labours,

seeking for further light on this side and on that, to mould

itself on the teaching of the Church, as one already deeply

grounded in the truth. No imaginable revelations, not even if it

saw the heavens open, could make that soul swerve in any degree

from the doctrine of the Church. If, however, it should at any

time find itself wavering even in thought on this point, or

stopping to say to itself, If God says this to me, it may be

true, as well as what He said to the Saints—the soul must not be

sure of it. I do not mean that it so believes, only that Satan

has taken the first step towards tempting it; and the giving way

to the first movements of a thought like this is evidently most

wrong. I believe, however, that these first movements will not

take place if the soul is so strong in the matter—as that soul

is to whom our Lord sends these graces—that it seems as if it

could crush the evil spirits in defence of the very least of the

truths which the Church holds.

17. If the soul does not discern this great strength in itself,

and if the particular devotion or vision help it not onwards,

then it must not look upon it as safe. For though at first the

soul is conscious of no harm, great harm may by degrees ensue;

because, so far as I can see, and by experience understand, that

which purports to come from God is received only in so far as it

corresponds with the sacred writings; but if it varies therefrom

ever so little, I am incomparably more convinced that it comes

from Satan than I am now convinced it comes from God, however

deep that conviction may be. In this case, there is no need to

ask for signs, nor from what spirit it proceeds, because this

varying is so clear a sign of the devil’s presence, that if all

the world were to assure me that it came from God, I would not

believe it. The fact is, that all good seems to be lost out of

sight, and to have fled from the soul, when the devil has spoken

to it; the soul is thrown into a state of disgust, and is

troubled, able to do no good thing whatever—for if it conceives

good desires, they are not strong; its humility is fictitious,

disturbed, and without sweetness. Any one who has ever tasted of

the Spirit of God will, I think, understand it.

18. Nevertheless, Satan has many devices; and so there is nothing

more certain than that it is safer to be afraid, and always on

our guard, under a learned director, from whom nothing is

concealed. If we do this, no harm can befall us, though much has

befallen me through the excessive fears which possessed some

people. For instance, it happened so once to me, when many

persons in whom I had great confidence, and with good reason, had

assembled together,—five or six in number, I think,—and all

very great servants of God. It is true, my relations were with

one of them only; but by his orders made my state known to the

others. They had many conferences together about my necessities;

for they had great affection for me, and were afraid I was under

a delusion. I, too, was very much afraid whenever I was not

occupied in prayer; but when I prayed, and our Lord bestowed His

graces upon me, I was instantly reassured. My confessor told me

they were all of opinion that I was deceived by Satan; that I

must communicate less frequently, and contrive to distract myself

in such a way as to be less alone.

19. I was in great fear myself, as I have just said, and my

disease of the heart [12] contributed thereto, so that very often

I did not dare to remain alone in my cell during the day. When I

found so many maintain this, and myself unable to believe them, I

had at once a most grievous scruple; for it seemed to me that I

had very little humility, especially as they all led lives

incomparably better than mine: they were also learned men.

Why should I not believe them? I did all I could to believe

them. I reflected on my wicked life, and therefore what they

said to me must be true.

20. In this distress, I quitted the church, [13] and entered an

oratory. I had not been to Communion for many days, nor had I

been alone, which was all my comfort. I had no one to speak to,

for every one was against me. Some, I thought, made a mock of me

when I spoke to them of my prayer, as if I were a person under

delusions of the imagination; others warned my confessor to be on

his guard against me; and some said it was clear the whole was an

operation of Satan. My confessor, though he agreed with them for

the sake of trying me, as I understood afterwards, always

comforted me: and he alone did so. He told me that, if I did not

offend God, my prayer, even if it was the work of Satan, could do

me no harm; that I should be delivered from it. He bade me pray

much to God: he himself, and all his penitents, and many others

did so earnestly; I, too, with all my might, and as many as I

knew to be servants of God, prayed that His Majesty would be

pleased to lead me by another way. This lasted, I think, about

two years; and this was the subject of my continual prayer to

our Lord.

21. But there was no comfort for me when I thought of the

possibility that Satan could speak to me so often. Now that I

was never alone for prayer, our Lord made me recollected even

during conversation: He spoke what He pleased,—I could not avoid

it; and, though it distressed me, I was forced to listen. I was

by myself, having no one in whom I could find any comfort; unable

to pray or read, like a person stunned by heavy trials, and by

the dread that the evil one had deluded me; utterly disquieted

and wearied, not knowing what would become of me. I have been

occasionally—yea, very often—in distress, but never before in

distress so great. I was in this state for four or five hours;

there was no comfort for me, either from heaven or on earth—only

our Lord left me to suffer, afraid of a thousand dangers.

22. O my Lord, how true a friend art Thou! how powerful!

Thou showest Thy power when Thou wilt; and Thou dost will it

always, if only we will it also. Let the whole creation praise

Thee, O Thou Lord of the world! Oh, that a voice might go forth

over all the earth, proclaiming Thy faithfulness to those who

love Thee! All things fail; but Thou, Lord of all, never failest!

They who love Thee, oh, how little they have to suffer! oh, how

gently, how tenderly, how sweetly Thou, O my Lord, dealest with

them! Oh, that no one had ever been occupied with any other love

than Thine! It seems as if Thou didst subject those who love

Thee to a severe trial: but it is in order that they may learn,

in the depths of that trial, the depths of Thy love. O my God,

oh, that I had understanding and learning, and a new language, in

order to magnify Thy works, according to the knowledge of them

which my soul possesses! Everything fails me, O my Lord; but if

Thou wilt not abandon me, I will never fail Thee. Let all the

learned rise up against me,—let the whole creation persecute

me,—let the evil spirits torment me,—but do Thou, O Lord, fail

me not; for I know by experience now the blessedness of that

deliverance which Thou dost effect for those who trust only in

Thee. In this distress,—for then I had never had a single

vision,—these Thy words alone were enough to remove it, and give

me perfect peace: “Be not afraid, my daughter: it is I; and I

will not abandon thee. Fear not.” [14]

23. It seems to me that, in the state I was in then, many hours

would have been necessary to calm me, and that no one could have

done it. Yet I found myself, through these words alone, tranquil

and strong, courageous and confident, at rest and enlightened; in

a moment, my soul seemed changed, and I felt I could maintain

against all the world that my prayer was the work of God.

Oh, how good is God! how good is our Lord, and how powerful!

He gives not counsel only, but relief as well. His words are

deeds. O my God! as He strengthens our faith, love grows. So it

is, in truth; for I used frequently to recollect how our Lord,

when the tempest arose, commanded the winds to be still over the

sea. [15] So I said to myself: Who is He, that all my faculties

should thus obey Him? Who is He, that gives light in such

darkness in a moment; who softens a heart that seemed to be made

of stone; who gives the waters of sweet tears, where for a long

time great dryness seems to have prevailed; who inspires these

desires; who bestows this courage? What have I been thinking of?

what am I afraid of? what is it? I desire to serve this my Lord;

I aim at nothing else but His pleasure; I seek no joy, no rest,

no other good than that of doing His will. I was so confident

that I had no other desire, that I could safely assert it.

24. Seeing, then, that our Lord is so powerful,—as I see and

know He is,—and that the evil spirits are His slaves, of which

there can be no doubt, because it is of faith,—and I a servant

of this our Lord and King,—what harm can Satan do unto me?

Why have I not strength enough to fight against all hell? I took

up the cross in my hand,—I was changed in a moment into another

person, and it seemed as if God had really given me courage

enough not to be afraid of encountering all the evil spirits.

It seemed to me that I could, with the cross, easily defeat them

altogether. So I cried out, Come on, all of you; I