Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (e ink epub reader TXT) 📕

marvels of God,—that I was glad to be silent. I learned then

that I had been ill-advised by that confessor, because I ought

never to hide anything from my confessor; for I should find great

security if I told everything; and if I did otherwise, I might at

any time fall into delusions. [7]

6. Whenever our Lord commanded me to do one thing in prayer, and

if my confessor forbade it, our Lord Himself told me to obey my

confessor. His Majesty afterwards would change the mind of that

confessor, so that he would have me do what he had forbidden

before. When we were deprived of many books written in Spanish,

and forbidden to read them,—I felt it deeply, for some of these

books were a great comfort to me, and I could not read them in

Latin,—our Lord said to me, “Be not troubled; I will give thee a

living book.” I could not understand why this was said to me,

for at that time I had never had a vision. [8] But, a very few

days afterwards, I understood it well enough; for I had so much

to think of, and such reasons for self-recollection in what I saw

before me and our Lord dealt so lovingly with me, in teaching me

in so many ways, that I had little or no need whatever of books.

His Majesty has been to me a veritable Book, in which I saw all

truth. Blessed be such a Book, which leaves behind an impression

of what is read therein, and in such a way that it cannot

be forgotten!

7. Who can look upon our Lord, covered with wounds, and bowed

down under persecutions, without accepting, loving, and longing

for them? Who can behold but a part of that glory which He will

give to those who serve Him without confessing that all he may

do, and all he may suffer, are altogether as nothing, when we may

hope for such a reward? Who can look at the torments of lost

souls without acknowledging the torments of this life to be

joyous delights in comparison, and confessing how much they owe

to our Lord in having saved them so often from the place of

torments? [9] But as, by the help of God, I shall speak more at

large of certain things, I wish now to go on with the story of my

life. Our Lord grant that I have been clear enough in what I

have hitherto said! I feel assured that he will understand me

who has had experience herein, and that he will see I have

partially succeeded; but as to him who has had no such

experience, I should not be surprised if he regarded it all as

folly. It is enough for him that it is I who say it, in order to

be free from blame; neither will I blame any one who shall so

speak of it. Our Lord grant that I may never fail to do His

will! Amen.

1. Ch. xxv. § 26.

2. Ch. xv. § 6.

3. Ch. xxxiii.; the foundation of the house of St. Joseph.

4. Ch. xxv. § 23.

5. The Bollandists, n. 185, attribute some of the severity with

which her confessor treated the Saint to the spirit of desolation

with which he was then tried himself; and, in proof of it, refer

to the account which F. Baltasar Alvarez gave of his own prayer

to the General of the Society.

6. See Relation, vii. § 7.

7. St. John of the Cross, Mount Carmel, bk. ii. ch. 22, § 14.

8. The visions of the Saint began in 1558 (De la Fuente) or,

according to Father Bouix, in 1559.

9. St. Luke xvi. 28: “Ne et ipsi veniant in hunc

locum tormentorum.”

Chapter XXVII.

The Saint Prays to Be Directed by a Different Way.

Intellectual Visions.

1. I now resume the story of my life. I was in great pain and

distress; and many prayers, as I said, [1] were made on my

behalf, that our Lord would lead me by another and a safer way;

for this, they told me, was so suspicious. The truth is, that

though I was praying to God for this, and wished I had a desire

for another way, yet, when I saw the progress I was making, I was

unable really to desire a change,—though I always prayed for

it,—excepting on those occasions when I was extremely cast down

by what people said to me, and by the fears with which they

filled me.

2. I felt that I was wholly changed; I could do nothing but put

myself in the hands of God: He knew what was expedient for me;

let Him do with me according to His will in all things. I saw

that by this way I was directed heavenwards, and that formerly I

was going down to hell. I could not force myself to desire a

change, nor believe that I was under the influence of Satan.

Though I was doing all I could to believe the one and to desire

the other, it was not in my power to do so. I offered up all my

actions, if there should be any good in them, for this end; I had

recourse to the Saints for whom I had a devotion, that they might

deliver me from the evil one; I made novenas; I commended myself

to St. Hilarion, to the Angel St. Michael, to whom I had recently

become devout, for this purpose; and many other Saints I

importuned, that our Lord might show me the way,—I mean, that

they might obtain this for me from His Majesty.

3. At the end of two years spent in prayer by myself and others

for this end, namely, that our Lord would either lead me by

another way, or show the truth of this,—for now the locutions of

our Lord were extremely frequent,—this happened to me. I was in

prayer one day,—it was the feast of the glorious

St. Peter, [2]—when I saw Christ close by me, or, to speak more

correctly, felt Him; for I saw nothing with the eyes of the body,

nothing with the eyes of the soul. He seemed to me to be close

beside me; and I saw, too, as I believe, that it was He who was

speaking to me. As I was utterly ignorant that such a vision was

possible, [3] I was extremely afraid at first, and did nothing

but weep; however, when He spoke to me but one word to reassure

me, I recovered myself, and was, as usual, calm and comforted,

without any fear whatever. Jesus Christ seemed to be by my side

continually, and, as the vision was not imaginary, I saw no form;

but I had a most distinct feeling that He was always on my right

hand, a witness of all I did; and never at any time, if I was but

slightly recollected, or not too much distracted, could I be

ignorant of His near presence. [4]

4. I went at once to my confessor, [5] in great distress, to tell

him of it. He asked in what form I saw our Lord. I told him I

saw no form. He then said: “How did you know that it was

Christ?” I replied, that I did not know how I knew it; but I

could not help knowing that He was close beside me,—that I saw

Him distinctly, and felt His presence,—that the recollectedness

of my soul was deeper in the prayer of quiet, and more

continuous,—that the effects thereof were very different from

what I had hitherto experienced,—and that it was most certain.

I could only make comparisons in order to explain myself; and

certainly there are no comparisons, in my opinion, by which

visions of this kind can be described. Afterwards I learnt from

Friar Peter of Alcantara, a holy man of great spirituality,—of

whom I shall speak by and by, [6]—and from others of great

learning, that this vision was of the highest order, and one with

which Satan can least interfere; and therefore there are no words

whereby to explain,—at least, none for us women, who know so

little: learned men can explain it better.

5. For if I say that I see Him neither with the eyes of the body,

nor with those of the soul,—because it was not an imaginary

vision,—how is it that I can understand and maintain that He

stands beside me, and be more certain of it than if I saw Him?

If it be supposed that it is as if a person were blind, or in the

dark, and therefore unable to see another who is close to him,

the comparison is not exact. There is a certain likelihood about

it, however, but not much, because the other senses tell him who

is blind of that presence: he hears the other speak or move, or

he touches him; but in these visions there is nothing like this.

The darkness is not felt; only He renders Himself present to the

soul by a certain knowledge of Himself which is more clear than

the sun. [7] I do not mean that we now see either a sun or any

brightness, only that there is a light not seen, which illumines

the understanding so that the soul may have the fruition of so

great a good. This vision brings with it great blessings.

6. It is not like that presence of God which is frequently felt,

particularly by those who have attained to the prayer of union

and of quiet, when we seem, at the very commencement of our

prayer, to find Him with whom we would converse, and when we seem

to feel that He hears us by the effects and the spiritual

impressions of great love and faith of which we are then

conscious, as well as by the good resolutions, accompanied by

sweetness, which we then make. This is a great grace from God;

and let him to whom He has given it esteem it much, because it is

a very high degree of prayer; but it is not vision. God is

understood to be present there by the effects He works in the

soul: that is the way His Majesty makes His presence felt; but

here, in this vision, it is seen clearly that Jesus Christ is

present, the Son of the Virgin. In the prayer of union and of

quiet, certain inflowings of the Godhead are present; but in the

vision, the Sacred Humanity also, together with them, is pleased

to be our visible companion, and to do us good.

7. My confessor next asked me, who told me it was Jesus

Christ. [8] I replied that He often told me so Himself; but,

even before He told me so, there was an impression on my

understanding that it was He; and before this He used to tell me

so, and I saw Him not. If a person whom I had never seen, but of

whom I had heard, came to speak to me, and I were blind or in the

dark, and told me who he was, I should believe him; but I could

not so confidently affirm that he was that person, as I might do

if I had seen him. But in this vision I could do so, because so

clear a knowledge is impressed on the soul that all doubt seems

impossible, though He is not seen. Our Lord wills that this

knowledge be so graven on the understanding, that we can no more

question His presence than we can question that