little girl it’s not their fault your fat, you let them shove food in your disgusting little mouth every day. Why? Because you gave up on all hope being truly skinny the right side of my mind tells me, I stare myself in the mirror calm down the left side of my brain quills you must eat food is life, you want life right? The truth was I did want life but I also wanted to be the skinniest girl in the world. Impossible.I shake my head side to side trying to remove all negative thoughts, once I’m dizzy from all the movement I stop. I finish my hair and move on to make-up. Wait till dad sees me his jaw will dro…. Oh wait he’s dead. God, why did I have to think that because now I feel tears bunching up in my throat and my cheeks turning red. I dab at my eyes willing myself not to cry. I hear the doorbell ring, ringing its soft, bland notes. I put on the rest of my eye shadow, check for any sighs of crying and sprint down the stairs like a crazy person. I skid down the hall then stop a couple of feet from the door, compose myself and catch my breath then open the door. “Hi.” I whisper, he looks me up and down star struck “Wow,” he says “You are gorgeous!” I blush turning scarlet red. “Thanks…” I mumble, he kisses me softly on the lips making the hairs on the back on my neck rise and goose bumps form on my bare, sleeveless arms. He leads me into his car, a Dodge challenger; he opens the passenger door “Here you go, madam.” He says playful, I stifle a laugh and play along “Thank you, sir.” And with that I enter the car. He put on his seatbelt smiles and says “Safety first,” he brushes my cheek with his forefinger “Wouldn’t want anything to happen to that pretty lil face of yours.” I turn my head to face the window to hide the fact that I am blushing, I put on my seatbelt and we drive away from the house that caused my insanity in the first place. I pretend to look outside so that when he is not looking so I can sneak looks at him. “Hey, so you like Italian food right?” he says suddenly, catching me off guard “Umm..yeah I do.” I say. “Good cause then this date would have been a total disaster if you didn’t.” he smiles at me his teeth egg shell white. I think back to when my father had come home from the dentist after getting his teeth whitened they were the shade of clouds on a sunny day, personally I liked it but my father absolutely hated it screaming in outrage to my mother “I have teeth whiter than the light of god’s kingdom god damn it, damn it all to hell, how I’m I suppose to go to work like this?” “I think it looks good daddy.” I say, I was only 7 then “Oh sweetie hi I’m sorry I was yelling but I really don’t like the look.” He picks me up and twirls me in his arms playfully, I giggle “You really like it?” he ask, I nod “Well then I guess there never was a problem because you’re the most beautiful in the house so you should know.” I laugh “thank you daddy.” He looks me in the eyes all serious “You’re welcome sweet heart.” And with that I went off somewhere play. Back to the present and I’m crying quietly I don’t think that Anthony has noticed yet so I grab my purse andturn to the window, take out the compact mirror I have with some wipes and reapply my eyeliner and mascara. We finally pull up to a nice looking Italian bistro called La PietraCucina at around 7:00. I think to myself fancy, I bet it cost a lot though I best stick with the least expensive thing. As we walk in the smell of food body slams me making me double over. I need to eat all that delicious food til I explode. No you don’t you fat pig now when you sit down your order will be salad and tuna nothing more my brain snaps at me. “Hello table for two,” Anthony says “reservation Capriello.” Capriello, Anna-bell Marie Capriello, I like it I run the name though my mind over and over again I like the ring to it. “Oh, yes right this way sir.” The man in a tux says. We sit at a table next to the window this is the first time I have been able to advert my eyes from his face to note what he is wearing, A navy blue button down and light blue boot cut pants with black dress shoes. I look at myself, I think I did a good enough job of preparing for the date with a pale coral pink dress with a sweet heart neck line and a nice loose bodice, topped off with champagne colored sequence high heels. I lock eyes with him and say “This is a really nice place.” He replies “Oh this, it’s nothing I just thought you would like it.” “I do I really do.” he wipes his hand on the back of his forehead and says “Whoo, thank god, now I know everything is okay.” I laugh, the waitress come to the table to much make up if you ask me “May I take you order?” “Yes.” Anthony says “I would like the Risotto with lobster.” Then the waitress turns to me “I would like some salad with tuna no dressing please.” “And to drink?” Anthony then answers “Iced tea, please.” I add “water, please.”
Fake faces and breakdowns
Chapter 4: fake faces and breakdowns (Anthony)
Why is it that this beautiful girl is so shy always, she only lets me see things that aren’t fake every once in a while, like her smile when she is laughing, but then quickly corrects it putting on this plastic mask of hers once more. I try to strike up conversation once more “how’s the salad?” “Really good.” She smiles this Barbie doll smile of hers. She looks down at her plate and frowns, I don’t know what she is frowning at there is nothing on her plate, she excuses herself abruptly “I will be right back, Okay.” “Okay.” I answer, Ten to fifteen minute have passed until she comes back “Sorry.” She says looking a bit pale “Oh, yeah its fine.” I say because I don’t know what else to say. I smile at her, captivated by the way her blue eyes sparkle in the low lighting. I pull out the boutique of roses I had gotten from the back of the car when she had left “these are for you.” I say, she smiles ear to ear making me pleased with the color selection of roses I chose, a pale pink. “Thank you.” she says looking like she is about to cry making me worry “What’s wrong?” I ask and like that she snaps, face crumbling like a five year olds when they are about to cry. I almost leap across the table not able to reach her fast enough, not able to sooth her, to hold her in my arms, to tell her everything is okay even though I don’t know what is happening. “I’m sorry; it’s okay now, shh.”
Confessions
Chapter 5: Confessions (Anna-bell)
I cry and cry and cry, god I must look like an idiot mumbling on and on about my dad I bet he can’t even understand what I’m saying still he nods and hugs me, attempting to comfort me. When I can finally manage to catch my breath and tell him about my father his eyes go sympathetic and sad making me lose it again. “It’s okay, I’m sorry about your loss I had no idea…” he trails away fixing his eyes on the road, we had to go early because my dumb self wouldn’t stop crying “it’s fine how could you have known if I had never told you?” I say looking out the window feeling hurt that the first date I had really ever wanted went down the trash because of me. We stop at a red light I feel weird being here in front of this red light then it hits me. This is where I saw the beautiful homeless girl. I get shivers, little volts of lightning going from my spine to my fingertips, where is she I wonder if she’s dead or was this corner just a place for her to rest before going back home never mind she had no home except the stars and the clouds. We finally make it to my house; he walks me up the steps leading to my home. “Thanks and sorry again we couldn’t enjoy the restaurant like I had wanted to.” I say, he turns my face towards him gently kissing me on the cheek then saying “No worries, there’s always next time.” He holds my gaze with his ever so sensitive green eyes I swear that if the kindness ever left his eyes he would look totally different. He leans in the least bit possible, a move so subdued that it could have been him just breathing I kiss him anyway, this time unlike the others this one makes me tingle and makes the butterflies in my stomach disappear not become more noticeable, it makes the world tilt and slip from beneath our feet sending us into a parallel universe in itself. We finally stop, I hold on to the door knob, I don’t trust my knees to support my weight right now because they feel as if they are about to buckle underneath me. “I’ll talk to you later.” I say smiling like crazy. “Yeah, okay umm I had a good time; I’ll see you later I guess.” He blabbers on and on and it’s adorable, he kisses me gently one last time before leaving. I go into the house, empty and quiet like usual. I walk into the living room nothing has changed, everything in its place, my blanket and pillow next to the sofa on the floor. I pick up the blanket and wrap myself in it letting it swallow me whole. I dig my arm up from the mound of fabric and reach for the remote.
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