Damaged Beyond Repair by Kashmira Kamat (KittyKash) (motivational novels txt) 📕

Rowan

      "How come there's no one sharing your room? I thought this was supposed to be a hostel." I asked Alana as she led me inside a small cozy little room with a bunk bed. The top bed was stuffed with luggage and the bottom one seemed to be the one Alana was using.

    "Well, I paid extra which wasn't a lot, plus this is not the tourist season which means less people staying in the hostel."

    Alana locked the door and backed me up against the wall as she wrapped her arms around my neck, going up on her tip toes and engaging me in a deep kiss. She pressed her body against mine, grinding against me and that made it even harder for me to keep my jeans on. I wanted so much to tear off our clothes and just show her how much she meant to me, but I couldn't.

    She popped open the button of my jeans and before I had any time to protest or stop her Alana was already on her knees and taking me in her hands. What she was doing to me forced me to close my eyes and relish the moment, as I dug my hands in her hair. A groan escaped my lips. And suddenly, I realized how wrong this was. Alana was still a student at the college I'd taught and I was still technically her ex- professor and nine years older. No matter how much I wanted her mouth to keep doing what she was doing, I pulled away from her and did my fly.

"I'm sorry, Alana. I can't..." I swallowed. "I can't do this."

Alana was still on her knees, and the look of rejection plastered over her face. She seemed crestfallen all of a sudden. "What did I do wrong?"

She was clearly misunderstanding.

I cupped her face in my hands. "You did nothing wrong baby, I just...I can't let you do this."

   Alana climbed to her feet and went to grab her hand-bag. "Rowan, stop being such a spoilt sport." She rummaged the contents and summoned the packet of condoms which I'd found earlier. "I brought these, so we might as well use it."

   I didn't say anything, because I knew Alana. It was too hard to talk her through out of anything without it becoming a massive debate.

"Talk to me, Rowan. What did I do wrong? Wasn't I sucking you right?"

I flinched at her words. That mouth needed some serious filtering.

"You weren't enjoying yourself? Is that it? Because you need to teach me how to. I haven't done these things before, you know. Unlike some people who seemed to have a PHD when it comes to pleasing women."

Her words sliced through me like a sharp blade, especially the teaching part.

"Trust me, you do know how to make a man hard, but it's not about that." I blew out a breath. This was the moment of truth. "I think we should talk."

She rolled her eyes. "We can talk later too. We could use the time for something else."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Did they pour something in your drink in the flight? How horny are you?"

"As horny as a woman could get when her boyfriend refuses to have sex with her." Alana folded her arms and perched at the corner of the bed. "You are not going to tell me you are gay, right? Because it didn't seem that way in the car a few minutes back."

Here goes nothing.

"I think it would be best if we could take a break for some time." There. I said it.

Alana stared at me. It was just a plain stare filled with questions that were going to be bombarded at me just about now. I continued. "I don't know how long I'm going to be in Denmark for my therapy, it could take a year to maximum of four years."

  She was still giving me that hard stare, I knew she would blast at any moment. I needed to thread slowly out of this situation. It was like walking over egg shells knowing they were going to break.

"During that time, I want you to concentrate on studying and stop worrying about me. Enjoy your college life, do what others your age do."

There was silence for what felt like an hour.

"Are you breaking up with me?" I saw a lone tear trickle down her cheek.

"It's kind of harsh if you put it that way." I couldn't even maintain eye contact with her.

"Rowan Masters, are you dumping me?" Alana's voice wavered, like she was about to scream or cry, or both.

"I think it's best that we broke up." I broke the ice.

"Just tell me this is a fucking joke!" She said. "Rowan? You're kidding right?" 

    I couldn't breathe. How had it come to this? I'd never imagined my life without Alana. The thought of missing a chance of being in her arms, or not being able to see her smile upset me. But, Alana was still too young to take a decision that included me in her future. I hated to see the dejected look on her face because I loved her more than my life, but I needed to give her one chance to see what life was like beyond me, because sometimes, between priorities and selfish desires, you outta choose what's right and I knew if I didn't break up and draw a line, she would never be able to explore the world. She would never find out how great normal feels like. And I could never give her that.

"But, you told me you loved me." I heard Alana say, her voice bordering to a sob.

"I love you, but that doesn't mean we should be together." If I allowed her to see even an ounce of weakness, I would eventually cave in. "You are going to be miles away from here, and we wouldn't be able to meet that often. It's not going to be a healthy relationship. Long distance never works."

"We could work this out. I could meet you every few months."

"Alana, you're still a college student, how are you going to pay for an air fare every few months? I know that I can't because I don't have much savings left. And my father is paying to keep me here and although I know he wouldn't want the money back, I owe him. I'm fucking twenty-seven raising a child and letting my father help me financially. Do you realize how pathetic that is?"