Messages to you that were never sent by Christina Foster (affordable ebook reader .txt) 📕

I stay up late at night wondering if you think about me like I think about you, I wonder at night if you cry about me like I cry about you, I wonder if you really did mean the texts you sent me the night before you came over and said all the means things, I now wonder if what you said was a lie or the truth, I wonder if you worry about me, I wonder if you could have kissed me, hugged me, hold me. I wanted it to work I wanted to be yours, I wanted you to treat me like a princess, I wanted you to worry about me like you did. I wanted you to love me. I sit here writing this crying as I know you have removed me from your snap chat and unfriended me on Instagram and taken my number out of your phone, I go through the messages before you said the bad things, I read how you were always there for me, I read the worry in your texts about my cutting or more like just scratching my arms out, I read the worrying in your voicemails when I wouldn't answer my phone, I read the massive long ass text messages in the morning saying how much you liked me and how much you wished we could have been together, I read them over and over again, the messages, the voicemail, the snaps, the DMs everything I go over and realised everything was about me and never about you, I only worried about my self I never asked you how you were, I never asked why you wouldn’t answer my texts or my calls, I never knew that you lost someone dear to you as you never told me and I read now that I wish I did, I wish I asked, I wish I had the decency to ask how you were and not just worry about myself, I now know why you texted me one morning saying how self-absorbed I was and how not everything evolves around me, im sorry I was so selfish. IM SORRY!!

i sit her relizing what i had done, what i threw away, what i took advantage of. The beatiful girl with the brown hair and the hazel eyes, the calming smile, the contages laugh. the girl i loved and still do, i sit here wondering if you will ever actually get this, if i will actually send it to you, but i dont care if you do or not becuase i need to relize what i just threw away, your probably sitting on your coush with your family having a good laugh and i sit here with tears pouring down my face, i wish i could've told you the reason i wish i told you i did really love you, i did'nt want to leave, that i wanted you to be in my arms forever, but instad of that words of disgustand hatred not for you but for myslef i was being stupid i was running away, i was also pushing away the one person that truly loved me and i truly loved them, i pushed away the girl of my dreams, i ruined my chance by calling you the worst thing to ever come out of my mouth, i ruined my chance to hvae smone that truly loved me i ruined my chance to have you, the saying "you dont know what you had until its gone" well i found out its true, buti can never get mine back, you are probably sitting in your room watching movies with popcorn in hand and ready to watch and epic movie, or your sitting on your bed deleting all our pictures, taking mynumber out of your contacts, porbably blocked me on social media,tacken me out of your life, you've probably forgotten all about me, im know just a stranger that you loved, just someone that lives nextdoor to you, but that stranger still loves you, the stranger still wants you, the stranger knows you will never forgive him, now the stranger is lost deep in the ocean of regret and can't come up for air, the stranger that once was your lover know just the boy next door, the stranger that is SORRY. 

 i sit here tonight, writing this thinking, did you really love me, did you ever mean what he said, did you mean what you did to me, i sit here with tears threatening to spill from my hazel eyes he fell in love, words spinning in my head telling me dont go back to him he does'nt deserve you, dont be stupid, he never loved you, he took advantage of you, he got what he wanted from you, your love, your life, and the many things that come with that. he broke the heart that took nine mounths to build in a matter of seconds. my heart is shatterted at my feet while i write this, i sit here trying not to cut my self with the shattered peices on my heart that you left on the floor when you took it away from me, my mum told me that there would be boys that would break my heart and would just walk away wht the rest as prize, i forgot her advice when i fell for you games, when i fell for your tricks, i cant beleive i was that blind and stupid that i thought you wouldnt leave me , well i should tell my mum she was right shouldnt i, i should go and tell her what you said, the exact words that left you mouth like worthless, cow, slut, whore, fat, pig, loser, unworthy, digusting human being. i guesse she was right and the saying mother always know whats best well hahaha she was bloody right. my mum was right that even the guy you thought you would love and cherish would break your heart in the end.

 i sit here thinking about how much i fucked up, i sit here wishing i was'nt such a asshole, i sit here wishing i just told you what was wrong, i wsh i could have just told you how fucked up my life was and that i didnt want you to be invloved, i just wish i was'nt so blunt ad just told you that people were after me, peple wanted to hurt the people i love and they were going to stop at nothing to tell me they could get to me through the people i love most, i wish i could tell you that my mother didnt die in a car crash, that she actualy was murdered to keep me giving them what they want, i wish that i didnt have to lie to you when the girl i was always with was my cousin and that she was actually my sister and her being my cousin protected her, i wish i told you i had a little baby sister born after i met you but had to be tacken from me cuase they would get to her. im sorry i didnt tell you this.im sorry i keept things from you and that i didnt tell you what was really happening, but you have to see it from i didnt want them to find out that you meant so much to me and that you were one way for them to get me to do the things they wanted. if they knwe my mother was dead and i was an only child then they didnt have anyone to come after. i  couldnt even tell you that jake didnt drown when he went on his tropical getaway that the rich old me payed for to get him away from them so they wouldnt hurt him, jake was shot down in the plane and was taken to an island were he was shot in the head right in front of my eyes,  i wish i told you becaue it over now they cant hurt me or the one i love. i hvae my sisters back and all our loving staff and faily living back at the opal manchine and they are all safe and sound, i wish you were back here with me and i wasnt writing this stupid message that i probably will never send to you, i wish that you were here in my arms, but i know if i ever told you this you would never understand. im soo sorry that i couldnt fight for you, im sorry i left and didnt give you a reason and probably never will, im sorry i was such a failer to you and my mum. im sorry i wasnt the guy that was meant for you.

                                                                     i love you