The Arabian Nights Entertainments by - (carter reed TXT) 📕

be shaved this day.” “Sir,” said the barber, “pray what do you mean? I did not come to seek for you, you sent for me; and as that is the case I swear by the faith of a Moosulmaun, I will not stir out of these doors till I have shaved you. If you do not know my value, it is not my fault. Your deceased father did me more justice. Every time he sent for me to let him blood, he made me sit down by him, and was charmed with hearing what witty things I said. I kept him in a continual strain of admiration; I elevated him; and when I had finished my discourse, �My God,’ he would exclaim, �you are an inexhaustible source of science, no man can reach the depth of your knowledge.’ �My dear sir,’ I would answer, �you do me more honour than deserve. If I say anything that is worth hearing, it is owing to the favourable audience you vouchsafe me; it is your liberality that inspires me with the sublime thoughts which have the happiness to please you.’ One day, when he was charmed with an admirable discourse I had made him, he said, �Give him a hundred pieces of gold, and invest him with one of my richest robes.’ I instantly received the present. I then drew his horoscope, and found it the happiest in the world. Nav. I carried my gratitude further; I let him blood with cupping-glasses.”

This was not all; he spun out another harangue that was a full half hour long. Tired with hearing him, and fretted at the loss of time, which was almost spent before I was half ready, I did not know what to say. “It is impossible,” I exclaimed, “there should be such another man in the world who takes pleasure, as you do, in making people mad.”

I thought I might perhaps succeed better if I dealt mildly with my barber. “In the name of God,” said I, “leave off talking, and shave me directly: business of the last importance calls me, as I have already told you.” At these words he fell a laughing: “It would be fortunate,” said he, “if our minds were always in the same state; if we were always wise and prudent. I am willing, however, to believe, that if you are angry with me, it is your disorder that has caused the change in your temper, for which reason you stand in need of some instructions, and you cannot do better than follow the example of your father and grandfather.

They came and consulted me upon all occasions, and I can say, without vanity, that they always highly prized my advice. Pray observe, sir, men never succeed in their undertakings without the counsel of persons of understanding. A man cannot, says the proverb, be wise without receiving advice from the wise. I am entirely at service, and you have only to command me.”

“What! cannot I prevail with you then,” I demanded,, interrupting him, “to leave off these long speeches, that tend to nothing but to distract my head, and detain me from my business? Shave me, I say, or begone:” with that I started up in anger, stamping my foot against the ground.

When he saw I was in earnest, he said, “Sir, do not be angry, we are going to begin.” He lathered my head, and began to shave me; but had not given four strokes with his razor before he stopped, and addressed me, “Sir, you are hasty, you should avoid these transports that only come from the devil. I am entitled to some consideration on account of my age, my knowledge, and my great virtues.”

“Go on and shave me,” said I, interrupting him again, “and talk no more.” “That is to say,” replied he, “you have some urgent business to go about; I will lay you a wager I guess right.” “Why I told you two hours ago,” I returned, “you ought to have shaved me before.” “Moderate your passion,” replied he; “perhaps you have not maturely weighed what you are going about; when things are done precipitately, they are generally repented of. I wish you would tell me what mighty business this is you are so earnest upon. I would tell you my opinion of it; besides, you have time enough, since your appointment is not till noon, and it wants three hours of that yet.” “I do not mind that,” said I; “persons of honour and of their word are rather before their time than after. But I forget that by reasoning with you, I give into the faults of you prattling barbers; have done, have done; shave me.”

The more haste I was in, the less speed he made. He laid down the razor, and took up his astrolabe; then laid down his astrolabe, and took up his razor again.

The barber quitted his razor again, and took up his astrolabe a second time; and so left me half shaved, to go and see precisely what hour it was. Back he came, and exclaimed, “Sir, I knew I was not mistaken, it wants three hours of noon. I am sure of it, or else all the rules of astronomy are false.” “Just heaven!” cried I, “my patience is exhausted, I can bear this no longer. You cursed barber, you barber of mischief, I can scarcely forbear falling upon you and strangling you.” “Softly, sir,” said he, very calmly, without being moved by my anger: “are you not afraid of a relapse? Be not in a passion, I am going to shave you this minute.” In speaking these words, he clapped his astrolabe in his case, took up his razor, and passing it over the strap which was fixed to his belt, fell to shaving me again; but all the while he was thus employed, the dog could not forbear prattling. “If you would be pleased, sir,” said he, “to tell me what the business is you are going about at noon, I could give you some advice that might be of use to you.” To satisfy the fellow, I told him I was going to meet some friends at an entertainment at noon, to make merry with me on the recovery of ray health.

When the barber heard me talk of regaling; “God bless you this day, as well as all other days!” he cried: “you put me in mind that yesterday I invited four or five friends to come and eat with me as this day; indeed I had forgotten the engagement, and have made no preparation for them.” “Do not let that trouble you,” said I; “though I dine abroad, my larder is always well furnished. I make you a present of all that it contains; and besides, I will order you as much wine as you have occasion for; I have excellent wine in my cellar; only you must hasten to finish shaving me: and pray remember, as my father made you presents to encourage you to speak, I give you mine to induce you to be silent.”

He was not satisfied with my promise, but exclaimed, “God reward you, sir, for your kindness: pray shew me these provisions now, that I may see if there will be enough to entertain my friends. I would have them satisfied with the good fare I make them.” “I have,” said I, “a lamb, six capons, a dozen chickens, and enough to make four courses.” I ordered a slave to bring all before him, with four great pitchers of wine. “It is very well,” returned the barber; “but we shall want fruit, and sauce for the meat.” These I ordered likewise; but then he left off shaving, to look over every thing one after another; and this survey lasted almost half an hour. I raged and stormed like a madman; but it signified nothing, the wretch made no more haste. However, he took up his razor again, and shaved me for some minutes; then stopping suddenly, exclaimed, “I could not have believed, sir, that you would have been so liberal; I begin to perceive that your deceased father lives again in you. Most certainly, I do not deserve the favours with which you have loaded me; and I assure you I shall have them in perpetual remembrance; for, sir, to let you know, I have nothing but what I obtain from the generosity of such gentlemen as you: in which respect, I am like to Zantout, who rubs the people in the baths; to Sali, who cries boiled peas in the streets; to Salout, who sells beans; to Akerscha, who sells greens; to Aboumecarez, who sprinkles the streets to lay the dust; and to Cassem, the caliph’s lifeguard man. Of all these persons, not one is apt so be melancholy; they are neither impertinent nor quarrelsome; they are more contented with their lot, than the caliph in the midst of his court; they are always gay, ready to sing and dance, and have each of them their peculiar song and dance, with which they divert the city of Bagdad; but what I esteem most in them is, that they are no great talkers, any more than your slave, that has bow the honour to speak to you. Here, sir, is the song and dance of Zantout, who rubs the people in the baths; mind me, pray, and see if I do not imitate it exactly.”

The barber sung the song, and danced the dance of Zantout; and let me say what I could to oblige him to finish his buffooneries, he did not cease till he had imitated, in like manner, the songs and dances of the other persons he had named. “After that,”

addressing himself to me, “I am going,” said he, “to invite all these honest men to my house; if you will take my advice you will join us, and disappoint your friends, who perhaps are great talkers. They will only teaze you to death with their impertinent discourse, and make you relapse into a disorder worse than that from which you are so lately recovered; whereas at my house you shall have nothing but pleasure.”

Notwithstanding my anger, I could not forbear laughing at the fellow’s impertinence. “I wish I had no business upon my hands,”

I replied, “I would accept your invitation, and go with all my heart to partake of your entertainment; but I beg to be excused, I am too much engaged; another day I shall be more at leisure, and then we will make up the same party. Come, finish shaving me, and make haste home; perhaps your friends are already arrived at your house.” “Sir,” replied he, “do not refuse me the favour I ask of you; were you but once in our company, it would afford you so much pleasure as abundantly to compensate you for forsaking your friends.” “Let us talk no more of that,” said I; “I cannot be your guest.”

I found I gained no ground by mild terms. “Since you will not come to my house,” replied the barber, “you must allow me to go along with you: I will carry these things to my house, where my friends may eat of them if they like, and I will return immediately; I would not be so uncivil as to leave you alone. You deserve this piece of complaisance at my hands.” “Heavens!” cried I, “then I shall not get clear of this troublesome fellow to-day.

In the name of the living God, leave off your unreasonable jargon; go to your friends, drink, eat, and be merry with them, and leave me at liberty to go to mine. I must go alone, I have no occasion for company; besides, I must needs tell you, the place to which I go is not one where you can be received.” “You jest, sir,” said he; “if