The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) 📕

was an eye of them all, so fitted to rob my uncle Toby of his repose, as the very eye, at which he was looking⁠⸺⁠it was not, Madam, a rolling eye⁠⸺⁠a romping or a wanton one⁠—nor was it an eye sparkling⁠—petulant or imperious⁠—of high claims and terrifying exactions, which would have curdled at once that milk of human nature, of which my uncle Toby was made up⁠⸺⁠but ’twas an eye full of gentle salutations⁠⸺⁠and soft responses⁠⸺⁠speaking⁠⸺⁠not like the trumpet stop of some ill-made organ, in which many an eye I talk to, holds coarse converse⁠⸺⁠but whispering soft⁠⸺⁠like the last low accent of an expiring saint⁠⸺“How can you live comfortless, captain Shandy, and alone, without a bosom to lean your head on⁠⸺⁠or trust your cares to?”

It was an eye⁠⸺⁠

But I shall be in love with it myself, if I say another word about it.

⸺⁠It did my uncle Toby’s business.

XXVI

There is nothing shows the character of my father and my uncle Toby, in a more entertaining light, than their different manner of deportment, under the same accident⁠⸺⁠for I call not love a misfortune, from a persuasion, that a man’s heart is ever the better for it⁠⸺⁠Great God! what must my uncle Toby’s have been, when ’twas all benignity without it.

My father, as appears from many of his papers, was very subject to this passion, before he married⁠⸺⁠but from a little subacid kind of drollish impatience in his nature, whenever it befell him, he would never submit to it like a christian; but would pish, and huff, and bounce, and kick, and play the Devil, and write the bitterest Philippicks against the eye that ever man wrote⁠⸺⁠there is one in verse upon somebody’s eye or other, that for two or three nights together, had put him by his rest; which in his first transport of resentment against it, he begins thus:

“A Devil ’tis⁠⸺⁠and mischief such doth work
As never yet did Pagan, Jew, or Turk.”36

In short, during the whole paroxism, my father was all abuse and foul language, approaching rather towards malediction⁠⸺⁠only he did not do it with as much method as Ernulphus⁠⸺⁠he was too impetuous; nor with Ernulphus’s policy⁠⸺⁠for tho’ my father, with the most intolerant spirit, would curse both this and that, and everything under heaven, which was either aiding or abetting to his love⁠⸺⁠yet never concluded his chapter of curses upon it, without cursing himself in at the bargain, as one of the most egregious fools and coxcombs, he would say, that ever was let loose in the world.

My uncle Toby, on the contrary, took it like a lamb⁠⸺⁠sat still and let the poison work in his veins without resistance⁠⸺⁠in the sharpest exacerbations of his wound (like that on his groin) he never dropt one fretful or discontented word⁠⸺⁠he blamed neither heaven nor earth⁠⸺⁠or thought or spoke an injurious thing of anybody, or any part of it; he sat solitary and pensive with his pipe⁠⸺⁠looking at his lame leg⁠⸺⁠then whiffing out a sentimental heigh ho! which mixing with the smoke, incommoded no one mortal.

He took it like a lamb⁠⸺⁠I say.

In truth he had mistook it at first; for having taken a ride with my father, that very morning, to save if possible a beautiful wood, which the dean and chapter were hewing down to give to the poor;37 which said wood being in full view of my uncle Toby’s house, and of singular service to him in his description of the battle of Wynnendale⁠—by trotting on too hastily to save it⁠⸺⁠upon an uneasy saddle⁠⸺⁠worse horse, etc. etc⁠ ⁠… it had so happened, that the serous part of the blood had got betwixt the two skins, in the nethermost part of my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠the first shootings of which (as my uncle Toby had no experience of love) he had taken for a part of the passion⁠—till the blister breaking in the one case⁠—and the other remaining⁠—my uncle Toby was presently convinced, that his wound was not a skin-deep wound⁠⸺⁠but that it had gone to his heart.

XXVII

The world is ashamed of being virtuous⁠⸺⁠My uncle Toby knew little of the world; and therefore when he felt he was in love with widow Wadman, he had no conception that the thing was any more to be made a mystery of, than if Mrs. Wadman had given him a cut with a gap’d knife across his finger: Had it been otherwise⁠⸺⁠yet as he ever look’d upon Trim as a humble friend; and saw fresh reasons every day of his life, to treat him as such⁠⸺⁠it would have made no variation in the manner in which he informed him of the affair.

“I am in love, corporal!” quoth my uncle Toby.

XXVIII

In love!⁠⸺⁠said the corporal⁠—your honour was very well the day before yesterday, when I was telling your honour the story of the King of Bohemia⁠—Bohemia! said my uncle Toby - - - - musing a long time - - - What became of that story, Trim?

—We lost it, an’ please your honour, somehow betwixt us⁠—but your honour was as free from love then, as I am⁠⸺’twas just whilst thou went’st off with the wheelbarrow⁠⸺⁠with Mrs. Wadman, quoth my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠She has left a ball here⁠—added my uncle Toby⁠—pointing to his breast⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠She can no more, an’ please your honour, stand a siege, than she can fly⁠—cried the corporal⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠But as we are neighbours, Trim,⁠—the best way I think is to let her know it civilly first⁠—quoth my uncle Toby.

Now if I might presume, said the corporal, to differ from your honour⁠⸺⁠

—Why else do I talk to thee, Trim? said my uncle Toby, mildly⁠⸺⁠

—Then I would begin, an’ please your honour, with making a good thundering attack upon her, in return⁠—and telling her civilly afterwards⁠—for if she knows anything of your honour’s being in love, before hand⁠⸺⁠L⁠⸺⁠d help her!⁠—she knows no more at present of it, Trim, said my uncle Toby⁠—than the child unborn⁠⸻

Precious souls!⁠⸻

Mrs. Wadman had told it, with all its circumstances, to Mrs. Bridget twenty-four hours before; and was at that very moment sitting in