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council with her, touching some slight misgivings with regard to the issue of the affairs, which the Devil, who never lies dead in a ditch, had put into her headā ā€”before he would allow half time, to get quietly through her Te Deum.

I am terribly afraid, said widow Wadman, in case I should marry him, Bridgetā ā€”that the poor captain will not enjoy his health, with the monstrous wound upon his groinā āøŗā 

It may not, Madam, be so very large, replied Bridget, as you thinkā āøŗā and I believe, besides, added sheā ā€”that ā€™tis dried upā āøŗā 

āøŗā I could like to knowā ā€”merely for his sake, said Mrs. Wadmanā āøŗā 

ā€”Weā€™ll know the long and the broad of it, in ten daysā ā€”answered Mrs. Bridget, for whilst the captain is paying his addresses to youā ā€”Iā€™m confident Mr. Trim will be for making love to meā ā€”and Iā€™ll let him as much as he willā ā€”added Bridgetā ā€”to get it all out of himā āøŗā 

The measures were taken at onceā āøŗā and my uncle Toby and the corporal went on with theirs.

Now, quoth the corporal, setting his left hand akimbo, and giving such a flourish with his right, as just promised successā ā€”and no moreā āøŗā if your honour will give me leave to lay down the plan of this attackā āøŗā 

āøŗā Thou wilt please me by it, Trim, said my uncle Toby, exceedinglyā ā€”and as I foresee thou must act in it as my aid de camp, hereā€™s a crown, corporal, to begin with, to steep thy commission.

Then, anā€™ please your honour, said the corporal (making a bow first for his commission)ā ā€”we will begin with getting your honourā€™s laced clothes out of the great campaign-trunk, to be well airā€™d, and have the blue and gold taken up at the sleevesā ā€”and Iā€™ll put your white ramallie-wig fresh into pipesā ā€”and send for a tailor, to have your honourā€™s thin scarlet breeches turnā€™dā āøŗā 

ā€”I had better take the red plush ones, quoth my uncle Tobyā āøŗā They will be too clumsyā ā€”said the corporal.

XXIX

āøŗā Thou wilt get a brush and a little chalk to my swordā āøŗā€™Twill be only in your honourā€™s way, replied Trim.

XXX

āøŗā But your honourā€™s two razors shall be new setā ā€”and I will get my Montero-cap furbishā€™d up, and put on poor lieutenant Le Feverā€™s regimental coat, which your honour gave me to wear for his sakeā ā€”and as soon as your honour is clean shavedā ā€”and has got your clean shirt on, with your blue and gold, or your fine scarletā āøŗā sometimes one and sometimes tā€™otherā ā€”and everything is ready for the attackā ā€”weā€™ll march up boldly, as if ā€™twas to the face of a bastion; and whilst your honour engages Mrs. Wadman in the parlour, to the rightā āøŗā Iā€™ll attack Mrs. Bridget in the kitchen, to the left; and having seizā€™d the pass, Iā€™ll answer for it, said the corporal, snapping his fingers over his headā ā€”that the day is our own.

I wish I may but manage it right; said my uncle Tobyā ā€”but I declare, corporal, I had rather march up to the very edge of a trenchā āøŗā 

ā€”A woman is quite a different thingā ā€”said the corporal.

ā€”I suppose so, quoth my uncle Toby.

XXXI

If anything in this world, which my father said, could have provoked my uncle Toby, during the time he was in love, it was the perverse use my father was always making of an expression of Hilarion the hermit; who, in speaking of his abstinence, his watchings, flagellations, and other instrumental parts of his religionā ā€”would sayā ā€”thoā€™ with more facetiousness than became an hermitā ā€”ā€œThat they were the means he used, to make his ass (meaning his body) leave off kicking.ā€

It pleased my father well; it was not only a laconick way of expressingā āøŗā but of libelling, at the same time, the desires and appetites of the lower part of us; so that for many years of my fatherā€™s life, ā€™twas his constant mode of expressionā ā€”he never used the word passions onceā ā€”but ass always instead of themā āøŗā So that he might be said truly, to have been upon the bones, or the back of his own ass, or else of some other manā€™s, during all that time.

I must here observe to you the difference betwixt

My fatherā€™s ass

and my hobbyhorseā ā€”in order to keep characters as separate as may be, in our fancies as we go along.

For my hobbyhorse, if you recollect a little, is no way a vicious beast; he has scarce one hair or lineament of the ass about himā āøŗā€™Tis the sporting little filly-folly which carries you out for the present hourā ā€”a maggot, a butterfly, a picture, a fiddlestickā ā€”an uncle Tobyā€™s siegeā ā€”or an anything, which a man makes a shift to get astride on, to canter it away from the cares and solicitudes of lifeā ā€”ā€™Tis as useful a beast as is in the whole creationā ā€”nor do I really see how the world would do without itā āøŗā 

āøŗā But for my fatherā€™s assā āø»oh! mount himā ā€”mount himā ā€”mount himā ā€”(thatā€™s three times, is it not?)ā ā€”mount him not:ā ā€”ā€™tis a beast concupiscentā ā€”and foul befal the man, who does not hinder him from kicking.

XXXII

Well! dear brother Toby, said my father, upon his first seeing him after he fell in loveā ā€”and how goes it with your Asse?

Now my uncle Toby thinking more of the part where he had had the blister, than of Hilarionā€™s metaphorā ā€”and our preconceptions having (you know) as great a power over the sounds of words as the shapes of things, he had imagined, that my father, who was not very ceremonious in his choice of words, had enquired after the part by its proper name; so notwithstanding my mother, doctor Slop, and Mr. Yorick, were sitting in the parlour, he thought it rather civil to conform to the term my father had made use of than not. When a man is hemmā€™d in by two indecorums, and must commit one of ā€™emā ā€”I always observeā ā€”let him choose which he will, the world will blame himā ā€”so I should not be astonished if it blames my uncle Toby.

My Aā āøŗā e, quoth my uncle Toby, is much betterā ā€”brother Shandyā ā€”My father had formed great expectations from his Asse in this onset; and would have brought him on again; but doctor Slop setting up an intemperate

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