The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) 📕

much as thou wilt, said my uncle Toby; I shall hear thy story with the more delight⁠⸺⁠The corporal thank’d his master most unfeignedly; but having nothing to say upon the Beguine’s hand but the same over again⁠⸺⁠he proceeded to the effects of it.

The fair Beguine, said the corporal, continued rubbing with her whole hand under my knee⁠—till I fear’d her zeal would weary her⁠⸺“I would do a thousand times more,” said she, “for the love of Christ”⁠⸺⁠In saying which, she pass’d her hand across the flannel, to the part above my knee, which I had equally complain’d of, and rubb’d it also.

I perceived, then, I was beginning to be in love⁠⸺⁠

As she continued rub-rub-rubbing⁠—I felt it spread from under her hand, an’ please your honour, to every part of my frame.⁠⸺⁠

The more she rubb’d, and the longer strokes she took⁠⸺⁠the more the fire kindled in my veins⁠⸺⁠till at length, by two or three strokes longer than the rest⁠⸺⁠my passion rose to the highest pitch⁠⸺⁠I seiz’d her hand⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠And then thou clapped’st it to thy lips, Trim, said my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠and madest a speech.

Whether the corporal’s amour terminated precisely in the way my uncle Toby described it, is not material; it is enough that it contained in it the essence of all the love romances which ever have been wrote since the beginning of the world.

XXIII

As soon as the corporal had finished the story of his amour⁠—or rather my uncle Toby for him⁠—Mrs. Wadman silently sallied forth from her arbour, replaced the pin in her mob, pass’d the wicker-gate, and advanced slowly towards my uncle Toby’s sentry-box: the disposition which Trim had made in my uncle Toby’s mind, was too favourable a crisis to be let slipp’d⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠The attack was determin’d upon: it was facilitated still more by my uncle Toby’s having ordered the corporal to wheel off the pioneer’s shovel, the spade, the pickaxe, the picquets, and other military stores which lay scatter’d upon the ground where Dunkirk stood⁠—the corporal had march’d⁠—the field was clear.

Now, consider, sir, what nonsense it is, either in fighting, or writing, or anything else (whether in rhyme to it, or not) which a man has occasion to do⁠—to act by plan: for if ever Plan, independent of all circumstances, deserved registering in letters of gold (I mean in the archives of Gotham)⁠—it was certainly the Plan of Mrs. Wadman’s attack of my uncle Toby in his sentry-box, by Plan⁠⸺⁠Now the plan hanging up in it at this juncture, being the Plan of Dunkirk⁠—and the tale of Dunkirk a tale of relaxation, it opposed every impression she could make: and besides, could she have gone upon it⁠—the manoeuvre of fingers and hands in the attack of the sentry-box, was so outdone by that of the fair Beguine’s, in Trim’s story⁠—that just then, that particular attack, however successful before⁠—became the most heartless attack that could be made⁠⸺⁠

O! let woman alone for this. Mrs. Wadman had scarce open’d the wicket-gate, when her genius sported with the change of circumstances.

⸺⁠She formed a new attack in a moment.

XXIV

⸺⁠I am half distracted, captain Shandy, said Mrs. Wadman, holding up her cambrick handkerchief to her left eye, as she approach’d the door of my uncle Toby’s sentry-box⁠⸺⁠a mote⁠⸺⁠or sand⁠⸺⁠or something⁠⸺⁠I know not what, has got into this eye of mine⁠⸺⁠do look into it⁠—it is not in the white⁠—

In saying which, Mrs. Wadman edged herself close in beside my uncle Toby, and squeezing herself down upon the corner of his bench, she gave him an opportunity of doing it without rising up⁠⸺⁠Do look into it⁠—said she.

Honest soul! thou didst look into it with as much innocency of heart, as ever child look’d into a raree-show-box; and ’twere as much a sin to have hurt thee.

⸺⁠If a man will be peeping of his own accord into things of that nature⁠⸺⁠I’ve nothing to say to it⁠⸺⁠

My uncle Toby never did: and I will answer for him, that he would have sat quietly upon a sofa from June to January (which, you know, takes in both the hot and cold months), with an eye as fine as the Thracian35 Rodope’s beside him, without being able to tell, whether it was a black or blue one.

The difficulty was to get my uncle Toby to look at one at all.

’Tis surmounted. And

I see him yonder with his pipe pendulous in his hand, and the ashes falling out of it⁠—looking⁠—and looking⁠—then rubbing his eyes⁠—and looking again, with twice the good-nature that ever Gallileo look’d for a spot in the sun.

⸺⁠In vain! for by all the powers which animate the organ⁠⸺⁠Widow Wadman’s left eye shines this moment as lucid as her right⁠⸺⁠there is neither mote, or sand, or dust, or chaff, or speck, or particle of opake matter floating in it⁠—There is nothing, my dear paternal uncle! but one lambent delicious fire, furtively shooting out from every part of it, in all directions, into thine⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠If thou lookest, uncle Toby, in search of this mote one moment longer⁠⸺⁠thou art undone.

XXV

An eye is for all the world exactly like a cannon, in this respect; That it is not so much the eye or the cannon, in themselves, as it is the carriage of the eye⁠⸺⁠and the carriage of the cannon, by which both the one and the other are enabled to do so much execution. I don’t think the comparison a bad one; However, as ’tis made and placed at the head of the chapter, as much for use as ornament, all I desire in return is, that whenever I speak of Mrs. Wadman’s eyes (except once in the next period), that you keep it in your fancy.

I protest, Madam, said my uncle Toby, I can see nothing whatever in your eye.

It is not in the white; said Mrs. Wadman: my uncle Toby look’d with might and main into the pupil⁠⸺⁠

Now of all the eyes which ever were created⁠⸺⁠from your own, Madam, up to those of Venus herself, which certainly were as venereal a pair of eyes as ever stood in a head⁠⸺⁠there never