The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne (pdf e book reader txt) 📕

laugh⁠—and my mother crying out L⁠⸺ bless us!⁠—it drove my father’s Asse off the field⁠—and the laugh then becoming general⁠—there was no bringing him back to the charge, for some time⁠⸺⁠

And so the discourse went on without him.

Everybody, said my mother, says you are in love, brother Toby,⁠—and we hope it is true.

I am as much in love, sister, I believe, replied my uncle Toby, as any man usually is⁠⸺⁠Humph! said my father⁠⸺⁠and when did you know it? quoth my mother⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠When the blister broke; replied my uncle Toby.

My uncle Toby’s reply put my father into good temper⁠—so he charg’d o’ foot.

XXXIII

As the ancients agree, brother Toby, said my father, that there are two different and distinct kinds of love, according to the different parts which are affected by it⁠—the Brain or Liver⁠⸺⁠I think when a man is in love, it behoves him a little to consider which of the two he is fallen into.

What signifies it, brother Shandy, replied my uncle Toby, which of the two it is, provided it will but make a man marry, and love his wife, and get a few children?

⸺⁠A few children! cried my father, rising out of his chair, and looking full in my mother’s face, as he forced his way betwixt her’s and doctor Slop’s⁠—a few children! cried my father, repeating my uncle Toby’s words as he walk’d to and fro⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠Not, my dear brother Toby, cried my father, recovering himself all at once, and coming close up to the back of my uncle Toby’s chair⁠—not that I should be sorry hadst thou a score⁠—on the contrary, I should rejoice⁠—and be as kind, Toby, to every one of them as a father⁠—

My uncle Toby stole his hand unperceived behind his chair, to give my father’s a squeeze⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠Nay, moreover, continued he, keeping hold of my uncle Toby’s hand⁠—so much dost thou possess, my dear Toby, of the milk of human nature, and so little of its asperities⁠—’tis piteous the world is not peopled by creatures which resemble thee; and was I an Asiatic monarch, added my father, heating himself with his new project⁠—I would oblige thee, provided it would not impair thy strength⁠—or dry up thy radical moisture too fast⁠—or weaken thy memory or fancy, brother Toby, which these gymnics inordinately taken are apt to do⁠—else, dear Toby, I would procure thee the most beautiful women in my empire, and I would oblige thee, nolens, volens, to beget for me one subject every month⁠⸺⁠

As my father pronounced the last word of the sentence⁠—my mother took a pinch of snuff.

Now I would not, quoth my uncle Toby, get a child, nolens, volens, that is, whether I would or no, to please the greatest prince upon earth⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠And ’twould be cruel in me, brother Toby, to compel thee; said my father⁠—but ’tis a case put to show thee, that it is not thy begetting a child⁠—in case thou should’st be able⁠—but the system of Love and Marriage thou goest upon, which I would set thee right in⁠⸺⁠

There is at least, said Yorick, a great deal of reason and plain sense in captain Shandy’s opinion of love; and ’tis amongst the ill-spent hours of my life, which I have to answer for, that I have read so many flourishing poets and rhetoricians in my time, from whom I never could extract so much⁠⸺⁠

I wish, Yorick, said my father, you had read Plato; for there you would have learnt that there are two Loves⁠—I know there were two Religions, replied Yorick, amongst the ancients⁠⸺⁠one⁠—for the vulgar, and another for the learned;⁠—but I think one Love might have served both of them very well⁠—

It could not; replied my father⁠—and for the same reasons: for of these Loves, according to Ficinus’s comment upon Velasius, the one is rational⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠the other is natural⁠⸺⁠

the first ancient⁠⸺⁠without mother⁠⸺⁠where Venus had nothing to do: the second, begotten of Jupiter and Dione⁠—

⸺⁠Pray, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, what has a man who believes in God to do with this? My father could not stop to answer, for fear of breaking the thread of his discourse⁠⸺⁠

This latter, continued he, partakes wholly of the nature of Venus.

The first, which is the golden chain let down from heaven, excites to love heroic, which comprehends in it, and excites to the desire of philosophy and truth⁠⸺⁠the second, excites to desire, simply⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠I think the procreation of children as beneficial to the world, said Yorick, as the finding out of the longitude⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠To be sure, said my mother, love keeps peace in the world⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠In the house⁠—my dear, I own⁠—

⸺⁠It replenishes the earth; said my mother⁠⸺⁠

But it keeps heaven empty⁠—my dear; replied my father.

⸺’Tis Virginity, cried Slop, triumphantly, which fills paradise.

Well push’d, nun! quoth my father.

XXXIV

My father had such a skirmishing, cutting kind of a slashing way with him, in his disputations, thrusting and ripping, and giving everyone a stroke to remember him by in his turn⁠—that if there were twenty people in company⁠—in less than half an hour he was sure to have every one of ’em against him.

What did not a little contribute to leave him thus without an ally, was, that if there was any one post more untenable than the rest, he would be sure to throw himself into it; and to do him justice, when he was once there, he would defend it so gallantly, that ’twould have been a concern, either to a brave man or a good-natured one, to have seen him driven out.

Yorick, for this reason, though he would often attack him⁠—yet could never bear to do it with all his force.

Doctor Slop’s Virginity, in the close of the last chapter, had got him for once on the right side of the rampart; and he was beginning to blow up all the convents in Christendom about Slop’s ears, when corporal Trim came into the parlour to inform my uncle Toby, that his thin scarlet breeches, in which the attack was to be made upon Mrs. Wadman, would not do; for that the tailor, in ripping them up,