The Country Wife by William Wycherley (ebook reader ink .TXT) 📕

him win the first stake of love, by the world. But come, they stay dinner for us: come, I’ll lead down our Margery. Pinchwife No⁠—sir, go, we’ll follow you. Sparkish I will not wag without you. Pinchwife This coxcomb is a sensible torment to me amidst the greatest in the world. Aside. Sparkish Come, come, Madam Margery. Pinchwife No; I’ll lead her my way: what, would you treat your friends with mine, for want of your own wife?⁠—Leads her to the other door, and locks her in and returns. I am contented my rage should take breath⁠—Aside. Sparkish I told Horner this. Pinchwife Come now. Sparkish Lord, how shy you are of your wife! but let me tell you, brother, we men of wit have amongst us a saying, that cuckolding, like the smallpox, comes with a fear; and you may keep your wife as much as you will out of danger of infection, but if her constitution incline her to’t, she’ll have it sooner or later, by the world, say they. Pinchwife

Aside. What a thing is a cuckold, that every fool can make him ridiculous!⁠—Aloud. Well, sir⁠—but let me advise you, now you are come to be concerned, because you suspect the danger, not to neglect the means to prevent it, especially when the greatest share of the malady will light upon your own head, for

Hows’e’er the kind wife’s belly comes to swell,
The husband breeds for her, and first is ill.

Exeunt. Act V Scene I

Pinchwife’s House.

Enter Pinchwife and Mrs. Pinchwife. A table and candle. Pinchwife Come, take the pen and make an end of the letter, just as you intended; if you are false in a tittle, I shall soon perceive it, and punish you as you deserve.⁠—Lays his hand on his sword. Write what was to follow⁠—let’s see⁠—“You must make haste, and help me away before tomorrow, or else I shall be forever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our”⁠—What follows “our”? Mrs. Pinchwife Must all out, then, bud?⁠—Look you there, then. Mrs. Pinchwife takes the pen and writes. Pinchwife Let’s see⁠—“For I can defer no longer our⁠—wedding⁠—Your slighted Alithea.”⁠—What’s the meaning of this? my sister’s name to’t? speak, unriddle. Mrs. Pinchwife Yes, indeed, bud. Pinchwife But why her name to’t? speak⁠—speak, I say. Mrs. Pinchwife Ay, but you’ll tell her then again. If you would not tell her again⁠— Pinchwife I will not:⁠—I am stunned, my head turns round.⁠—Speak. Mrs. Pinchwife Won’t you tell her, indeed, and indeed? Pinchwife No; speak, I say. Mrs. Pinchwife She’ll be angry with me; but I had rather she should be angry with me than you, bud; and, to tell you the truth, ’twas she made me write the letter, and taught me what I should write. Pinchwife Aside. Ha!⁠—I thought the style was somewhat better than her own.⁠—Aloud. Could she come to you to teach you, since I had locked you up alone? Mrs. Pinchwife O, through the keyhole, bud. Pinchwife But why should she make you write a letter for her to him, since she can write herself? Mrs. Pinchwife Why, she said because⁠—for I was unwilling to do it⁠— Pinchwife Because what⁠—because? Mrs. Pinchwife Because, lest Mr. Horner should be cruel, and refuse her; or be vain afterwards, and show the letter, she might disown it, the hand not being hers. Pinchwife Aside. How’s this? Ha!⁠—then I think I shall come to myself again.⁠—This changeling could not invent this lie: but if she could, why should she? she might think I should soon discover it.⁠—Stay⁠—now I think on’t too, Horner said he was sorry she had married Sparkish; and her disowning her marriage to me makes me think she has evaded it for Horner’s sake: yet why should she take this course? But men in love are fools; women may well be so⁠—Aloud. But hark you, madam, your sister went out in the morning, and I have not seen her within since. Mrs. Pinchwife Alack-a-day, she has been crying all day above, it seems, in a corner. Pinchwife Where is she? let me speak with her. Mrs. Pinchwife Aside. O Lord, then she’ll discover all!⁠—Aloud. Pray hold, bud; what, d’ye mean to discover me? she’ll know I have told you then. Pray, bud, let me talk with her first. Pinchwife I must speak with her, to know whether Horner ever made her any promise, and whether she be married to Sparkish or no. Mrs. Pinchwife Pray, dear bud, don’t, till I have spoken with her, and told her that I have told you all; for she’ll kill me else. Pinchwife Go then, and bid her come out to me. Mrs. Pinchwife Yes, yes, bud. Pinchwife Let me see⁠—Pausing. Mrs. Pinchwife Aside. I’ll go, but she is not within to come to him: I have just got time to know of Lucy her maid, who first set me on work, what lie I shall tell next; for I am e’en at my wit’s end. Exit. Pinchwife Well, I resolve it, Horner shall have her: I’d rather give him my sister than lend him my wife; and such an alliance will prevent his pretensions to my wife, sure. I’ll make him of kin to her, and then he won’t care for her. Re-enter Mrs. Pinchwife. Mrs. Pinchwife O Lord, bud! I told you what anger you would make me with my sister. Pinchwife Won’t she come hither? Mrs. Pinchwife No, no. Lack-a-day, she’s ashamed to look you in the face: and she says, if you go in to her, she’ll run away downstairs, and shamefully go herself to Mr. Horner, who has promised her marriage, she says; and she will have no other, so she won’t. Pinchwife Did he so?⁠—promise her marriage!⁠—then she shall have no other. Go tell her so; and if she will come and discourse with me a little concerning the means, I will about it immediately. Go.⁠— Exit Mrs. Pinchwife. His estate is equal to Sparkish’s, and his extraction as much better than his, as his parts are; but my chief reason is, I’d rather be akin to him by the name of brother-in-law than that of cuckold. Re-enter