Pablo de Segovia, the Spanish Sharper by Francisco de Quevedo (e book reading free TXT) 📕

mind the pretended picklocks he had found in my pocket, and how many leaves he had writ of my process, I perceived there is nothing in nature increases so fast as a crime, when a notary has the handling of it. I spent the night in hatching schemes; sometimes I resolved to beg him for Jesus Christ’s sake; but then reflecting how He was used, when upon earth, by men of that kidney, I put off doing so. I tried several times to unbind myself, but he presently heard me, and came to see if all was fast; for he was more watchful, studying how to make out a lie, than I was to clear myself. He got up by break of day, and was dressed so early, that there was no creature stirring in the whole house besides himself and the devil that prompted him; he laid hold of a good leather belt, strapped me soundly with it over and over again, and reproved me severely for the vile sin of thieving, as being a thing he was so well acquainted with himself. This was the posture we were in, he laying on me, and I almost resolved to give him money, which is the only thing in nature that mollifies those stony hearts. By this time my mistress, who had seen my fall and cudgelling, being convinced it was a real misfortune and no enchantment, had, by her earnest prayers and entreaties, prevailed upon the Portuguese and Catalonian to come to my assistance, as they did. The notary hearing them speak to me, immediately drew out his pen to insert them into his process as accessories. The Portuguese had not patience to hear it, but let fly some ill language, telling him he was a man of quality, and the king’s servant, and that I was a very honest gentleman, and it was very knavishly done to bind me after that manner. This said, he began to unbind me, and the notary to cry out for help. In came two servants of his, half bum-bailiff and half porter, treading upon their own cloaks, and tearing their bands, as they use to do, to make it appear as if they had been beaten in the execution of their office, and roared out for all people to aid and assist them in the king’s name. However, the Portuguese and Catalonian unbound me, and the notary perceiving there was nobody to stand by him, said, “I vow to God I am not to be so served, and were not you, gentlemen, persons of such worth, it might cost you dear; however, bid these witnesses be contented, and take notice, that I serve you generously without any prospect of interest.” I understood the hint; took out a piece of eight and gave it him, and had a very good mind to return the beating he had given me, but forbore rather than own the receipt of it, and went away with them, returning hearty thanks for my deliverance, my face all bruised with the cuffs and my back weal’d with cudgelling. The Catalonian made very merry, and advised the wench to marry me to invert the proverb, “That I might not be cuckolded first and beaten after, but first beaten and then cuckolded.” He called me a bold desperate fellow, ironically alluding to my cudgelling, which sly way of his still put me out of countenance. If I happened to go in to give them but a friendly visit, he presently began a discourse of thrashing, of canes and cudgels.

Finding myself thus run down, and that they began to discover the cheat of my riches, I laid about how to get away from the house and carry off my equipage, without paying for my diet or lodging, which amounted to some money. I agreed with one, Licentiate Brandalagas, of the town of Hornillos, and two friends of his, that they should come and seize upon me. They came at the day appointed, told the landlady they were sent by the Inquisition, and charged her with secrecy. The whole family quaked for fear, because I had pretended to them that I was a conjurer. They spoke not a word against carrying me off, but when they saw my equipage moving they would have made a seizure for what I owed, but the others answered, “That all the goods belonged to the Inquisition.” At this they had no word to say; they let them go peaceably, and when they were gone, said, “They had always dreaded it.” The Portuguese and Catalonian positively affirmed that those who used to inquire for me were devils; that I had certainly a familiar spirit, and when the women told them how much money I had counted, they swore it was no money, though it seemed so, and the others believed them.

I got clear off, and saved all my diet and lodging, and then, with the advice of those that had stood my friends, I contrived to alter my dress into the genteel fashion, to put on strait breeches, and a great collar, and get a scoundrel by the name of a page, and two rogues for footmen, as the mode then was. The others encouraged me so to do, showing how I might make myself at once by that means, getting a wife with a great fortune, by making such a figure, which frequently happened at Madrid; adding, that they would put me in the way, finding out one for my turn, and contriving how I might gain admittance. Covetousness prevailing, and the desire of a wife, I consented, searched all the brokers’ shops, bought my wedding clothes, hired a horse, and mounted in great state that very day, but could not light on a footman. Away I made to the High Street, and stopped at a saddler’s shop, as if I were buying some furniture. Two gentlemen on horseback asked me, “Whether I was about buying a