Not Pretending Anymore by Ward, Penelope (big ebook reader .TXT) 📕

my moodiness and my inability to explain why I was sad. What was I supposed to say? I’m sad because the guy you hate for me to be around may never be coming back? I’m sad because I don’t quite know why I don’t love you?

But I realized it didn’t matter why I apparently didn’t love Will enough to say it. What mattered was being honest with him. And the truth was obvious. I couldn’t return his sentiments, and I wasn’t sure if I ever would.

Later, when he caught me in the break room, I couldn’t seem to look him in the eyes. And in that moment, I knew I’d reached my breaking point. I couldn’t do this anymore. Will Daniels might have been the perfect man, but he wasn’t the perfect man for me. He deserved someone who could profess her love for him without hesitation. I knew there would be a line of women waiting to take my place the second he went on the market again. Why waste his time if this wasn’t going to work out?

“Will…can we go out to the courtyard and talk?”

The look of disappointment in his eyes told me he knew exactly what was about to go down. He nodded and followed me outside.

And I broke up with one of the greatest men I’d ever met. Only time would tell if that was the biggest mistake of my life.

***

The following evening was my night off, and I decided to do something I’d been putting off; I invited my little sister, Siobhan, over for a sleepover. She’d just turned ten and was still struggling after Dad’s death. According to Kayla, Siobhan felt less alone around me because we had the loss of our dad in common. Kayla thought it would be a good idea for us to spend a little more time together. Hence, the sleepover. It was a nice distraction for me, as well.

While we noshed on pizza on the living room floor, my sister stuck her little nose where it didn’t belong.

“What happened to your two boyfriends?”

My eyes went wide. “Excuse me?”

“You have two boyfriends, don’t you? Will and Declan? They both came to Daddy’s funeral.”

My sister was more astute than I’d thought. And apparently, she thought I was polyamorous.

How to answer… “While in a fantasy world, a woman might be able to have two boyfriends and get away with it, in this world, most of the time, you only have one. Will was my boyfriend. Declan is my friend. Neither is currently my boyfriend.”

She tilted her head. “Why?”

No way was I getting into this with a ten-year-old.

“It’s complicated. But let’s just say, I didn’t love him the way I should have.”

She crossed her legs. “Why not?”

I blew a breath up into my hair. “I’m not sure. You know if you do love someone, but…it takes a little longer to figure out if you don’t sometimes.” Wiping my mouth with a napkin, I said, “Most of the time, it’s just a feeling. And once I realized Will wasn’t the one for me, I didn’t want to waste his time.”

“So how do you know if you love someone?”

That reminded me of my dad’s funeral and Declan’s words that day after I’d asked him the very question my sister had just asked me. “You know you’re in love if every little thing you’ve ever been scared of suddenly doesn’t seem half as terrifying as not spending the rest of your life with that person.”

If I stopped to analyze what I’d been feeling these past several days, it was fear—fear that I’d lost Declan. From the moment he’d told me he wasn’t coming back to Chicago, I could focus on little else.

Oh my God.

I finally answered her. “Siobhan, I think there’s more than one way to know you love someone. And one of those ways is losing them. Sometimes we don’t realize we love someone until it’s too late. Until they’re gone. I think that might be what’s happening to me.”

Her eyes practically bugged out of her head. “You love someone? Another guy? Number three?”

I shook my head and laughed. “No. Not number three. I love Declan.” I paused, gauging to make sure. Wow. Yeah. It sure is. “It’s Declan.”

She gasped. “Are you gonna tell him?”

I shook my head. “Maybe? I don’t know. I need more time to think about it. I only now just figured it out.”

“Okay.” She smiled and resumed eating her pizza as if this whole thing was no big deal.

It was to me.

We watched a movie after that and shared a giant tub of popcorn. But all I could think about was my realization about Declan. What did it mean? He was leaving Wisconsin for California in a few days. I still had a life here. Furthermore, what if he didn’t love me back? Then it wouldn’t matter how I felt.

I could only hope for some sort of sign in the days to come. I needed guidance on how to proceed. But I was especially glad I’d let Will go. Now I knew the source of my inability to love him. I loved someone else.

***

Later that night, Siobhan had gone to Declan’s room (yes, it would always be “Declan’s room”) to sleep, and I’d retreated to my own bedroom.

About ten minutes into my nighttime skincare routine, I heard my sister call me from across the hall.

“Molly!”

“Yeah?”

“Can you come here?”

When I entered the room, she was holding a piece of paper. “I found an M&M under the bed when I went to put my shoes there. So I went looking for more of them and found this.”

I took it from her. It was Declan’s handwriting.

And there were expletives.

Shit.

A bunch of sentences had been scratched out with a single line through them.

I read the note.

Fuck it. Let’s just try it.

I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to fuck you, Molly. But it’s so much more than that.

Maybe we should take it day by day and