The Christmas Bordello by Mike Marino (book club books txt) 📕

find a donut shop without a GPS but an assassin? They’re are always on TV asking for "our" help in locating such and such, but those North Pole Polar cops ...right on the ball and case closed and suspect killed within days..now that is police work!

So who really whacked Santa? Was it a cartel of Cuban elves pissed off over the whole Cuban Mistletoe Crisis? Hoover’s FBI Sugar Plum Fairies? CIA Wet Works Leprechauns? Scrooge Mobsters from Chicago or a merely a lone gun man with an Daisy air rifle...The only one whoever really knew, Ralphie, was shot dead before he could speak.

 

There was an investigation into the murder and the eight tiny reindeer were brought before a Congressional Hearing as they were the closest to Santa over the years...hauling his fat ass around the globe. Some theories advanced claim it was an inside job orchestrated by Rudolph “The Red” who kept to himself and never played in any reindeer games. A loner by nature he did have a close relationship with Jingle Bells Hoffa, head of Reindeer Teamsters Local 509 who mysteriously disappeared. Many think his body is buried in the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. Others claim he was killed by disgruntled union elves over Santa’s plan to ship toy manufacturing overseas to Chernobyl so toys would glow in the dark. Things went well until the big bang Chernobyl boom and some deranged individual kept yelling, “It’s a wonderful life Mr. Potter...Mrs. Potter….Harry Potter..and all you little pothead Potters!”

 

One mystery that keeps surfacing is that Santa made a deal to subcontract with the Unabomber to mail out excess Christmas packages over the holiday season. He said it would be a real blast! Each package came with card, manifesto and detonator. Investigators also looked at Santa’s family especially his brother Ted who once was involved in an accident when a woman was drowned after his snowmobile hit soft ice and went under water at Chappaquiddick. Police searched the murky waters but Mary Jo was never found. The good news though is that they found Amelia Earhart. Ted since has been trying to get a bill passed in Congress requiring all cars and other vehicles to come equipped with air bags and Life Preservers!

 

Many witnesses who may have had information died mysteriously.....Coincidence? I think not. There is a new Santa in town..Santa the serial killer..and he’ll be traveling with three "ho’s" named Ho, Ho and of course, Ho as accomplices …. so beware...he knows who’s been naughty or nice, leather and lace and this year when he comes down your chimney Christmas Eve...remember...this time … he’s armed and dangerous!

Chapter 3 - Psycho Santa the Serial Killer

 

Psycho Santa and the Serial Killer’s Time Machine!

 

One thing that all horrific unsolved historical killings have in common is the singular significant and overlooked forensic factor. A fear factor in fact that by admitting it rather than omitting it causes our psyche’s to short circuit faster than a tab of brown acid at Woodstock. The only person alive during each and every murder throughout time was Santa F. Claus!

 

I have found proof that cannot be disputed. Santa had a time machine sleigh to do his slaying. One minute he’s Dr. Jekyll Claus, passing out candy canes and visions of sugar plums to impressionable children while breaking and entering through soot filled chimneys. The next, after a stop at his meth lab, he’s the psychotic Mr. Hyde seeking helpless victims with a veritable variety of heinous weapons from a terror filled toy box!

 

Time machine sleigh? You scoff! You deride? You disbelieve? How else could he possibly circle the globe to drop off toys to every child on planet Earth and leave a trail of DOA in his wake as he zooms through history. That’s right...A Time Machine! What better cover than a jolly old elf in a bright red suit to lure his victims to a holiday demise. Look what John Wayne Gacy did in a clown costume. Rigoletto on a rampage! As for the eight tiny reindeer, feed them narcotics and they will fly believe me! Been there done that myself.

 

Santa, according to meticulous records kept at the North Pole Fortress of Solitude, was also responsible for shooting down Amelia Earhart’s plane. Seems she was actually flying over Santa’s workshop airspace at the Pole. She saw the signs that said North Pole, and mistakenly thought she must be in Northern Poland home Northern Poles, so she continued her journey deeper into restricted territory. Santa scrambled his stealth reindeer anti ballistic sleighs to intercept - all locked onto target and they fired. Later the wreckage was moved to a Japanese held island and blamed on the Japanese just as we blamed them for Godzilla and raw fish.

 

Take the assassination of president Lincoln! We are taught in our elementary history books that J. W. Booth shot him, but later to pay the toll at the Toll Booth. Our American Cousin has begun on the stage at the Ford Theater (Notice too..Ford is a car brand, as is a Lincoln, in fact Ford makes Lincolns. Make sense? or Cents? One Cent..a Lincoln penny for your thoughts?) It was actually Santa who did the deed. Lincoln reportedly told Virginia, yes, there is a Santa Claus and was about to release his secret identity breaking the Presidential oath of Omerto. A contract was put out on him by John “Jingles” Gotti. Santa sneaks into the presidential box and whacks the guy. He then leaps to the stage, drops his candy cane and someone in the audience shouts out..."Leave the candy canes, take the fruitcakes!!" Lincoln is gone....in his wake he left us taxes, the draft, the rise of the Ku Klux Klan, the Indian Wars and a penny that ain't worth a plug nickle...freedom? All relative..but damn...he was Lincoln..the Man, the Car and the Tunnel!!!

 

Santa also roamed the hills of Hollywood causing murder and mayhem. The Black Dahlia is one of Hollywood’s most bizarre and infamous murders along with the assasination of mobster Bugsy Siegel. Both unsolved to this day, both committed by Psycho Santa!

 

The most infamous of all Santa slayings has to be The Ripper Killings. Some claim it was a member of the Royal Pain in the Ass Family who did the nefrious deeds, while still others say it was a skilled surgeon with a scalpel with a hatred of soiled doves...OK, hookers. New facts have emerged showing that Santa was rolled one night in the East End of London while on his toybag rounds and three hookers turned him down for sex. He said he knew who was naughty or nice and had a list and would turn them all into Scotland Yard if they didn’t comply with his sexual desire to have them pose as reindeer hitched to his sleigh while they were to be mounted by Donder and Blitzen. All went well until Rudolp stuck his electric nose in one of them and gave them a red glow and a shock as he short circuited while going up their chimney!! Santa, now enraged began a campaign of murder and soon on the prostitute laden streets of foggy London Town...not a creature was stirring...not even a mouse.

 

Psycho Santa was a deranged demented demon. He was devil but did not wear Prada...he wore a red suit and an Edmund Gwinn beard. One other thing...as he whacked each victim he is known to have said to them as they took thier last breath...It WAS a wonderful life...Merry Christmas to all...you died by my knife!

Chapter 4 - Christmas Board Games

 

Christmas Board Games & Your Sex Life 

 

Look at it this way...does your sex life feel like a game of “Battleship” or does it end up being more like the game “Sorry?” Most guys think of themselves as battleships, aircraft carriers and nuclear submarines and can sink the Bismark but when the performance is over...she may look at the whole affair as nothing more than “Trivial Pursuit!”

 

Maybe you have Zebulon Pike delusions of reaching the sexual orgasmic summit of Candyland. The game requires no reading and minimal counting skills, and best of all, there is no strategy involved. Most guys feel they can conquer Gumdrop Mountain and thaw out Queen Frostine, but instead end up as Sponge Bob lost in the Molasses Swamp.

 

In the sexual frontier of the game of “Clue” most men feel they are as wily and virile as Col, Mustard but soon misjudge their prowess and realize, maybe they can’t cut the mustard anymore as he discovers he can’t even find his knife in the ballroom while Ms. Scarlet reflects that he can’t hold a candlestick to Professor Plum’s lead pipe!

 

Monopoly is a real ball buster of the male ego. The Male views himself as a mansion on Boardwalk, but ends up being a Rescue Mission on Baltic Avenue. Worse yet, he sometimes can’t pass GO to collect..or in sexual parlance, make a deposit, but nonetheless is willing to take a “Chance” and hopes to hell he doesn’t end up tied to a railroad track in a failed attempt to enjoy the fruits of his female partners Community Chest!

 

Toys and sex also play a factor in the libido quest for gratification, He may picture himself as a manly macho GI Joe action figure with a virile Slinky, but Betsy Wetsy who by the very name is ready for action is disappointed when his performance is more Silly Putty in nature.

 

The male of the species takes special pride from self inflated egos in being as stiff and firm as a Lincoln Log, but in the end, (no pun intended, unless you feel “pun”ished) he may only be a stack of plastic Legos.

 

Most men also take special pride in their Erector Sets but fail miserably and turn out to be stack of playing cards falling apart at the last minute. His action figure self image degenerates into a fine portrayal of Mr. Potato Head.

 

Electric trains entering tunnels is very Fellini and most boys until they are men don’t realize the sexual ramifications of an engine cannonballing into a dark hole, whistle blowing and smoke rising..if that ain’t two track orgasm I don’t know what is. The manly man views himself as a human dildo but in the long run she regards him as a slot car in last place.

 

So, men...man up….face reality...you’re not really a doctor when you play “Operation” but thankfully there is Twister and Strip Poker..and if you play strip poker...remember this at all