The Christmas Bordello by Mike Marino (book club books txt) 📕

Chapter 13 - Creepy Christmas Toys

 

Merry Creepy Christmas Toys

 

Move over Barbie….your pink dollhouse has been condemned. It’s being replaced this year by a whole new doll babe in the toy ‘hood….Barbie De Sade and her Playhouse Dungeon! Mom’s….you may want to think twice about this perverse present unless you have prior experience with whips and cuffs. You know, that blind date with the inbred cousin of your first girl on girl crush!

 

Then there is the Pee Wee Herman Pussycat Theater Dollhouse with a motion activated Pee Wee Doll with authentic hand movements that will fool even the perverted Ken doll sitting erect next to him! Talk about doing that crazy hand jive!!! The perfect gift for that never been married neighbor man down the street who names all his pet cats after porn queens of the silver screen! (Playset come with two films, “Lolita Loves Your Lollipop” and “Catholic School Girls Do the Vatican” where they must choose - Puberty or Piety? In the end..so to speak….they get their cherry popped by the pope! (extra porn films sold separately including the critically acclaimed but banned“101 Dalmatians: Canine Rape Gang Attacks the Humane Society During Pet Adoption Week”

 

For the little child who spends a lot of time still sleeping with mama even though he is 14, why not give the little psycho tyke a treat with his own bag of toy serial killers. He’ll delight clowning around with the John Wayne Gacy Killer Klowns or the Jeffrey Dahmer Bake and Shake Oven with Menu. Comes complete with an electric drill and a psychosis!

 

Had enough of politics for this lifetime? Then get yourself a set of Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Killery-Trump Robots. Comes with a “Feel the Bern” Bernie Sanders Burnout Referee who will declare who ever scares him the most ….the winna!!! Love Political Horror Films? Then you’ll want to order a special edition Jill “Franken” Stein Collection of “I Was Hillary’s Love Slave” where Jill goes down for the count….and the recount.

 

Board games are always fun! This years fave is Charlie Sheen and Kanye’s “Mental Breakdown Trivial Pursuit” Freak out your friends when you draw the special Rant Your Ass Off Card and babble incoherently for hours then walk out of the room mid game and come back with your very own Phil Spector Pistol set and dare anyone to leave the game!

 

You can also play Lady Di Celebrity Paris Escape: The European Cocaine Edition or the Mother Teresa Leper Colony Candyland Game where you make it atop the Big Rock Candy Mountain or your opponent can send you to debilitating death in a village of disease. More fun than last year’s “Cancer Ward!”

 

Make it a Merry Creepy Christmas and stuff some trauma in a person’s stocking.

 

 

Chapter 14 - Pop Culture Christmas

 

Pop Culture Christmas

 

Buying a present for Superman isn’t as easy you think. He’s already got X-Ray vision to grab a sneak peek in the Victoria’s Secrets dressing rooms. Now that’s a super power I’d like to have! OK, so maybe a new cape from the Caped Crusaders Big and Tall Men’s Shoppe, the Mens Warehouse of Super Garb for comic book crime fighters. I guarantee it! Plus if he’s been a bad superboy this year...leave a 5 pound chunk of Kristmas Kryptonite in his leotards!

 

Many male super heroes like to wear form fitting tights to show off muscle mass not to mention that tell tale ballet bulge that makes people yell with excitement...Look Up in the sky...It’s a bird….it’s a plane….it’s Genital Man! Yep, Supe showing off once again as he does a fly by with his rudder showing looking for Lois Lane’s tail wind….

 

Batman is another story altogether. He shops for leather, leather and more leather and gets his jolly’s perusing the Marquis de Sade Boy Wonder Emporium. Cape and mask sold separately. Oh, the mask...come with some sort of animal ears. To make his Christmas rock...make sure to give him a basket of gingerbread cookies in the shape of bats so he can pretend he’s Ozzy Osbourne with milk, cookies and cocaine.

 

Betty Boop is always a joy to buy for. Black frilly short skirt with a false eyelash makeover kit and a riding crop to stuff in her boop boop de boop. Throw in an evening she can spend drunk in a sleazy motel with Jessica Rabbit and hot damn...Lesbi-toon heaven.

 

Who can forget Uncle Keith Richards...Santa’s favorite doper. Make Keith merry this season with a custom hypodermic needle kit. You can pick one up off the lawn in Tompkins Square Park in New York City on any given Saturday night. Talk about a Christmas rush….it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

 

Christmas with the Clintons? How about a copy of the Anarchists Cookbook or the complete special edition DVD collection of ‘Murder She Wrote’ the memoirs of Hillary, the golden years. You can also pick up a copy of Election Results for Dummies. Comes with a set of numbered ballots she can count over and over again at no cost to taxpayers.

 

POTUS Trump? How about an autographed copy of ‘Mein Kampf’ direct from Argentina. The ‘How To’ book that put Auschwitz on the map. Special foreword written by David Duke and the Ku Klux Klowns.

 

Bernie Sanders...Remember him. Well, he’s now playing Santa Claus at Macy’s in New York. He was found wasting away on Skid Row passing around a bottle of Russian vodka saying he was Nikolai Lenin, one of the Beatles! He was dazed and confused so to speak humming Back in the USSR during dinner at the Salvation Army.

 

Don’t forget Paul McCartney...he needs a new set of Wings!

Chapter 15 - Christmas on Acid

 

 

Christmas on Acid

 

Christmas on acid...the tree alone is a real green needle Druid and loaded with those classic bubble lights and Fillmore light show blinking fiber optics turning your living room into a Karma filled kama sutra beaded curtain incense filled harem of holiday cheer with the turntable spinning with the Seeds ‘Pushing too Hard’ to create a blue moody Moody Blue’s Magoo version of Johnny Mathis singing ‘Hey, Joe’ you’ll shoot your eye out kid, with that gun in your hand. Soon the stockings hung with care begin to stare back at you and the toys begin to talk in tongues and Alice appears in her Wonderland Wonder Bra with her designer Cheshire Cat thong running screaming “I’m late...I’m late .. I missed my period and got pregnant on a date!”

 

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus…. And he has a gift for you...How old are you anyway? You look 18!

 

‘Twas the night before Christmas in Haight Ashbury and all through the house Hallucinating acid heads were trying to smoke a mouse! All the NARCS were awake...all the stoners were sleepy. Junkies were whacked out and crashpad creepy. The runaways were hooking with lesbians dyking While down the street Hells Angels were biking and addicts were spiking.

 

Now...picture yourself on the Spare Change streets of the Lava Lamp Sixties, or even on a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies...either way, you get the idea. It’s the Alice in Wonderland Super Bong of holiday hallucinations without Jimmy Stewart yelling at Mr. Potter or even Harry Potter trying to convince them that ‘It’s a wonderful life.’

 

Haight Street wasn’t ready for any Miracles on 34th Street. It was instead Jimi Hendrix as Santa Claus and Janis Joplin as his old lady with Cheech and Chong appearing in a cloud of too much to dream last night smoke on the Christmas water as two way out far out elves helping Hendrix Claus waa waa a big ass bag of bongs, pipes, and rolling papers. They were experienced!

 

Rudolph just completed a drug rehab program at the free clinic while Timothy Leary helped guide the Merry Prankster bus sleigh just a little bit ‘Further’ over the cuckoo’s nest..

 

On Stoner On Doper On Dimebag On Bomber On Hash pipe And Nixon? (It rhymed with ‘Vixen’) On Cocaine On Acid and, of course, Rudolph the Pink Floyd Reindeer

 

Won’t you guide the sleigh tonite with your goddamned pupils so big and bright! On the 12th Day of Christmas my connection sent to me:

 

12 Hookahs Smoking 11 Dealers Dealing 10 Loaded Hashpipes 9 Bob Marley Records 8 Packs of Zig Zags 7 Acid Flashbacks 6 Hallucinations 5 Bags of Weed. 4 Lava lamps 3 Monster Bongs 2 Bail Bondsmen and a Alice B. Toklas Cook Book!

Chapter 16 - Merry Sexmas

 

Have Yourself a Merry Sexmas Christmas!

 

Yep,Sex & Christmas go together like a leather thong and a pair of handcuffs. Time to stuff someone’s stocking with a little Christmas Sexmas! The holidays are just around the corner and times have changed. It's a sexual universe we dwell in now and Christmas should reflect this trend in increased sexuality. All those little holiday nuances like decorating the tree, Christmas carols and stockings hanging by the fire with care need a drastic overhaul. So my children settle back and sit on Santa's lap...just be careful not to excite him while you’re wiggling around giving Santa a lap dance as it may excite his North Pole and melt his ice pack!

 

It’s hard to always find the perfect gift for someone, but you’ll never go wrong if you unwrap that libido and let their bells jingle all the way! Gift certificates are always a crowd pleaser. Forget Macy’s this year. Score