The Christmas Bordello by Mike Marino (book club books txt) 📕

Peoria a husband woke up and beat him silly with a large candy cane. “I caught the fucker red handed sniffing underwear and came unglued. I have a license to carry a loaded candy cane so used it to protect my family!”

 

Two of Santa’s elfen helpers, Sleazy and Spacey have also been accused of placing children on Santa’s lap in an obscene position at Macy’s while he jiggles like a bowl full of jello. He’s also been tied into a porn group known as the Sugar Plum Fairies who recruit fans of the Village People at leather bars across the country who are the stockings Santa likes to stuff by the chimney with care.

 

One of Santa’s female elf co-workers was called into his office one day only to find him completely naked except for his big red bag which he kept referring to as Moby Dick, masturbating and yelling out at the crucial climax…”THAR SHE BLOWS!” In a written statement by the victim she stated, ‘I was afraid of him. His power, his money, and I didn’t want to lose my job as I have five crack addicted children by different husbands to care for this holiday season adn figured if I was naughty and not nice for Santa he’d bring me my Gilbert Chemistry Meth Lab Kit... besides I never saw a toy bag that big before. Once you’ve had sex with Santa...you’ll never do a reindeer again, except maybe Blitzen real who is a real Laplander stud. Rudolph is OK too if you don’t mind the glowing red nose routine, my neighbors see that and they think it’s a whore house in the red light toy district.”

 

Corey Feldman, the Lost Boy of L.A, in a written statement says, “The sonofabitch gave me a Kevin Spacey Model Pee Wee Herman Action Figure one year for Christmas and all it did was play with itself when Haim came into the room! I guess I was jealous more than anything else. It was my toy and it should have responded to my voice!” In a related, yet non sexual problem facing the Big Claus is newly discovered information that he has secretly been meeting with Kim Il-Sung, current rocket man president of North Korea, who was born in Suc Muk Dik, North Korea in the province of Long Wang. Santa has been supplying Kim against U.N sanctions, with enough nuclear material to speed up No. Korea’s nuclear program.

 

Although claims of having an ICBM capable of reaching the East Coast of the US are suspect, Santa has agreed that in the event of an attack by the US on N. Korea he will load his sleigh with enough nuclear warheads himself to invade and bombs away the Beltway. President Trump recently escalated his war of words by referring to Santa as “that fat fuck.”

 

Melania coming to Santa’s defense said, “When little goil in Slovenia Santa would leave me 50 dollars, US on the bed table. He told me it was for being nicely naughty. I no understand North Pole English so I nod and take shower with moose and squirrel”

 

Christmas 2017...Santa’s got a brand new bag, no not Hillary, and he has been fired. Christmas is still a few weeks off so there is time to salvage the season….Matt Lauer has already applied for the job...this is Today...on NBC. Now if he brings Savannah Gutherie with him, she can abuse me anytime...all I want for Christmas is my Meghan Markle blow up doll!

Chapter 8 - J. Edgar Hoover Christmas Doll

 

 

J. Edgar Hoover Christmas Doll

 

He’s Here Again! Years in the making…. He knows who’s naughty or nice. He knows if you’re sleeping in somebody’s bed, he even knows if you’re a dirty Red! Direct from the Mike Marino Toy Factory in Washington, AC/DC we are proud to present the perfect fishnet stocking stuffer collection of J. Edgar Hoover Barbies in the Deluxe Glen or Glenda Playset and home decor!

 

In addition to the J. Edgar Barbie Dolls, who (let’s see a show of hands!) hasn’t wanted a J. Edgar Hoover Inflatable Sex Doll all their own. Half of the guys in the Justice Department have one already, now you too can blow up the big guy with his playfully placed valve that is the unique design of the entire Fellatio Bureau of Investigation. Don’t blow this opportunity….J. Edgar Only Knocks Once, shoots and asks questions later.

Enhance your landscaping with a delightful Virgin Mary Hoover Madonna Lawn Statue with his own set of lawn balls. Their not very big balls, but make great jockstrap stocking stuffers for the trolling male hustler that stalks the neighborhood exposing himself.

 

Want action, the kids will get off on the official The J. Edgar Action Figure. Comes complete with recording equipment, a Gilbert Chemistry & Wiretap equipment (warrants sold separately) as well as the Martin Luther King and JFK action figures sold separately when you purchase the deluxe Martin Luther King/JFK Assassination Play Kit that comes complete with a Book Depository Dealey Plaza Erector Set and the Memphis Motel Lincoln Log signature set. Just for the hell of it you can add the Barbie Kennedy Doll that talks and takes a bullet in the hotel kitchen playset when you pull his string and he says, “Now, on to Chicago!”

 

The J. Edgar Pez Dispenser recently advertised in “Boys Life” magazine just screams OPEN WIDE! It holds 20 Pez tablets or ten .45 caliber bullets. Ideal to pack in your kids lunch box. Imagine the frenzy and fun in the lunchroom when your kid on Prozac yells…”INCOMING!” Fires up to 40 feet accurately.

 

The J. Edgar Hoover Take It Like A Man Dildo, batteries not included, have J. Edgars face on the head ready for your walk on the wild side with the Sugar Punk Fairy. Head for Head, this is hands down the ultimate electronic sex toy for men and women. Hint: It prefers men or old Queens.

 

New this season, Holiday Mistletoe patches for the seat of your pants. Now you too can be like J. Edgar. This holiday season say it with a patch...Kiss my Ass!

 

Don’t forget the optional J. Edgar Hoover Pink Prison Doll House where you can secure the Rosenberg bobble heads and the Abbie Hoffman talking yippee doll. The J. Edgar Doll comes with a variety of accessorized ladies wear designed by Victor Victoria's Secrets and Pink Police Car. Order yours today...and remember...J. Edgar knew who was naughty and who was nice......!!!

Chapter 9 - The First Thanksgiving

 

 

The First Thanksgiving

 

Forget the friendly Pilgrims and helpful Native American “let’s bag a turkey and eat popcorn bullshit” we had crammed down our scholastic throats like so much stale fruitcake from last year’s transvestite ball. The truth is far more disturbing than you can imagine. It was more of a Michigan - Ohio State football game rivalry. The stakes were high for each touchdown in the Plymouth Bowl. When the visiting Jolly Olde England Pilgrims scored a touchdown, ten members of the Native American Wampanoags home team came down with syphilis and had to benched. When the Wampy’s scored, ten Pilgrims were roasted alive or as they called it Pole Dancing in a Johnny Cash Ring of Fire.

 

Coach Miles Standish of the Pilgrim Patriots had a good season up until the bowl game. Tickets were sold out...spirits on both teams were high...then..tragedy struck. Assistant Defensive Coach, Sir Charlie Rose Weinstein Spacey was accused of sexual harassment by a young native woman, Pocahontas who was only 14 at the time when he picked her up at the Jamestown Mall and groped her in the wigwam region.

 

“He told me he could make a star out of me and I was intimidated by his,power. I always wanted to do Kabuki theater at the Mayflower Casino, but I wasn’t Japanese. Charlie told me he could fix that by getting me an experimental operation in Denmark.”

 

Security was tight on game day. There had been threats by various terrorist groups that someone may drive a horse and buggy at high speed through the crowd tailgating outside in the stadium parking lot. Or worse, a rain of pellets from a crazed fully automatic musket owner who kept his powder dry at all times. The biggest threat came from the Pyong Yang Ping Pong Gang who we now know had developed an arsenal of deadly North Korean catapults capable of launching huge boulders that would completely devastate Plymouth Rock! (See? North Korea is older than you think!)

 

The other issues affecting gameday was the ongoing feud between the football league and Colonial Governor Sir Angus Trumpgrump over the fact that numerous Native American Players would take a knee during the tuba solos that began each game. By taking a knee I mean they would actually use a tomahawk and remove the kneecap of one of their opponents. (They also are blamed for “scalping” more than tickets!)

 

Counter protesters would show up in force including white supremacists from the Anglican Nation and the John Alden Society, a branch of the Kula, Klan and Ollie faction.

 

Threats also came from overseas by religious terrorists vowing to get even for the Crusades, but they hadn’t discovered how to travel over the ocean yet to carry out any meaningful death and injuries on North American soil and besides our Viking Navy Seal Coast Guards were ever vigilant.

 

Once the bowl game was over, it was time for both teams and fans to sit down to a shared feast of roasted penguin with puffin dressing, magic mushrooms and for dessert a mug of hard cider and peyote ala mode. One un-groped sexually harassed politically correct virgin was always selected for the official sacrifice by the Marquis de Spacey for the big Lebowski-Lewinski bonfire circle jerk kickoff.

It was that or watch football all day long, but they forgot to invent television.

 

Now you know the truth behind Thanksgiving...and why the Penguin should be our national bird!

Chapter 10 - Catholic Barbie Dolls