The Christmas Bordello by Mike Marino (book club books txt) 📕

Jesus and Mary Barbie Dolls by Mattel As for Barbies traditional size 5 figure that looks hot in a bikini, well now we have the Ashley Graham full figure Barbie doll. I personally find Ashley sexy as hell so an Ashley doll makes sense. I’m waiting for the inflatable version that comes with a bottle of wine, soft candlelight and a porn flick.

Our undercover agents broke into Mattel’s Research Center….learned that trick during Watergate, which is when I bought my first G. Gordon Liddy Ken Doll. Comes complete with a prison record. Plumbers tools sold separately along with a Pardon for the President Nixon Doll.

White Trash Barbie and Meth Head Ken have been around for some time and can be found complete with the White Trash Barbie Pink Double Wide Playhouse with accessories including a pickup truck on blocks for the front yard, washer and dryer for the front porch, a banjo, Ken’s pregnant sister from that time he caught her in the barn alone, and 3 additional pit bulls to guard the Gilbert microscope and meth lab.

Not to be left out is the all new ME TOO Barbie that claims the Harvey Weinstein Ken Doll exposed himself 10 years ago. If you remove Ken’s pants by the way...you’ll find he has no apparatus to expose! As for ME TOO Barbie yelling rape...remove her pants and voila...no point of entry can be found! Neither doll is equipped to screw.

Who says guys don’t play with dolls? The Kevin Spacey Barbie Doll is proof that they do! Watch Ken run like hell when his crotchless groin is groped. Watch the surprised look on the Spacey doll when it comes up empty handed!

Black Lives Matter Dolls can also be found on the toy store shelves right across the aisle from the White Supremacist Nazi Dolls. They try to keep them apart to avoid any confrontation. No motor vehicles allowed! General Robert E Lee Statue model kits sold separately in the collectors Stars and Bars Anniversary Kit this Christmas. Stuff their stockings with a little bit of history from Uncle Tom’s Slave Cabin to Mein Kampf Action Figures.

The Catholic will be in high mass heaven with the 2018 Virgin Mary Barbie Doll and the all new Jesus Ken Doll. Performs miracles simply by squeezing his head. The kids will have fun and learn too when you buy the Immaculate Conception Action Kit. See the glee on their little faces when Mary pops out a baby in a barn...farm set sold separately. As your child grows older you can upgrade to the Crucifixion Play Set!

Have a Merry Christmas...or should I say a Mary Barbie Christmas...

Early Morning Ramble

Sitting up in the dark quiet morning as I am right now staring at the Picasso-like juxtaposed marvel of an adorned Christmas tree with the jumbled tangle of lights and a visual cacophony (if such a thing can exist as a visual cacophony itself, stealing the audible thunder from it’s meaning.)

Ornaments affixed with tiny hooks, the precautionary measure to providing them safety from falling from their temporary holiday season evergreen (plastic substance of some sort now has replaced Norman Rockwell’s ideal mid-century merry Blue Spruce monolith as well as the Griswold Family Christmas Tree that can electrocute a cat in under 10 seconds flat.

I see the Christmas tree in front of me as a skid row mission, offering shelter for homeless ornaments who for 11 months out of the year, spend endless days and cold nights in a storage box under a freeway overpass. My regular decor….bobble heads, toy robots and Jerry Garcia infused stimuli ignore the ornaments when at last they emerge from Ornament Rehab for Christmas with a holier than thou attitude hogging attention, a free mission meal and a little town of Bethlehem rosary while the mission dispenses gruel and God in equal measure.

I’m staring into the tree now...past it’s shimmering glitz….past the past and secular Santa’s….and the Ghosts of Dickens with General Patton filling in for Marley’s prey.

Christmas is meant for cheer…hell, it’s the Dallas Cheerleader of all holidays. To some, however, the tree itself, the Christmas carols, and 24 hours of cable “Christmas Story” is enough to chamber a bullet and shoot your own eye it. It’s also the season of suicide hotlines, ambulance sirens racing to the rescue of someone who prefers to be not disturbed. Look past the glimmer of bubble lights, a joyful and wondrous invention, and the tree is dark beyond the front layer of Liberace lights. Peer deep enough and you can see a dark forbidding alley strewn with empty bottles of cheap booze , and the bubble lights are now replaced by syringes and needles. The junkie will cook his lovin’ spoonful with hurried, yet meticulous care, as much care as is given to the basted beast sitting in it’s own Auschwitz oven filled with dressing without the Zyklon B garnish.

As the years travel by at ever increasing speed, family and friends have taken a number while standing in life’s line. “Next!” calls out the cubicle bound attendant. Death takes a number….depression begins to weigh in...it’s a prize fight...in this corner ….the coroner!

Joyeux Noel replaced by mental and physical pain so fierce at times suicide happens….Imagine ….the Suicide Season at the mall. “I’d like to see something in this season’s suicider fashion… None of that off the rack Sears crap either...and I’d like it gift wrapped please. Just charge it, thank you.

Depression is rampant at Christmas. Health problems job loss, loss of a family member, cancer…. A myriad of mental mayhem at play. So remember … suicide season is upon us..like a midnight clear….here comes the night ….so make sure those bubble lights are on ….share the warmth of spirit...lend a helping hand….fill the room with song….and hope...grab the mistletoe and hide the Smith and Wesson...lest we forget….it’s Christmas...make it a merry one.

Reach out to someone who needs you...and remember ..Suicide is not painless!

Christmas Movie Madness: Christmas DOA!

Christmas, a real damned Andy Williams Captain Piccard let it snow make it so time of year of the same warm and fuzzy films of peace on Earth, and radio stations that assault our secular arses with Johnny Mathis jingling all the way in a one horse open sleigh with bells ringing are you listening?

Move over Little Drummer Boy unless your name is Ginger Baker. The Mike Marino Forensic Fun Films, Inc. is pleased to announce some positively Un-Hallmark Movie Moments adding realism to your mental eggnog this charge card season of schmaltz and mistletoe and suicide and toys for tots.

The all new updated “Miracle on 34th Street & Pennsylvania Ave” where Jill Stein assumes the Natalie Wood child in disbelief roll this time around. In this version, young Jill believes in Santa, but can’t believe Donald “Scrooge” Trump is her new president. “I want a recount,” she cries to her smother mother played by Hillary Clinton. Finally in court a bag full of ballots are emptied on a judges desk confirming that “Yes Virginia, there is a Santa and according to the recount, Trump is your president”

On the way home from court in New York City, they pass a large mental institution. “Stop the car,” she falsetto’d….he promised me a room and here it is!!!” The big scene of the film is the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade where Kim Kardasians real ass blows up causing wide spread (no pun intended) throughout the parade route.

What would the holly jolly film season be without Ralphie shooting his eye out? OD’d on Darren McGavin’s major award? Then this year it’s The Amityville Christmas Story where this time Ralphie blows a fuse and after wiping out the family on a triple dog dare he goes to a Chinese restaurant dressed as a giant pink Easter Bunny carrying a fully automatic weapon all because of a bad version of Fa Ra Ra! “Oh, Little Town of Washington” is new production where Joseph and Mary portrayed by Bill and Hillary Clinton arrive in Washington but find there is no room at the White House so grab a spot in an alley off the Beltway where they await the birth of their little baby, Jesus portrayed by Bernie Sanders who is soon visited by three wise politicians, an oxymoron in and of itself. They are also visited by three wise kings from the Middle East who are turned away as King Herrod Trump declares them Guantanamo material.

Other new releases include the entire Manson Family Reunion cast in “It Came Upon Midnight Unclear” Murder and Mistletoe do not mix!!

There is more slapstick fun this season in the remake of the Bing Crosby classic of “White Christmas. In our version “White Christmas Lives Matter” a riotous romp of rioting and racism where an African American family are evicted from the White House and as a result BLM meets the Ku Klux Klan in a David Duke-Al Sharpton remake of “Westside Story” Also starring the Three Stooges who use the “N” word freely..so if Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk is found offensive stay home glued to your yoga mat watching reruns of Victory at Standing Rock while listening to the Venture’s surf album version of “Pipeline!”

Drama? Tune into the Snowden-Assange version of “Silent Night, Holy Shit’ where silence is golden a plumber has to be called in to plug the wikileaks and other secrets. There is a touch of Dicken’s hidden in this experimental film where Hillary Clinton as Screwed Scrooge is visited by the Ghost of Vince Foster and Vlad the Putz Pitin in a tuxedo is puttin’ on the Ritz in a Mel Brooks inspired dance number.

“Home Alone Four” starring Jimmy Hoffa and “I Saw Monica Kissing Santa Claus Under the Beltway Mistletoe Beltbuckle” with Deep Throat Lewinsky is a must see this “on your knees season to be jolly.”

This Season….don’t make it Hallmark...make it Christmas DOA...Santa’s got a brand new bag this year.