The Christmas Bordello by Mike Marino (book club books txt) 📕

Chapter 1 - Extreme Dickens  - Page 4

Chapter 2 - The Day Santa Got Whacked - Page 9

Chapter 3 - Psycho Santa the Serial Killer - Page 14

Chapter 4 - Chistmas Board Games - Page 18

Chapter 5 - The Ghost of Christmas Past - Page 21

Chapter 6 - Ru Paul Rudolph - Page 26

Chapter 7 - Santa's Sexual Harassment Bag Page 29

Chapter 8 - J. Edgar Hoover Christmas Doll - Page 34

Chapter 9 - The First Thanksgiving - Page 38

Chapter 10 - Catholic Barbie Dolls - Page 41

Chapter 11 - Bubble Light Ramble - Page 44

Chapter 12 - Christmas D.O.A. Film Noir - Page 48

Chapter 13 - Creepy Christmas Toys - Page 52

Chapter 14 - Pop Culture Christmas - Page 55

Chapter 15 - Christmas on Acid  - Page 58 

Chapter 16 - Merry Sexmas - Page 61

Extreme Dickens 

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” It is also the wrong opening hook of the wrong Dickens novel to be quoting from during this or any holiday season.

“A Christmas Carol” by C. Dickens has been and always will be a classic holiday tale since it first emerged from the pen and literary placenta of the 19th Century. Ebeneezer Scrooge, Tiny Tim, and three go! go! ghosts have blazed their merry ass trail into the collective Christmas cranium for generations past, generations present and generations to come. My Gen, your gen, gen’s on the holiday horizons...it just won’t go away!

Many adroit adaptations have graced live theater and blazed brightly in the silver screen. They have been linguistically performed in just about every language spoken on this blue orb of Babel. The films have been a showcase for E. Scrooge for everyone from Henry Winkler to George C. Scott. But...what if Dickens were alive today...and produced his own version for the TNT network...ladies and gentlemen I give you Extreme Dickens..and Robert Osbourne.

“This is Robert Osbourne for TNT classic movies.Tonights feature presentation is a new spin on an old classic. A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. In this updated somewhat ribald version we have Al Pacino starring as Ebeneezer “Scarface” Scrooge, a feared Cuban drug dealer with a penchant for red leisure suits who directs a world wide drug operation and invites us the viewers to say hello to his little friends...the Elvis Elf Cartel. This time at Christmas when it snows it blows and goes up the nose! His arch rival is Snow White played by Tim Curry as Kim Kardashian who runs a group known simply as the Magnificent Seven bi-sexual Dwarves. The version has made other changes in keeping with the spirit of Americana. 18th century England with a bunch of Cockney accents has immagrated and Scrooge now operates out of a broken down ranch in the small town of Tony, Montana.

Scarface Scrooge works his minions hard even on Christmas Eve so that night while sleeping in his compound, his former partner, Marley, no, not Jacob, but Bob Marley visits him...Marley is dead and is a reggae ghost now and is played by former white as white can be Senator Strom Thurmond who was cast perfectly in the role as he is dead now too, and even when alive he looked dead so heads or tails, he was dead on perfect for the role..he was useless in Congress after all. Scrooge who certainly lacks anything resembling the C-Mas spirit is told by marley, “Hey Mon, tonight you will be visited by three little pigs...or three bears maybe..or three ghosts...I can’t remember which.” To which Pacino-Scrooge replies….”Fredo, I love you like a brother, but if you ever go against the family again…”

The ghosts by the way are the ghost of Christmas Past played by Christopher Walken, the ghost of Christmas present portrayed by Steve Buscemi and the Ghost of Christmas Future is played to perfection by Gary Busey. Together they are The Three Reservoir Dogs of Dickensonia!

Along the journey into the fast paced pinball world of fast forward, reverse and neutral that evening, Scrooge encounters Sugar Plum Fairies brilliantly portrayed by the Ru Paul Drag Team where the colored girls do indeed take a walk on the wild side going do do do do do do...etc etc..and Pee Wee Herman grabs his rain coat as Little Joe who never once gave it away…everybody had to pay and pay.

In this Sam Peckinpah-esque cinematic romp we also encounter Santa Claus, portrayed by Mickey Rourke and also features Kim Bassinger as they reprise their 9 and a Half Weeks characterizations with cookies and milk, a favorite scene of the BDSM crowd when they run out of snuff films. Rumour has it Mickey underwent cosmetic surgery and played the role of Bassinger as well!

Bob Cratchit, played by Reefer Sutherland works as an accountant for Scarface Scrooge and cooks the company books and launders the money into legit business operations and offshore bank accounts...he also has a little cripple son...Tiny Tim played by Joe Pesci who has a game leg from an old bullet wound and a mouth like a sailor. So much for sympathy for the little tyke…”Do I amuse you? Funny How?” At this point Ray Liotta enters the scene for no apparent reason.

After Scarface has his nightly encounters he has a change of heart and his heart if filled with the Christmas Spirit. “I don’t mind the ghosts,” he mused, “but a wet dream would have been better!”

He leaps out of bed...puts on his holiday shoulder holster and greets passerby on the early morning Christmas streets. “Get the fuck out of my way you cock-a-roach!” Just then Rudolph the Commie Red reindeer appears guiding a red zeppelin with 8 tiny reindeer. An 8-track of Jimmy Page guitar solos blasting away with the holiday stairway to heaven holiday spirit.

He rushes to the Crachit household with a Christmas goose, and presents including a pair of fishnets for Mrs. Crachit.He also gives the oldest Crachit girl a box of tampons which she begins to hang on the chimney not having a clue as to what they are used for!

Laughter and good cheer prevail and as the story begins to end and hurries to fade to black...Tiny Tim Pesci looks quare into the camera and utters those immortal words.

“Fuck us all everyone!” I hope the little bastard breaks his other leg after a visit down the chimney from Jack Nicholson and the gang from The Departed!!!

The Day Santa Got Whacked

Who really pulled the trigger that wintry day? It’s hard for anyone who was alive that fateful December space in time to not know where they were, what they were doing and the impact of the day Santa Claus was assassinated while riding in a one horse open sleigh. The Secret Santa Service wanted him to borrow the St. Nicholas Pope Mobile with bullet proof bubble but Santa wanted to work the crowd that day as he rode through downtown North Pole unaware of what lay ahead as shots rang out, some say from the Nanook of the North Book Suppository Building by a sharpshooter armed with a modified official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle by alleged lone assassin, Lee “Ralphie” Oswald.

The whole event was captured in glorious black and white on 8mm home movie film by Tiny Tim Zapruder who at the time put his crutches aside and was sitting in a shopping scooter with basket while filming from a handicapped parking space at the nearby Walmart. The film is still as disturbing today as it was then when supposedly a single bullet did the most amazing ballet moves that would dazzle Barishnikov by going to and fro, back and forth, in and out, up and down, sideways and backwards as Tiny Tim screamed as shots rang out, “Duck and Cover, Everyone!”

Santa and Mrs. Claus, had already been to the New York City Macy’s Day Parade on Thanksgiving where there was an attempt by a giant Felix the Cat balloon to smother the jolly old elf but the attempt was deflated, so to speak by a Macy’s cashier. Following that appearance, Santa arrived for the Detroit parade where he was sleigh jacked and during the fracas ended up in Henry Ford Hospital emergency room from gunshot wounds sustained in the parade attack. But that day at the North Pole…..will forever haunt us….

Some speculate that Ralphie was a Christmas Story patsy for the CIA and the purposely set him up to take the fall. He was arrested originally for distributing disturbing literature for an organization know as Fair Play For Cubans Living in the Yukon. (When arrested he was told by arresting cops “You’ll shoot your eye out kid!”) He was reluctant at first to accept their offer until J Edgar Hoover met him in a changing room at Victoria’s Secret during orientation and issued the dreaded J. Edgar Triple Dog Dare.. At first it was merely a standard double-dog-dare. What else was there, but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.

Some witnesses on the scene that day say shots also rang out from the Grassy Polar Bear Knoll by an unknown accomplice. Conspiracy theorists speculate there were actually two shooters and the Grinch was the gunman in place to make sure Santa went down faster than a bowl of jell-o down a chimney lubricated with WD-40. There is so much written, produced, speculated, studied, that it is as blown as far out of proportion as a condom on a fat mans head. Lee “Ralpie” Oswald who was never actually convicted of the crime was himself killed in a police igloo station by Jack “Ruby Red Slippers” Frost owner of an Eskimo Strip, Laplander Lap Dance and North “Pole Dancing” Club. So how did he get into the back room of the igloo holding area with cops on either side of Ralphie? Ralphie then on live national TV is whacked by a pimp with a gun..or as Lenny Bruce described Jack “Ruby” Frost as "A Jewish Billy the Kid riding out of the west"

Strangely, the cops found Ralphie with in hours and knew to look in a movie theater where he was watching “Polar Express” and “Penguins” Let’s face it, cops today can