The Hardest Cut by Jamie Bennett (book club recommendations .TXT) 📕

“Are you sure?  You could stay.”

No, I couldn’t.  “I’ll see you Monday.”  My voice was already cracking.

“If you’re upset about Kayden—”

No, not Kayden.  I was upset about Ben, but mostly about me.  I had managed to do it again: I had fallen for the most inappropriate person in the world.  I’d fallen for my boss, a coach for the Woodsmen, and the man had been hurt and in a way that was unforgiveable, which I knew since I’d done it to someone else.  I’d fallen hard for Ben.

∞

“She’s doing it again.”

My head snapped up.  “No, I’m not!  Marley, take that back.”

She ignored me.  “Hallie,” Marley called loudly.  “She’s doing it again!”

Hallie’s face appeared through the old, beaded curtain that separated the back office from the bookstore’s main floor.  “Gaby?  She’s sighing?”

“I’m not!” I protested again.  “I was breathing deeply, that’s all.  Yoga breathing.”

Marley rolled her eyes.  “Bullsh—baloney.  What’s going on?  Please tell me.  I told you all about Cavin, didn’t I?”

She had.  She’d told me how he was an accomplished bread baker, how he liked to snowshoe, how scared he’d been of Gunnar but how they’d ended up getting along.  In fact, Cavin was her favorite topic, lately.  I didn’t even have to prod, she just went ahead and spilled every bean there was.

“There’s nothing to tell about me.  Nothing,” I repeated firmly, when she opened her mouth to argue.  I had spent the week flying under the radar to make sure that nothing was going on, both at Woodsmen Stadium for cheer practice and at Ben and Tessa’s house.  It had worked, mostly, because while we’d said goodbye to Nadira, I still hadn’t gotten cut.  And at Ben’s house, we were acting like cordial acquaintances, not people who had cuddled on his couch and almost…almost…

I couldn’t let myself think about it.

“There!  She sighed again!” Marley said triumphantly.  “You almost brought up a lung with that one.”

“I heard it too,” Gunnar agreed.

“Tell me more about Cavin,” I invited, in order to move off this very un-fun topic.  “Am I going to get to meet him tonight at your house?”

“Sure, if you don’t sigh yourself to death before then.”  Marley went off into a story about Cavin and something about his reaction to the salad bar in the cafeteria, which made Gunnar laugh.  They got into a conversation about how to increase Cavin’s interest in football as they restocked the kids’ books.  My attention drifted off again, so that when Hallie said my name, I almost fell of the stool in surprise.

“Sorry.  You’re back out in left field somewhere,” she said.  She pointed to the laptop, asleep on the counter next to me.  “Aren’t we going to work on this?”

She meant my real estate business, the one I’d been saying I was going to start for the last six months but for which I still hadn’t picked out a name.  “Ok.  Yes, thanks, let’s do that,” I said, trying to put a little enthusiasm into my voice, but not really getting there.

Hallie stared at me.  “Do you remember when the bookstore was going under and I was trying to keep it going?”

“Yes.  You were like a tornado, working all the time.  You barely stopped to sleep.”  I had been in awe of her energy and determination.

“Exactly.  Because I really wanted it to succeed.  I would have done just about anything to save my business.”  She looked at me, dark-auburn eyebrows raised.

I swallowed.  “I get what you’re saying.  You mean, why am I so lazy and stupid about working on my own stuff?  Why don’t I just buckle down and get it done?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying at all.  I’ve seen how hard you can work when you want something, because I’ve been watching you try to make the Woodsmen cheer squad.”  She tapped the computer with her index finger.  “I don’t think you really want to do this.  Is that right, Gaby?”  She waited and I didn’t know how to answer.  “Do you want to be a real estate agent anymore?” she asked.  “What do you really want to do?”

What I wanted sounded so dumb, I couldn’t say it to her.  Not to Hallie, who was so ambitious and hardworking and smart.  “What else am I going to do?” I questioned instead.  “Keep working part-time for you here at the bookstore?”

“Gaby, I’m serious.  If you could do anything, go any direction you wanted, what would you pick?  What do you picture for your life?”

I swallowed again.  “I guess…yes, I used to picture my life differently, not as a real estate agent.  I thought by now I’d be married, with a family.  That’s what I wanted, not my own business.  Isn’t that dumb?” I prompted her.  “Of course, when I met Shep, what I wanted changed.”

“Why?  Why did you change your goals for him?”

“Because I loved him!  And he was married to someone else, and he didn’t want more children.”  She waited, eyebrows up again.  “But I guess…”  I stopped, biting my lip.  “I guess I could have looked for someone who wanted those things, too.  Rather than staying with a guy who wasn’t actually available and who made me so unhappy.  I was so sad, most of the time that we were together.  Instead of enjoying what we had, I made myself miserable.”

“What you had was bullshit.  And you felt sad because you were sneaking around and constantly guilty, to the point that you were spontaneously crying all the time.”  She pushed the tissue box toward me now and I helped myself.  “Do you remember how he’d tell you to leave after you’d been together?  That made you feel cheap and used and awful.”

Yes, I remembered that quite well.  We’d snatch at half an hour of time together at some gross motel, and then when he’d hurried me out of the door afterwards, I’d felt almost like a…well, like a lady of the evening.  It had been terrible.  “I remember,” I said softly.

“You