Deep Legend by DeYtH Banger (funny books to read .TXT) 📕

see a clock on the wall, ticking.
MAN (V.O.)
Smells like balls.
A slight twitch in Riggan's neck.
MAN (V.O.)
We don't belong in this shithole.
A Skype call shatters the silence. Close on his back, we follow
Riggan as he walks over to the computer and answers the call.
On the computer screen appears Sam (21), in a pair of Levi's
and a Led Zeppelin T-shirt. She has simple and striking good
looks, with an edge in her voice and behind her eyes. She
stands in a Korean Deli among the flowers, talking to Riggan
through her iPhone.
1A

1A
The Korean Store owner (50) stands in the background screaming
at her the whole time.
RIGGAN
Sam, I can't--

(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

2.

SAM
Dad? What kind of-(Turning to Korean.)
SHUT UP!!!
(Back to screen.)
What kind of flowers did you say you
wanted?
RIGGAN
Alchemillas. Or something soothing that
smells nice. Listen I can’t-SAM
It all smells like fucking Kimchi!
RIGGAN
Then whatever looks nice. Anything but
roses. No roses.
KOREAN
Flowers don't need you touch! They need you
buy!!!
SAM
(Close into the screen.)
I hate this job.
And the Skype call is over. Riggan closes the laptop and leans
forward trying to regain his calm. His reflection appears in
the mirror, and for the first time we see his face. He has a
dark goatee and his hair looks strangely abundant. There is a
piece of paper on the mirror with the handwritten phrase “A
thing is a thing, not what it is said of that thing.”
ANNIE ON SPEAKERS
Riggan, they’re starting scene
five. We need you on stage.
Shit...

RIGGAN

Riggan throws on a sweater and stumbles into his slacks. He
hurries out...
2

INT. HALLWAYS - THEATER - CONTINUOUS

2

...through the narrow corridors of the theater. There is a lot
of activity as various workers and stage hands appear and
disappear carrying equipment and scenery. As Riggan descends the
stairs, a Stage Hand· passes by in the opposite direction.
STAGE HAND·
Mr. Thomson.
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14
Steve.

/

3.

RIGGAN

STAGE HAND·
It’s Daniel.
RIGGAN
(Already passed.)
Okay.
Riggan continues on until he arrives backstage. He runs into
Jake (42) his producer and friend.
JAKE
How’s it going, buddy.
RIGGAN
Great. It’d be even better if I
could get Ralph to stop acting like
he’s in an educational video for
syphilis...
The camera moves off of them and onto...
3

3

INT. STAGE - THEATER - CONTINUOUS

...the stage. Suddenly we are in the midst of an Americana style
kitchen.
Around the kitchen table sit Lesley (35), plain and no nonsense,
her simple hairstyle and makeup can't hide how attractive she
is. Laura (35), dark, exotic, the kind of woman who makes every
person she meets feel like she's seducing them. And Ralph (40),
slightly handsome, slightly balding, slightly invisible.
A half empty bottle of gin on the table, they drink from
highball glasses as they chat...
LESLEY
He loved me.
RALPH
Yeah. He loved her so much he tried
to kill her.
LAURA
He tried to kill you?
LESLEY
No. (A beat.) Okay, well, he did
beat me up one night. He dragged me
around the living room by my
ankles, yelling "I love you, I love
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

LESLEY (CONT'D)
you, bitch." What do you do with a
love like that?

10/29/14

/

4.

RALPH
How is that-- That is not love and you know
it. Why do you insist on calling it-LESLEY
You can say what you want, but I know what
it was.
RALPH
What about you, Nick? Does that sound like
love to you?
Riggan arrives at the table and sits.
RIGGAN
Sorry I’m late.
(Beat. In character.)
I'm the wrong person to ask. I didn't
know the man. I've only heard his name
mentioned in passing. You'd have to
know the particulars. But I think what
you're saying is that love is absolute.
RALPH
Yeah. The kind of love I'm talking about
is... The kind of love I'm talking about,
you don't try and kill people.
LESLEY
(Sadly.)
It was love, Mel. To Eddie, it was. I don't
care what anybody says. He was ready to die
for it.
RALPH
Ask her what he did after she left him.
LESLEY
He shot himself in the mouth. But he
screwed that up, too. Poor Ed.
RALPH
Poor Ed, my ass. The guy was dangerous.
LAURA
How'd he screw it up if he shot himself in
the mouth?
RALPH
(By the numbers.)
He used to carry this twenty-two. We lived
like fugitives those days. I never knew-(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

5.

RIGGAN
(Breaking character to direct.
Exasperated.)
Okay. Fugitives are on the run, Ralph. How
many times do I have to-- Fugitives are
scared. Give me more of that.
Ralph nods. He takes a breath and dives in once again...
RALPH
(The same but louder.)
We lived like fugitives those days...
Extremely frustrated, Riggan stares out into the auditorium.
From his POV we see Jake who is now sitting in the third row.
His head buried in his hands, tortured by Ralph’s performance.
Riggan turns back to Ralph.
RALPH (CONT'D)
...I never knew if he was going to come out
of the bushes or from behind a car and just
start shooting.
Riggan watches Ralph act and sees his whole production headed
down the drain. Ralph is just that bad.
RALPH (CONT’D)
The man was crazy. He was capable of
anything.
The actors all wait for a cue from Riggan, who is now staring
up into the lights above the stage. Laura finally picks up
Riggan’s cue.
LAURA
Christ. What a nightmare...
RALPH
He used to call me at the hospital and
say...
(Over the top.)
"Son of a bitch. Your days are numbered."
Silence. Ralph looks over to Riggan.
RALPH (CONT'D)
Too much? Little bit? I just wanted to give
you a range, so you could-And with that a light comes barreling down from it's perch and
crashes into Ralph's head, making him hit the floor like a rag
doll. Silence.
Holy shit.

LAURA
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

6.

Lesley and Annie (35), the Stage Manager, run over to Ralph
who is out cold. Not knowing what to do, they stare at him.
LESLEY
Is he breathing?
Jake runs toward the stage.
JAKE
Someone call 911!
Riggan slowly backs away from the chaos.
LAURA
Is that blood coming out of his
ear?
JAKE
(To Riggan.)
Where are you going?
LESLEY
Okay, he’s breathing. What did he
have for lunch?
LAURA
Did anyone call for help?
ANNIE
(Clapping.)
Wake up! Wake up!
Two crew members try to help Ralph.
CREW MEMBER
Grab his legs. I got the top.
JAKE
Don't move him! Wait for the ambulance.
(Calling out.)
For the love of God! I could get a black
audience in this theater faster than a
doctor!
Riggan heads off the stage, and Jake chases after him. We
follow them as...
4

INT. HALLWAY - THEATER - CONTINUOUS

4

...they walk through the corridor.
JAKE
Where are you going? We’ll have the
understudy ready to rehearse in five-(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

7.

RIGGAN
Forget the understudy. We have to postpone
the preview.
JAKE
What are you-- It’s a full house. We would
have to refund all the-RIGGAN
Then do it.
A crew member· passes in the opposite direction.
CREW MEMBER·
How’s Ralph?
RIGGAN
He’ll be fine.
JAKE
Wait. Wait. Fuck. Wait.
RIGGAN
Listen to me. It was going to be a
disaster. That guy’s the worst actor I've
ever seen. The blood coming out of his ear
was the most honest thing he's done so far.
JAKE
He's not that bad.
Riggan stops in his tracks and stares at Jake.
JAKE (CONT'D)
Okay, he's fucking horrible. But-Riggan starts walking again.
JAKE (CONT’D)
You have the press in your dressing
room in a few hours. How are we-RIGGAN
I'll make something up.
Two Technicians· hurry up in the opposite direction.
RIGGAN (CONT’D)
Jake. This happened for a reason. It wasn't
an accident.
JAKE
What do you mean?
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

8.

RIGGAN
I-- (A beat.) I made it happen.
JAKE
Oh. Okay.
(Beat.)
Are you drunk?
RIGGAN
Find me an actor. A good actor.
Philip Seymour Hoffman...
JAKE
He’s doing the third Hunger Games.
RIGGAN
Michael Fassbender?
JAKE
Doing the prequel to the X-Men
prequel.
They arrive at Riggan's dressing room.
RIGGAN
What’s his name? Jeremy Renner...
Who?

JAKE

RIGGAN
The... the Hurt Locker guy.
JAKE
Yeah. He’s an Avenger.
RIGGAN
(With disgust.)
Fuck. They put him in a cape, too?
(A beat.) Look, I don’t care. Find
me someone.
Riggan enters...
5

5

INT. RIGGAN'S DRESSING ROOM - THEATER - CONTINUOUS

...his dressing room and tries to shut the door. Jake, still in
the corridor, stops it with his foot.
JAKE
(Sticking his head in.)
Ralph'll sue us. He'll sue us. And he's got
a case.
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

9.

Riggan releases the door.
RIGGAN
Then make him go away.
JAKE
How do you suggest I do that?
You're my
my oldest
make this
there and
do.

RIGGAN
lawyer, my producer and
friend. We are going to
work. Now just get out
do what you were born to

JAKE
What's that?
RIGGAN
I have no idea. But I have faith.
Now go away from me.
JAKE
Do you think we should-Riggan slams the door shut on Jake. A beat. On a television, a
segment of E! News. A busty blond, with an exaggerated smile,
hosts.
BLOND WOMAN
...and when we come back, an exclusive
interview with Robert Downey Jr., who tells
us about the billion-dollar Iron Man
franchise. The talented actor invited us
onto the set of Iron Man 3...
Riggan slams the tv off, his mind racing. He sits on a chair.
MAN (V.O.)
That clown doesn’t have half your talent
and he’s making a fortune in that Tin Man
get up.
Riggan stares into the mirror, in the reflection he catches
sight of a poster from a movie called "Birdman 3". The
superhero, Birdman (a younger Riggan in a bird costume), wings
widely spread, stares directly back at him. A hand written
note on the top of the poster reads: "Thomson, break a wing!
From the boys at Local 1." Riggan tries to calm himself with a
mantra...
RIGGAN
"Breathing in, I embrace my anger.
Breathing out, I smile to it."
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

10.

BIRDMAN (V.O.)
Embrace it. Kiss it. Turn it around and
fuck it in the-A knock on the door behind him.
Not now!

RIGGAN

Laura opens the door and sticks her head in.
LAURA
Can I come in?
No.

RIGGAN

LAURA
Okay. Two words. Shia La Beouf.
RIGGAN
That's three words.
It's two.
Get out.

LAURA
RIGGAN

LAURA
I love you.
She closes the door. Riggan tries to calm himself down, but
Laura opens the door again.
LAURA (CONT'D)
I take it we’re not going to dinner
anymore?
RIGGAN
I don’t have an actor.
LAURA
I don’t have a life.
Laura...

RIGGAN

LAURA
Fine. Whatever.
(Goes to leave but stops.)
You remember at Joan's when you
asked me to come do a Broadway play
with you? You said it would be
fun...
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14
Go away.

/

11.

RIGGAN

LAURA
So far? No fun.
Riggan closes the door and looks at the Birdman poster.
BIRDMAN (V.O.)
Fun? You know what would be fun? Getting
the fuck out of here before we humiliate
ourselves. That would be fun.
Riggan looks at himself in the mirror and begins to pull at
his hair. As it comes off his head, we discover it was a wig.
He turns away from the mirror, trying desperately to stay
calm. Something catches his eye: a vase of roses on the end
of the table. A card in them says, "They didn't have the
whatever you wanted - Sam". Enraged, Riggan focuses on the
vase. It begins to shift. Then, with a surge of anger,
without ever touching it, he sends it crashing against the
wall on the other side of the room.
The camera pans over the roses scattered across the floor. It
hovers over the carpet and around the perimeter of the room,
until it finally settles on Riggan, now dressed in a casual
blazer.
A5

A5
It is later the same day. He is sitting on the sofa and on three
chairs in front of him are three journalists:
Gabriel, a geeky theatre journalist, wearing thick glasses and
a thin tie. Clara, a reporter from an entertainment blog. And
Han, a polite, obese Japanese journalist, who sits next to his
translator, another Japanese guy.
GABRIEL
Why does somebody go from playing the lead
in a comic book franchise to adapting
Raymond Carver for the stage?
Riggan tries to remain calm.
GABRIEL (CONT’D)
I mean, as you're probably aware, Barthes
said, “The cultural work done in the past
by gods and epic sagas is now done by
laundry detergent commercials and comic
strip characters.” It's a big leap you've
taken...
Riggan shifts nervously.
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

12.

RIGGAN
Well... Absolutely. As you said... that
Barthes said... Birdman, like Icarus...
CLARA
Hang on. Who's this Barthes guy? Which
Birdman was he in?
GABRIEL
Roland Barthes was a French philosopher,
who-CLARA
Oh. Okay. Sure. Now, is it true you’ve been
injecting yourself with semen from baby
pigs?
What?

RIGGAN

CLARA
As a method of facial rejuvenation.
RIGGAN
Who told you that?
CLARA
It was tweeted by... (checks her notes)
@prostatewhispers.
RIGGAN
It's a lie.
CLARA
I know. But did you do it?
No!

RIGGAN

GABRIEL
Are you afraid at all that people will say
you're doing this play to battle the
impression that you're a washed-up super
hero?
RIGGAN
No. I’m not. And that’s exactly why
20 years ago I refused to do
Birdman 4.
HAN
Birdman 4??? You do Birdman 4???
Jake opens the door and the camera pans to him.
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

13.

JAKE
Okay. That's enough for today.
Thank you for coming. We’re
expecting some great pieces from
you...
Riggan stares at the Birdman poster.
JAKE (CONT’D)
Publicity guys are trying to get
you a Times feature.
Riggan stands up and pulls the Birdman poster off of the
wall.
JAKE (CONT’D)
So, How’d it-- Whoa. If I were you
I wouldn’t do that.
RIGGAN
I don’t want to look at it anymore.
JAKE
That was a present from the crew.
Don’t fuck with those guys, they’re
union.
RIGGAN
I don’t care.
Riggan leaves the poster on the floor, facing the wall, and
walks to the window. He opens it. We can hear distant drums
coming from the street.
JAKE
So... How'd it go?
Great.

RIGGAN

JAKE
(Worried.)
Did they ask about Ralph?
Nope.

RIGGAN

JAKE
Good. He did it, you know? The
motherfucker threatened to sue us.
Didn’t even wait to get out of the
hospital.
RIGGAN
And, what did you say?
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

14.

JAKE
What’d I say? I said, "You
motherfucker. You’re threatening
me? ME? I swear to god, you fuck, I
so much as get a letter from a
lawyer, the press’ll get the
pictures we got off your computer.”
RIGGAN
What pictures?
JAKE
The guy has a thing for nuns... in
diapers. What do you care? You
shouldn’t have any knowledge about
it anyway. The important thing is
that I made him go away.
RIGGAN
Right. That's great.
JAKE
Yeah, it’s fantastic. One problem.
We don't have an actor. And