Deep Legend by DeYtH Banger (funny books to read .TXT) 📕

if we
cancel the first preview the press
will smell the blood. We can't
afford to lose any more money. At
all.
RIGGAN
What do you want me to do?
JAKE
We pay an understudy, let’s use the
understudy.
No.

RIGGAN

JAKE
No? Riggan, listen to me. Our dream actor
is not going to knock on that door and
say: "Hey fellas, when do we start?"
B5

B5
There is a knock at the door. Leslie peeks in.
LESLIE
Can I talk to you for a second?
RIGGAN
Yeah. What’s up?
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

15.

LESLIE
Did you find another actor?
No.

RIGGAN

LESLIE
Okay. Well... Mike's available.
He is?
Mike who?

RIGGAN
JAKE

RIGGAN
I thought he was doing-LESLIE
He was. He quit. Or got fired.
Mike who?

JAKE

RIGGAN
Which one? Quit or fired?
LESLIE
With Mike it's usually both.
JAKE
Mike Fucking Who?
Shiner.
Yes!
Jake...

LESLIE
JAKE
RIGGAN

JAKE
Yes! How do you know Mike Shiner?
LESLIE
We share a vagina.
RIGGAN
You think he'd want to do it?
Yeah.

LESLIE

(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

16.

JAKE
How do you know?
LESLIE
Because he said he'd want to do it.
JAKE

Yes!

RIGGAN
Jake. Hang on a minute.
JAKE
(to Riggan)
Ask me if he sells tickets.
RIGGAN
Does he sell tickets?
JAKE
A shitload of tickets. Now ask me if the
critics like him?
RIGGAN
Do they like him?
JAKE
They want to spooge on him.

Hey.

RIGGAN
(Indicating Lesley.)

Leslie...

JAKE

LESLIE
Right on his face.
JAKE
Everything for a reason, right?
RIGGAN
You think he'll be able to come tonight?
LESLEY
I can call him and find out.
Riggan gives Jake a look.
JAKE
I'll call his agent.
Jake charges out of the room. The camera follows him into...

10/29/14
6

INT. HALLWAY - THEATER - CONTINUOUS

/

17.
6

...the hallway and as Jake makes a left turn, Annie enters from
the right.
JAKE
Annie, turn the work lights on and get me a
fresh copy of the script. We’re gonna have
a “put in” tonight.
Who?

ANNIE

JAKE
You’ll find out...
Jake disappears down the hall and we follow Annie through the
theater and onto...
7

INT. STAGE - THEATER - EVENING

7

...the stage, where she turns some of the stage work lights on.
We pan along the stage until we find Riggan, wearing the same
clothes as before, scanning the empty auditorium.
MIKE (O.S.)
Intimidating. Isn't it?
Riggan sees Mike Shiner (39) coming down the aisle, slovenly
dressed with mussed hair and intense eyes.
MIKE (CONT’D)
Do you have any idea who walked these
boards before you?
(Beat.)
Geraldine Page, Marlon Brando,
Helen Hayes, Jason Robards... And
now you. Riggan Thomson.
Riggan, trying to hide the intimidation.
RIGGAN
Thanks for coming on such short notice,
Mike. I appreciate it.
MIKE
Hey. This is what we do.
(Indicates a script.)
So, you wrote this adaptation?
I did.

RIGGAN

(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

18.

MIKE
And you're directing the adaptation and
starring...
I am.
Ambitious.
Thank you.

RIGGAN
MIKE
RIGGAN

A sly smile from Mike. He leaps onto the stage.
MIKE
Why don't we do a bit of it?
RIGGAN
Hey, I wasn't expecting you to-MIKE
First preview is tomorrow, right?
RIGGAN
Yeah, but you can go on with the script
until you feel comfortable-MIKE
Let's just do some of it.
Riggan tries to hide his excitement. He grabs the script from a
nearby table and walks it over to Mike.
RIGGAN
Take a look at page twenty-MIKE
Yeah. I don't need that.
What?

RIGGAN

MIKE
I don't need the script. Just give me a
cue.
RIGGAN
What are you talking about?
MIKE
Feed me a line.
RIGGAN
I don’t-- What?
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

19.

MIKE
Feed. Me. A line.
Riggan drops the script and begins the scene.
RIGGAN
“I'm the wrong person to ask. I didn't
know the man. I've only heard his name
mentioned in passing. I wouldn't know.
You'd have to know the particulars. But
I think what you're saying is that love
is absolute.”
Mike stares at Riggan, hyper-focused.
MIKE
(Ruminating.)
Am I saying that love is absolute?
(He transforms.)
"Yeah. The kind of love I'm talking about
is. The kind of love I'm talking about you-"
(An intense pause.)
Well, you don't try to kill people.
Riggan is transfixed, and almost immediately intimidated.
RIGGAN
How do you know the lines?
MIKE
I have a thing, a whatever, a gift.
(A beat.) Come on, I helped Lesley get
off book. Hey, give me that cue again.
RIGGAN
"I'm the wrong person to ask. I didn't
know the man. I've only heard his name
mentioned in passing. I wouldn't know.
You'd have to know the particulars. But
I think what you're saying is--”
MIKE
Okay, can I-- Do you mind if I-RIGGAN
No, go ahead.
MIKE
Follow me. He says, "I'm the wrong
person to ask." What's his intention?
Is he fed up with the topic?
Deflecting? Guilt about his wife maybe?
Then four sentences all say the same
thing... "I didn't even know the man."
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

10/29/14
MIKE (CONT'D)
"I've only heard his name mentioned in
passing." “I wouldn't know.” "You'd
have to know the particulars." First of
all, particulars? What are you, my
grandmother? But the point is, YOU
DON'T KNOW THE GUY, WE FUCKING GET IT.
Make it one line. "I didn't even know
the guy." Right? ...

/

20.

RIGGAN
You pretty much know my lines too, huh?
MIKE
Can we-- Are we doing something here? Come
on let's go. Cut it down, give it to me
again.
RIGGAN
"I'm the wrong person to ask--"
MIKE
Oh, right, sorry, you see? "I'm the wrong
person to ask?" That's another fuck you.
"Don't put me on the spot. Don't make me
self conscious about my marriage when my
wife is sitting right here..." See? Give
it to me. Give me a good fuck you. Come
on...
RIGGAN
Okay, let me-MIKE
Come on. Give it to me right now. Fuck me.
Right now. Right here. Let's do it.
RIGGAN
Okay, yeah...
DO IT!

MIKE

RIGGAN
(Jumps in w/out thinking.)
"Hey. I'm the wrong person to ask, okay? I
didn't even know the guy. So what's your
point?"
MIKE
"What's my point?"
RIGGAN
"What's your point? What are you saying?
Spit it out. You're saying, what? That love
is an absolute?"
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

21.

MIKE
(Exploding.)
"Yeah! Alright? The kind of love I'm
talking about is absolute. The kind of love
I'm talking about you-(A painful memory.)
Well, you don't try to kill people.
Riggan stands silently, his heart pounding.
MIKE (CONT’D)
So what do you think, boss? Do I have a
job?
Riggan calls over to the wings.
RIGGAN
What do you think?
Mike turns to see Sam, who has been there for a bit.
SAM
Larry needs to see him for a fitting.
MIKE
I'm gonna take that as a yes.
(Walking to Sam.)
And you are...?
RIGGAN
That's my daughter, Sam.
MIKE
Right. Yeah. I can see it around the... (A
beat) She doesn't look anything like you.
(To Sam.)
And your job is...?
RIGGAN
She's my assistant.
MIKE
Your assistant...
(To Sam.)
And can you speak?
SAM
Yup. I can even 'sit', 'stay' or 'roll
over' if you have any treats.
RIGGAN
Welcome aboard, Mike.

(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

22.

MIKE
(Mock saluting.)
Thank you, Captain.
We follow Mike and Sam off as they...
8

8

INT. HALLWAY - THEATER - CONTINUOUS
...advance through the hallways.
MIKE
I'm Mike Shiner, by the way.
SAM
I know who you are.
(Reluctantly honest.)
I saw you in 'Hothouse' at the Geffen. It
was... great.
MIKE
That ass is great.
She turns her head toward him with a disgusted expression.
SAM
Dude. Seriously?
Moving by her, into a dressing room.
MIKE
This is the theatre, honey. Don’t be so
self-conscious.
She follows him into the room where we see...

9

9

INT. COSTUME DEPARTMENT - THEATER - CONTINUOUS

...Larry stressing out while he works on a costume. He turns
to see Mike standing there. Sam stands against the wall,
focused on her cell phone.
LARRY
Oh, thank the Lord and pass the
biscuits! I finally have an actor to
dress. Hello, Mr. Shiner.
MIKE
How're you doing, Larry?
LARRY
Better, now that you're here. Take off your
clothes.
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

23.

Mike takes off his shirt and hands it to Sam. She doesn't budge,
and it hits the floor. He begins to unbutton his pants...
MIKE
You gonna stand there?
SAM
(Glancing at her cell.)
This is the theatre, honey. Don’t be so
self-conscious.
Larry searches for a few costume pieces.
LARRY
Okay. I'm gonna have to start from
scratch, with less than twenty-four
hours... Let's see if these-He turns to see a completely naked Mike.
LARRY (CONT'D)
Holy-- What is happening? Where are
your underpants?
MIKE
At home, under the bed, I think.
Sam glances at Mike for a second, then returns to her phone.
Larry begins to help Mike into some pants which, given the
situation, is very awkward.
LARRY
Okay. Everything is too small.
SAM
Yeah, you're not kidding.
Lesley enters the room immediately coming face to face with a
naked Mike. She doesn't notice Sam who is partially hidden by a
clothes rack. She just goes about trying a costume shirt.
LESLEY
Oh, that's nice...
(To Larry.)
Forgive him, Larry. Mike's like my five
year old son. Neither one of them has
clean underwear...
LARRY
Or pubic hair, I imagine.
(Folding the pants.)
Okay, well, I can take out the suit but
we're going to need some new pants and
shirts.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

LARRY (CONT'D)
(Looking back.)
And underwear...

10/29/14

/

24.

Mike just stands there naked, staring at his penis in the
mirror.
LESLEY
(To Larry.)
This is too small.
(To Mike.)
What the hell are you doing?
MIKE
Waiting for Larry to finish.
LARRY
I'm finished.
Larry disappears deeper into the costume room.
MIKE
Okay, well, then I'm just standing here
with my balls out.
LESLEY
Get dressed. Riggan's daughter is hanging
around, and I don't need her to walk in
here and-Leslie...

MIKE

LESLEY
No, Mike. You haven’t seen her. She’s
always hanging around, just-- I don’t-Watching everyone. It’s creepy. It’s-Les...

MIKE

LESLEY
I don’t know if the drugs fried her
brain or what, but I don't need her
running to her father saying you showed
her your junk.
MIKE
Okay, then we should probably get her out
of here.
Lesley's expression goes blank.
LESLEY
Oh, God. Really?
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

25.

MIKE
Hey, Sammy...
It's Sam.
Fuck.

SAM
LESLEY

Sam steps forward.
LESLEY (CONT'D)
(To Sam.)
I didn't mean-SAM
(Totally relaxed.)
It's cool. He's a handful, huh?
They both look back at Mike.
Almost.

LESLEY

Sam smiles at her and exits. Lesley wheels on Mike.
LESLEY (CONT’D)
Jesus... How is it you always manage to find
a new way to humiliate me?
MIKE
To be fair, you make it really easy.
LESLEY
What the hell was she doing here?
MIKE
She brought me.
LESLEY
And stayed???
MIKE
I know, right? She's a little-LESLEY
Look at me, Mike. This is Broadway. I'm
here. Finally. And I'm begging you, if you
love me, please, do me a favor... don't
fuck it up.
MIKE
(Gently.)
Come here.
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

26.

Lesley moves toward Mike. He cups her face in his hands
tenderly. They are face to face.
MIKE (CONT’D)
Play with my balls...
She twists his nipples hard and walks out.
MIKE (CONT’D)
I won't fuck it up... Probably!
Larry reappears holding some clothes. We follow him out...
10

INT. HALLWAY - THEATER - CONTINUOUS

10

...through the hallway. He walks by Jake and Riggan who are mid
conversation. We stay with them.

RIGGAN (O.S.)
I don’t care, sign it.
JAKE (O.S.)
Listen to me.
RIGGAN (O.S.)
No you listen to me-JAKE (O.S.)
I can’t afford to listen to you...
LARRY
I’m gonna need to go shopping
again.
JAKE
Fucking sew something, you old
fuck!
RIGGAN
I don't care. Give him what he
wants.
JAKE
His agent is asking for almost four
times what we were paying-RIGGAN
Then go into the reserve.
JAKE
The reserve is gone. You spent it
on the fog. And those fake trees...
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

27.

RIGGAN
It’s a dream sequence, it-JAKE
And three union midgets that dance
around like-RIGGAN
You’re not supposed to call them
midgets-JAKE
The reserve is gone!
RIGGAN
Listen to me, you didn't see what I
just saw. But you will, at the preview
tomorrow. Look, get the contract done.
I'll get the money.
Riggan begins marching toward the stage.
JAKE
(Calling after him.)
When???
Laura comes down some stairs and chases Riggan.
LAURA
(Incredulous.)
Hey, is it true? Shiner?
He's in.

RIGGAN

LAURA
Holy shit! When can I meet him?
RIGGAN
He's in a fitting with Larry.
Lesley comes down the hallway.
LESLEY
I’m going to Starbucks. You guys
want anything?
RIGGAN
I’m fine. How’s Mike?
LESLEY
Did you talk to your daughter?
No.

RIGGAN
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

28.

LESLEY
He’s great.
LAURA
(To Lesley. Matter-offactly.)
Honey, your tits look like fucking
anjou pears in that top!
LESLEY
(Uncomfortable.)
Okay, well I'm gonna-- Thank you.
She walks away.
LAURA
And that ass. Like two eggs in a hanky!
A10

A10
Riggan walks, Laura follows him.
LAURA
Okay, I was going to tell you this over
dinner, but everything-- I have some news
too.
RIGGAN
Good or bad? Cause right now-A technician walks by.
LAURA
(Whispering.)
I missed my last two periods.
(Beat.)
I think it's happening this time.
Riggan stops. Silent. A beat.
LAURA (CONT'D)
Is that good or bad?
(He stares at her.)
Riggan...?
RIGGAN
It's good. It's great.
She smiles, her eyes filled with emotion. Riggan smiles back,
and nods absently.
LAURA
Say something else...
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

29.

RIGGAN
(Joking.)
You're pretty sure it's mine?
LAURA
(Unamused but plays along)
Well, let's see. There's you. Jake. That
masseuse wore a condom so... Yes, it's
yours... idiot.
She puts her head on Riggan's chest. We see his mind racing.
Laura is moved, and confused.
LAURA (CONT'D)
Are you excited?
Yeah.
Me too.

RIGGAN
LAURA

Laura moves slightly away from him and suddenly slaps him across
the face. Riggan looks at her, confused.
What--?

RIGGAN

LAURA
You're not funny.
She kisses him intensely on the lips and briefly places his
hand on her belly, then moves it up to her breasts. After a
moment, she backs away.
LAURA (CONT'D)
First preview tomorrow. Here we go!
Laura turns and walks away. Riggan continues down the
corridor. He passes by a Security Guard· in front of a small
TV. The camera becomes Riggan’s POV and advances until...
11

INT. BACKSTAGE - THEATER - EVENING

11

...we go through the stage door. We scan the backstage area to
see the stagehands ready to do their jobs. We can feel the
electricity of a first preview.
On stage part of the kitchen set from before is visible. Annie
stands at her podium, calling the cues for the show.
ANNIE
(Into her headset.)
Cue 34 and 35. Go.
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

30.

She turns and looks directly into the camera.
Places.
Okay.

ANNIE (CONT'D)
RIGGAN (O.S.)

Riggan walks on screen wearing his costume, carrying a bucket of
ice and a bottle of gin. He goes to the opposite side of the
stage and takes his place in the wings. He peeks out at the
audience who seem to be watching with interest.
Then we pan to the stage to find Mike, Lesley and Laura
performing the scene we saw at the beginning, around the table.
Mike looks comfortable, sipping at his drink. A half empty
bottle of gin on the table.
MIKE
The maniac shot himself right in front of
us. I rode with him in the ambulance to the
hospital.
LESLEY
I’ll never get that image out of my head.
Right before he did it, his eyes-- they
were so sad... lonely.
LAURA
Did you have to treat him?
MIKE
I didn’t have to. But I did.
(Pouring another drink.)
He was in bad