Deep Legend by DeYtH Banger (funny books to read .TXT) 📕

shape. His head swelled
up to like twice the size of a normal
head. I'd never seen anything like
it. And I swear to God, I hope I
never do again.
Riggan stands near Annie.
He’s good.

RIGGAN

ANNIE
He’s incredible. I think he's
drinking real gin.
Riggan looks out at Mike, who is refilling his glass.
What?

RIGGAN

(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

31.

A stagehand gives Riggan a bottle. Riggan watches and waits
for his cue.
MIKE
Ask Nick what real love is. He’ll
agree with me. You watch.
LESLEY
Why don’t we just head to the
restaurant?
LAURA
Don’t get him started, Mel. You
haven’t seen how he’s been lately.
He’s been depressed. I’m worried
about him. He’s been-She gently pushes Riggan and we follow him on stage...
12

INT. STAGE - THEATER - CONTINUOUS

12

...where Mike goes to refill his glass with the last of the
real gin. Riggan snatches the bottle out of his hands and
gulps the rest, straight from the bottle.
RIGGAN
Been what? (Beat.) I'll tell you
what real love is. This happened a
few months ago.
(Drops bottle on table)
And it ought to make us ashamed
when we talk like we know what
we're talking about when we talk
about love.
LAURA
Nick, for God's sake. Are you
getting drunk?
RIGGAN
(Pointed at Mike.)
I don't have to be drunk to say
what I think.
MIKE
Nobody’s drunk. We’re just having a
few drinks.
LESLEY
You’ve had more than a few.
RIGGAN
What are you, counting?
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

32.

LAURA
Don't you talk to her like that.
Don’t talk like a drunk if you’re
not-RIGGAN
(Exploding.)
Shut up. For once in your life.
Will you do me a favor and shut up
for a minute?
(Beat.)
Like I was saying... There's this
old couple, had a car wreck out on
the interstate. Some drunk kid
plowed his dad's pick up into their
camper.
We begin to hear the underscoring of violins.
RIGGAN (CONT'D)
Fucking teenager. By the time I got
to the hospital, the kid was dead.
He was off in a corner laid out on
a gurney. We took the old couple up
to the O.R.. They were a mess. We
worked like hell on them for most
of the night...
Over the speech, Mike reaches for the new bottle that Riggan
placed on stage. He refills his glass.
RIGGAN (CONT'D)
When we were done, we wrapped them in full
body casts. The husband was depressed.
Even when I told him his wife was gonna
pull through, he was still depressed. So,
I got up to his mouth hole and asked him,
and he told me it was because he couldn't
see her through the eye holes. Can you
imagine? I’m telling you, the man's heart
was breaking because he couldn't turn his
goddamn head and see his goddamn wife.
Riggan is doing a good job. Lesley and Laura are genuinely
moved. Mike notices. He sips his drink.
RIGGAN (CONT'D)
I mean... It was killing him. Killing him
that he-MIKE
I'm tired of this shit.
They all look at Mike. In silence.
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

33.

MIKE (CONT’D)
(to Riggan)
What the fuck is this? Water?
He hurls the glass against the wall. Some laughter from the
audience. Riggan stares at him, confused. He presses on.
RIGGAN
It was killing the old bastard...
MIKE
Did you just give me water?
RIGGAN
Come on, Mike.
MIKE
Come on what?
RIGGAN
Take it easy. You're drunk.
MIKE
Of course I'm drunk! I'm supposed to
be drunk! This is Carver, man! The guy
lost a piece of liver every time he
wrote a page! If I’m supposed to drink
gin then bring me fuckin gin! I mean,
you fucked the time period! You took
all the good lines for yourself! At
least let me-The audience is now hysterical. Dozens of cell phones
pointing at the stage. Mike walks toward the apron, facing
the audience.
MIKE (CONT’D)
Oh, okay. Seriously? You people are
pathetic. Put the cell phones down and
join the real world! Will somebody
please just live in the real world?!!
He crosses to the refrigerator.
LAURA
Where's he going?
LESLEY
(Firmly.)
Mike, cut it out.
Mike rummages through the fridge.

(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

34.

MIKE
Look at this. It’s all fake.
(Tossing items out of the
fridge.)
The milk is fake. The butter is fake.
Riggan storms off the stage.
MIKE (CONT’D)
(To Riggan.)
Your performance is fake.
(He finds some fried
chicken.)
Hey! There's chicken. Real chicken. The
only thing real up here is the chicken.
So I'm gonna stick with the chicken.
The audience laughs harder.
MIKE (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Hey, this is good bird, man!
Riggan charges through the chaos backstage running into a
panicked Annie.
RIGGAN
Get Mike out of here.
ANNIE
How do you want me to do that?
Riggan keeps walking up to...
13

INT. HALLWAY - THEATER - CONTINUOUS

13

...the hallway. Jake chases him.
RIGGAN
I want him gone.
No.
What?

JAKE
RIGGAN

JAKE
We can't do that.
RIGGAN
What are you-- Of course we can do that.
It's our show.
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

35.

JAKE
Riggan, listen to me-Riggan comes to a halt and faces Jake.
RIGGAN
No. You listen to me. Get him the fuck out
of my play. Did you see him out there?
JAKE
It was a preview! Nobody gives a shit about
previews. Nothing matters until that old
bat from the New York Times is sitting in
that audience on opening night.
RIGGAN
We're getting rid of him. I’m not going to
stand up on that stage and-JAKE
Shut up! Just shut up for once and
listen to me. As soon as we announced he
was taking over, the advance doubled. We
can't afford to lose a preview. We can't
afford to lose money. We can't afford to
lose Mike. This is about being
respected, validated, remember? That's
what you told me. That's how you got me
into this shit. Now, you're the
director. Get him under control.
(A beat. As a friend.)
These are not the nineties anymore.
Jake storms away. Riggan heads toward his dressing room. Out
of nowhere, Mike barrels into him, pinning him against a wall.
RIGGAN
(Startled.)
Holy Fuck!
Mike presses up against Riggan, breathing down his neck. After a
painful silence...
MIKE
(Like he's possessed.)
You were good...
RIGGAN
Meet me in front of the theater in
10 minutes.
Mike chuckles and slaps Riggan gently on the face before he
disappears into his dressing room. Riggan begins walking
again. We follow him into...

10/29/14
14

/

INT. RIGGAN'S DRESSING ROOM - THEATER - CONTINUOUS

36.
14

...his dressing room. He goes into the bathroom and quickly
washes his face.
SYLVIA (O.S.)
What the hell was going on up there?
We pan over to see his ex-wife Sylvia (43), standing in one
corner, staring at Riggan. She is elegant and simply beautiful.
RIGGAN
I didn't know you were here tonight.
SYLVIA
That guy's an asshole, huh?
Riggan dries his hands with a towel and comes out of the
bathroom.
RIGGAN
What are you doing here?
SYLVIA
Sam and I are going to grab a bite
after she's finished with-RIGGAN
No, I mean here. Now.
SYLVIA
Well. I know how much this means to
you, so-RIGGAN
I appreciate that.
A beat.
SYLVIA
So, how's it going?
The play?

RIGGAN

SYLVIA
No, you and Sam.
RIGGAN
It's good. (A beat.) It’s the same.
SYLVIA
Do you talk to her?
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

37.

RIGGAN
We talk. We-- I don't know, it's been crazy
around here.
SYLVIA
You understand where her head is at right
now.
Of course.

RIGGAN

SYLVIA
She's trying to stay away from everything
and everyone that got her into rehab in the
first place, but...
RIGGAN
...I know, Sylvia...
SYLVIA
...But that's all she had. So she's-RIGGAN
I really do get it.
SYLVIA
I know you're caught up in all this stuff,
but-Stuff...

RIGGAN

SYLVIA
You know what I mean.
(Beat.)
Riggan... You don't have to be a great
father right now, you just have to be one.
Yeah.

RIGGAN

Suddenly, Laura opens the door and sticks her head in.
LAURA
(Noticing Sylvia.)
Oh, sorry.
She closes the door. Awkward silence.
SYLVIA
So how is that going? Is she and
Sam--?
RIGGAN
I don’t wanna talk about it.
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

38.

He goes to a small fridge, takes out a beer and closes it.
SYLVIA
You're drinking?
RIGGAN
I'm having a beer.
Okay...

SYLVIA

He sits and sips in silence for a moment. Then he begins to
take out the wig.
RIGGAN
So, what's going on with you?
SYLVIA
Me? Nothing. Everything's the same I guess.
I'm going back to teaching.
RIGGAN
I’m thinking about refinancing the Malibu
house.
SYLVIA
Wh-- I’m sorry?
RIGGAN
I’m thinking about-SYLVIA
No, I heard you. I just need a second to-(A beat.) That's gonna be Sam's house. Why
would you-- (A beat.) What? For this play?
RIGGAN
(Honest and vulnerable.)
I need the money.
SYLVIA
Do you have any idea how crazy that sounds?
RIGGAN
What do you want me to say? My health
lasted longer than the money... Go figure
that out.
Riggan seems pensive and lost.
SYLVIA
Riggan...
(Beat.)
What’s going on?... Look at me.
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

39.

Riggan gently looks up to Sylvia.
RIGGAN
I have a chance to do something right. And I
have to take it. I have to.
SYLVIA
It’s funny. I was sitting here waiting
for you, and all of a sudden I couldn’t
remember why we broke up.
Silence. Then, as if he hasn’t heard what she said.
RIGGAN
The last time I flew here from LA, George
Clooney was sitting two seats in front of
me. With those cuff links, and that...
chin. We ended up flying through this
really bad storm. The plane started to
rattle and shake, and everyone on board
was crying... and praying. And I just sat
there-- Sat there thinking that when Sam
opened that paper it was going to be
Clooney's face on the front page. Not
mine. (A beat.) Did you know that Farrah
Fawcett died on the same day as Michael
Jackson?
She smiles sadly. She kisses him on the head and goes to the
door.
RIGGAN (CONT’D)
Why did we break up?
SYLVIA
(Looks him in the eye.)
You threw a kitchen knife at me...
Riggan is smacked by that memory. His eyes on the floor.
SYLVIA (CONT’D)
...and one hour later you were
telling me how much you loved me.
(Beat.)
Just because I didn't like that
ridiculous comedy you did with Goldie
Hawn didn't mean I did not love you.
But that's what you always do. You
confuse love with admiration.
She smiles sadly. He looks at her. As Sylvia opens the door,
she turns back to Riggan...

(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

40.

SYLVIA (CONT'D)
It's your house, so do what you want with
it. Just make sure you're there for our
daughter.
I will.

RIGGAN

SYLVIA
You're not Farrah Fawcett, Riggan.
She exits. Painful silence... until...
BIRDMAN (V.O.)
We should have done that reality show they
offered us. "The Thomsons." That would’ve
been good. Crazy, druggy, wise ass daughter.
Milfy wife with the perky tits. People would
have watched that.
RIGGAN
(To the poster.)
Shut up.
Riggan stands up and grabs his jacket. He opens the door and
goes out to...
15

15

INT. HALLWAY - THEATER - CONTINUOUS
...the hallway.
BIRDMAN (V.O.)
Where are we goin'?
RIGGAN
(Almost whispering.)
Leave me alone.
Riggan walks between crew members. Annie interrupts him.
ANNIE
The sun bed is here.
RIGGAN
What does that mean?
ANNIE
It means there's a sun bed out there
being delivered to in here.
RIGGAN
Who ordered a sun bed?

(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

41.

ANNIE
Mike. He says it’s for his character.
Carver’s red necks, “people of the
land”. Part of his process and that
shit.
Riggan cannot deal with this right now. He continues walking
until he arrives at a metal door that takes him out to...
16

EXT. AN ALLEY WAY - OUTSIDE THE THEATER - CONTINUOUS

16

...an alley way. Riggan walks toward the street. There is a man
playing drums. Riggan finds Mike leaning against a parked car,
dazed and looking up at the marquis...
RIGGAN
Let’s go. Walk.
Riggan begins to walk, Mike follows.
MIKE
Where are we going?
RIGGAN
To get you some coffee. Have I done
anything to disrespect you?
Not yet.

MIKE

RIGGAN
I have a lot riding on this play.
MIKE
Is that right?
RIGGAN
People know who I am, and-Bullshit.
Mike--

MIKE
RIGGAN

MIKE
Bullshit. People don’t know you. They
know the guy in the bird suit. They
know the guy who tells those quaint,
slightly vomitous stories on Letterman.
RIGGAN
Well, I’m sorry for being popular, but
that-(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

42.

MIKE
(With irony.)
Popular? POPULAR?... Oh God, popularity is
just the slutty little cousin of prestige.
RIGGAN
Okay, I don’t even know what that-MIKE
My reputation is riding on this play.
And that's... That is...
A lot?

RIGGAN

MIKE
A lot. Exactly. Fuck you. Yes. This
doesn't work out for you, you get to go
home to your studio pals and jump right
back into that cultural genocide you
guys are perpetrating. “There’s a
douchbag born every minute”. That was
P.T. Barnum’s premise when he got rich
inventing the circus. And you and your
pals know nothing’s changed, and
whatever toxic shit you make people are
still gonna pay to see it. But, after
you’re gone, I’ll still be here. I’ll
still be making my living on the stage.
Baring my soul. Wrestling with emotions,
complex emotions.
RIGGAN
Right. Is that what tonight was about then?
(Mocking him.) Wrestling with “complex
emotions”?
MIKE
Tonight was about making it alive. About
making it bleed. This isn't the Warner
Brothers lot, Riggan. This is the city, and
this is how we do things.
Mike turns and opens the front door of The Rum House.
RIGGAN
Where are you going?
MIKE
They have coffee in here.
He walks into the restaurant. Riggan backtracks and we follow
him into...

10/29/14
17

INT. RUM HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

/

43.
17

...The Rum House. Mike stands at the bar, the bartender
already pouring two whiskeys.
MIKE
(To bartender.)
Thanks, Tommy.
Tommy nods and walks away.
RIGGAN
(Getting back on point.)
People were laughing in our faces.
MIKE
(Handing Riggan a drink.)
Tonight they were laughing, tomorrow
they'll be... be.. tweeting about us. Fuck
‘em. Who cares??? These are the people who
pay half price to watch us rehearse. Stop
fucking caring!
RIGGAN
We’re doing Raymond Carver. This play is a
drama. This play is-MIKE
You don’t know what this play is. These are
previews. This is where we find out what
the play is.
Mike points to an Older Woman sitting at the bar. She sips a
martini and scribbles in a notebook with a sour expression.
MIKE (CONT’D)
You see that woman over there? The one that
looks like she just licked a homeless guy’s
ass? Nothing matters until she writes five
hundred words about us in the New York Times.
That's...

RIGGAN

MIKE
Tabitha Dickinson. Yes. And, believe it or
not, the only thing that matters in theater
is whether she likes us or not. She does,
we run. She doesn't, we're fucked.
RIGGAN
(Preoccupied.)
She does look like she licked a homeless
guy’s ass.
(CONTINUED)

10/29/14

/

44.

MIKE
Do me