Many poems dedicated to you... by Hannah Pate (finding audrey .txt) 📕

Later that night, I was at my sister’s house.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I was a sobbing mess.  I climbed into the shower and sat there, under the water.  It felt like I was drowning, yet I was still breathing.  It hurt, the realization that he was actually gone.  My dad called while I was in the shower, I still answered, hoping that it was all just a misunderstanding, maybe he was just sleeping.  But he confirmed it as my own eyes did: you are gone, and you are not coming back.  

“My friend has some land that he is willing to bury him in,” my dad said.  I was sobbing harder then.  He said, “He isn’t in pain anymore, he’s okay now.”  I told him I had to go.  

Once I was able to pull myself together even just a little bit, I got out and came out of the bathroom.  My brother was at the kitchen table.  My sister looked at me with sympathy, she knew I was hurting.  My brother is Autistic, so he doesn’t truly understand the concept of loss.  He kept saying it over and over again, “Blackey died.”  “Blackey’s dead.”  I couldn’t take it, I screamed at him.  “SHUT UP.  I KNOW HE IS DEAD, STOP SAYING IT!”  I felt bad about it after it, he doesn’t understand, and that just hurt more.  I went to bed after that, I couldn’t stay awake any longer.  

The times where you would growl and bark at my parents for play fighting with me.    They would try and tickle me or start poking me.  I would yell and scream because I didn’t like it. You would get up and start barking and growling at them.  They would immediately stop.  You didn’t like them guys me scream out like that, you were a very protective animal.

Another memory was you stealing food either out of our hands or when we were gone out of the room.  That is still a vivid memory of mine.  Whenever we would sit at the table to have dinner, you would casually walk under the table and sit, waiting for food to drop.  There was one time where I had food in my hand and I put my hands in my lap.  All of a sudden, the food I had was gone.  I heard a crunch.  I realized that you just snatched it out of my hands! I thought, “Really?” It was my fault, I knew you would do that.  (I did it on purpose, just so you know) 

I love you,

Hannah

January 20, 2020

To myself,

I had him for a long time.  I was 3 when I got him, he was one of the good things that happened to me as a child.  We got him from one of our old neighbors, they were very nice.  Their dog had just had puppies and they offered one to us since they were old enough.  He originally wasn’t the one we were going to get, we were going to get the only female, but she was really mean so we got the runt of the litter and I am so glad we did.  

We had other dogs along the way.  Ones that Blackey never really cared for, they were just there to him.  He didn’t mind their existence as long as they didn’t bother him.  Some of our dogs would go up to him and try to get him to play with them, but he would just ignore them.  He never really liked to play much, he just liked being pet and that was pretty much it.  

There were many good times with him.  The main ones were that he was happy.  He was very loved, he was wanted, he was cared for.  There were also the bad times like towards the end, his pain.  He was in pain and you could tell, most of the time he would just sleep, he didn’t want to do anything else, but we made him.

Throughout his entire life, there were many emotions.  Most of the love, but some were anger and disappointment if he went to the bathroom in the house, but that was rare until towards the end.  I loved him, so much.  He made me really happy, he made me feel better when I was sad, he made me feel safe.  He was always so protective, I felt safe when he was around.  When he died, a little part of me did too.   I felt like my heart got ripped out of my chest and stomped on.  I felt like all the air got taken from my lungs and there was never enough to refill them. There isn’t that constant feeling of safety anymore, especially with all the noises I hear sometimes in my house, I lay awake at night, scared that there is someone else in the house other than my family, then I just realize there isn’t.  When he died, I lost all hope of accomplishing anything ever again, I was hopeless.  I was sad, very, very sad.  There was also a point right after where I blamed myself for his death.   I still feel that way sometimes to be honest, especially when I am overthinking, I think that I could have saved him or helped him in some way, but it was just his time to go.

Whenever we would talk about what we could do for him, I always started crying.  He was my best friend, I didn’t want him to ever die, but it was inevitable.  I always felt that he was going to be ripped from my arms too early.  I was never going to be ready to lose him, I wasn’t when he did pass.  I felt like they were trying to take him from me even if it was best for him.  I felt like I wouldn’t be okay ever again if I lost him, I couldn’t see a world without him.  Now, here without him, I still can’t see a world without him, he is always in my heart and he is forever burned into my memory.  

After he passed on, I felt like the world was ending.  It slowly stopped feeling that way but it took weeks, even months.  I still feel anxious without him, like nothing will ever be able to calm the nerves I feel without him.  Right now, I feel what most people would feel.  Yes, I miss him every day, but it’s not at the point where I cry every day over his loss, I know he is in a better place now, and that he isn’t in pain anymore, and I am grateful.  After he died, I didn’t care about school work as much as I should have, I wouldn’t do my homework until the last minute even when my friends were constantly reminding me to do it.  I just couldn’t find the energy to do it.  My personality changed after he passed as well.  I started thinking differently, and I saw things differently.  My opinions changed.  I am slowly getting to a better state of mind than I was in the right when it happened.  I have realized over the course of the past 6 months that I was never alone when he died.  There were so many others that he had an impact on during his life that he may not have realized.  Everyone loved him.  He was greatly loved and he still is,

Sincerely,

Hannah

 I have not been on here in a very long time.  A lot has changed.  I turned 18, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years.  I met a guy that I thought was perfect and he left me so suddenly.  I started talking to my old coworker.  my best dog friend died.  I was distraught.  I still am.  Today marks 5 months without her and it still hurts every single day.  I blame myself.  It is my fault even if it isn't.  I started dating my old coworker and I thought that was it.  He was it.  He left so suddenly as well.  I quit the very first job that I ever had after 2 years of being there.  I was so tired of it.  My ex and I started talking again but that didn't last long.  I ended up blocking him on everything because he was so rude. I have grown so much since everything happened.  I graduated.  I did it.  I learned today that my ex has a new girlfriend already.  I shouldn't be upset, but I am.  

 I ended up unblocking my ex boyfriend.  We started talking again.  Hooking up.  Everything was fine.  Then it wasn't.  He told me that he stopped trying because he didn't want antyhing with me.  After he got mad at me for trying to move on after we started talking again.  Which is what he wanted me to do.  I sat around, once again.  Waiting for something that I knew wasn't going to happen, once again.  Poor me.  I'll get over it, I always do.  There is just so much I want to say.  I am hurt, but that has lessened.  I met someone else.  I'm not sure if it will last, maybe it will because he is oh so sweet. I like him a lot.  I'm not getting my hopes up too high because, what if it doesn't work out.  We're taking things really slow because we both are not ready for a relationship.  One day, we will be.  I just look forward to his texts at the end of the day the most.  When his name pops up on the screen, I smile.  Because he is home finally and wanting to talk to me, of all people.  He said that I was his best friend.  I really hope that it's true...