Many poems dedicated to you... by Hannah Pate (finding audrey .txt) 📕

I'm sorry mom, dad. I'm sorry I'm not the good child or the most intelligent, but it's your fault. You didn't care enough. Why do you think I don't mean it when I say I love you? 

 You finally got a phone that you are able to text on, you gave me the number and I wasn't able to text you right after school like I originally wanted to. It was late in the evening, I texted you, you responed rather quickly. We talked for a good hour straight and as the night went on, it was less and less frequent with our family time that needed to be spent, dinner needing to be made and eaten, and showers that needed to be taken. In the process of this, you asked how I was, I told you the truth saying I was a bit sad and tired, you asked why was I sad and I said not really big reasons, I asked how you were, denying your emotions was the response. I was like w h a t. You said I'm talking to a cute girl but still am denying emotions. You then described the girl, you were talking about me. My heart died a little because you were being cute.

 We have been texting for awhile now, it goes really well.  We were talking about some pretty personal things together, you didn't text me the entire next day after that besides late that night, when I was already asleep.  I got so scared and panicked, thinking you were leaving.  You texted me this afternoon and we're okay. Flirting with you is the best part, you admit that you like me, you call me cute, beautiful, sexy.  I called you cute for the first time, you insulted yourself and we promised each other we wouldn't insult ourselves. It's so good.

 I haven't been on her in a while so I decided to give a quick update.  School has been going well.  My crush is still here.  I still like him, he still likes me.  He asked me out today, at least, i think he did.  I was walking to lunch, I got on the stairs and he ran up behind me, scaring me a bit.  He told me that since i like him and he likes me that we should be dating.  I said uh, yeah.  He said, "will you be my girlfriend?"  I died a bit on the inside, still am a bit.  I can't determine if he was joking or not, but if he isn't then sdfiadhrgfng.  I'm happy for once.  I told my gay best friend that he possibly asked me out and he got so excited.  I was walking to the buses with my said boyfriend and a good friedn of mine is walking that way so we walk with him.  he hit me with the stick he was holding, it kinda hurt so I said ow, My said boyfriend switches sides and slaps my friend and tells him not to do that, while putting his arm around my shoulder.  We're kinda awkward as of right now because I'm pretty sure that I am the first girl he has somewhat asked out and I kinda like it. 

 Well, we are dating.  it is official.  I was a bit confused on whether or not we were because he didn't say anything about it this morning until first hour when he said 'my girlfriend' to this person in that class with us.  He told a couple other people too, one of them got really excited and screamed, "REALLY?" it was great.  He's great. That's it. :)

 It's been a minute since I have been on here, so here's a quick update.  I'm still with my boyfriend.  He's still the best person I have ever met, he is so funny and treats me well so I am pretty happy in this relationship.  He hasn't tried to do anything with me, he holds my hand and hugs me too.  Nothing else.  My friend keeps calling him a whore and I yell at her to stop.  He's pretty much my best friend since she left.  I'm pretty sad with some things, nothing specific, just depressed I suppose.  He makes it somewhat bearable though.  We talk less and less frequent.  I haven't seen you since you left school and it kinda sucks but you left on your own terms.  Can't do anything but respect your choices at this point.  I saw you once in the back of your dad's car one day when I was walking, your sister pointed me out, you looked, then looked away without even a simple wave.  You tell me about seeing other people you know and you get all happy about it, but you saw me and there was no happiness.  Just anger.

Happy late new year to everyone who still bothers to read this rant book. This book has changed over the past few months and I am pretty grateful for that change at least. At the beginning of this book, it was simply about a boy that I was still in love with that left me because of his own issues. I didn't see that at the time. I came to learn with that relationship that he was cheating on me for a great part of it and that left me feeling worthless, along with his constant struggle with self-harm and depression. I am not saying this to sound rude, I suffer from depression and I self-harmed myself once upon a time, it just made me feel like I was doing something wrong, like I wasn't enough, that he wasn't happy with me. He went to juvie while we were together and I should have left him right then. For a while there, I thought we were broken up, so I was talking to another person whose name is not relevant at this time. He soon came back and told me we were still together, I panicked and freaked out, I didn't know what to do. After he got out, as time went on, he got worse and worse. He called me names, blocked me, said he hated me, and tried to break up with me a time or two, and then ran right back and apologized. I allowed it to happen, I did that to myself, so can't blame anyone but myself. Once I started sophomore year, things got better. I met a new guy at school, he's only a year older than me and he's a senior. (i'm supposed to be a junior but I started school late because of my birthday) We have first hour together, that's how we met. As time went on, I started to gain feelings for this boy. I didn't tell him about them until my friend threatened to tell him if I didn't. So, I told him.