Roses by Maneli Panahandeh (read out loud books .txt) 📕

an hour had passed. The booth was empty when I went back inside. Shit. 

 

I called her and she said she’d left. I felt horrible. I didn’t know what to tell her and so I just kept apologizing and attempting to bring a good enough reason as to why I left her but there really wasn’t one. She kept saying it was fine but I knew it wasn’t. I knew she wasn’t going to let go that easy. I knew she was a difficult girl, a girl that wouldn’t just forget. That’s why I loved her. She wasn’t easy to get. She was... special. I spent the rest of the night with Nina and some other friends but that sense of guiltiness never left my heart knowing she was probably hurt. She didn’t deserve that. I kept questioning whether I was ready for this or not. I questioned whether I could be there for her and treat her right and that was the worst feeling I had ever had. The sense that I wasn’t able and won’t be able to reassure her messed me up. All I knew was that I couldn’t and break her heart. She went through enough. It was time for her to know how it feels to be loved.

 

October 26

Today was the first time I was going to see Selina after the “date”. I thought she had maybe cooled down a little and had forgiven me but the sadness and tears in her eyes said otherwise. I told her I would do anything to make it up to her and I really meant it. I didn’t want to lose the chance of having a relationship with her. I kept apologizing but her eyes twinkled the same way. I knew she wasn’t going to forgive me and forget that easily. I felt horrible. I didn’t know what to do to make it up to her. I just wanted her back, I wanted her trust back and so I thought of all the things she told me she liked that night. Then I remembered roses make her happy. Roses it is. 

 

October 27

I spent hours trying to pick out the perfect roses. They had to be perfect. I went to school an hour earlier and got her locker combination from Harmonee (Selina’s best friend). I put the flowers in and waited for what seemed hours until she finally showed up. I felt butterflies take over my stomach as I waited to see her reaction. When she opened her locker, that twinkle of sadness in her eyes disappeared and that's when I knew it was time to approach her. “Selina,” I said. “You are one of a kind. You make me feel happy and I know I messed up that day. I’ve been waiting for you all morning, please give me another chance”. There was a pause. It was clear that she was thinking whether she should give me another chance or not. I was starting to lose hope but then I did it. She said yes. I gained her trust back. No more fuckups. I can’t lose her again.  

 

October 31

Selina had this obsession with the show Lucifer and so when she asked me to dress up as him I couldn’t say no. I decided to make her feel special and loved that day to make up for the failed date so I asked my dad for his Lamborghini as I knew she was obsessed with them. He disapproved at first, giving me a lecture on how expensive it is and that if I crashed it, it would end up costly for him. However, I was able to convince him after telling him about Selina. I told him I was in love though I specifically asked him NOT to tell mom. If she found out, I wouldn’t hear the end of it. On my way to her house, I picked up a bouquet of black roses and gave it to her. Her eyes sparkled the way they sparkle when she gets excited. She was shocked (in a good way of course) and gave me a little kiss before I drove off. 

 

Before we went to the party, I drove her up a hill where the city lights glowed through the trees and the stars took over the dull sky. It felt like the perfect moment to ask her to officially be mine. I turned to her and said “I love you and you are the jewel I found in this city. May I reserve this jewel for myself?” I saw the butterflies in her eyes as she smiled and gave me a kiss as her response. That was it. She was mine. She never wanted me to tell anyone about this moment as she has this belief that the longer you keep something good away from society, the longer it’ll stay good to you. 

 

When we arrived at the party, everyone would always look and whisper to each other about us. It felt normal to me. People are always interested in my life for some reason. I got Selina a drink and we just spent our time together. I remember her leaving to go use the washroom in which Nina came up to me. She started getting all touchy and I was pretty drunk. I don’t know what got into me but I went ahead and kissed her. I don’t know why; I just did it. I saw Selina in the corner of my eye and pushed Nina away, hoping it would clean up the mess I’d made. She left the party. Oh god, I felt horrible but I don’t why I didn’t go after her. Instead, I stayed with Nina for the whole night. Ray, (my best friend) came up to me and slapped me, yelling at me as to why I let her go and that I just fucked up my chances with my dream girl. I couldn’t answer his question. I couldn’t answer him. As I started to speak up, I found myself throwing up on him. His hoodie never recovered from that nightmare. I owe him one. 

 

November 1 

I called Selina multiple times but she never picked up and I don’t blame her. There’s no way in which I could describe how bad I felt. Did I kiss Nina because I love her? No, I kissed her as a distraction to stop myself from falling in love with Selina... GOD. I don’t know. I called Ray and asked him to help me clean up the mess I made. I spent the whole day thinking and trying to remember my thoughts and actions from that night. I went to clean up the Lamborghini and then I saw the roses. I felt broken. Why did I let myself lose her like that? I had finally got her to trust me again and I just ruined something that could’ve been so good. 

 

November 3

I went out with Nina and some friends to get my mind off of everything. We went to a little cafe and played some traditional monopoly. I felt happy at that moment but there was this piece of my heart missing and I was trying to avoid the fact that maybe I had fallen in love with Selina. I was avoiding it because I knew I messed up every chance I had with her and that hurt. I didn’t know what to do so, I continued to ignore my emotions and focused on having a good time with my friends. Nina kind of distracted me. I felt confused and well I kissed her when I dropped her off home… I went back home feeling unhinged as Nina felt right but I still felt unhappy when I was alone. I stayed up all night visualizing how different my life would’ve been if I just didn’t do it. I would’ve had her right next to me when I needed her.

 

November 17

November seventeen was a weird day. I found myself driving to Selina’s house and so I called her and asked her to come downstairs. To my surprise, she said yes. I just broke down and cried when I saw her. I loved her so much. Why did I keep screwing it up for Nina? She started telling me how she loved me and how she cared for me despite the shit I did to her. I sobbed even more. I couldn’t figure out why I was doing this to us. She found Emanuelle, a guy that was finally able to treat her right. Why did I go back to her? Was I ruining her happiness again? 

 

I fell in love with her from day one but my mind and heart were avoiding these feelings because I always thought that love makes me feel weak. I always thought that I’d get attached to her and that if I lost that attachment I would be destroyed. She asked me if I kissed Nina and I told her that she kissed me. If Selina knew the truth, she never would’ve been able to forgive me. I asked for a second chance and well she gave me one, although I knew I didn’t deserve it. It felt right. I felt happy again. I always thought happiness would come with good grades or a medal in karate or later just fucking around like a fool but then I found her. Not just a girl, but a diamond. I finally understood what happiness was. Having her, thinking of her and just loving her was the best feeling I had ever felt in my life. I told her that losing her would destroy my little world even more than it already was destroyed. What can I say? I got the charms. 

 

November 18

That day was probably the best date we had ever had. I picked up Selina for our double date with Ray and Yanira. I had invited Nina too but she said she had other plans to go to. I remember the taxi driver didn’t know the directions to her house and so I got there a little later than expected. On our way to the place, I realized she seemed a little frustrated and so I asked her what was wrong. 

 

“Don’t you understand? You literally have no respect for me. You literally invited Nina over to OUR date. Unbelievable.” I realized she was right. There was a few moments of silence before I started to apologize and that was the end of it. We went to the restaurant a little earlier to spend some time alone. My favourite part of the date was when we were alone. It was a wholesome moment. Selina talked A LOT and when she realized I was actually listening, she gushed and smiled and that made me feel happy. It felt right. I was finally treating her the way that I had planned to treat her. I was going to make her happy.

 

November 21

It was a day before Sels birthday and so I told her I had a surprise for her when she woke up. I planned a whole day out for us, a day she would never forget. I had the car, the roses and her necklace ready. She was going to love it. She always told me how she hated her birthday because something bad would always happen. This year was the year where I was going to change her mind. No more crying. It wasn’t right. That perspective she had of the day of her birth was just wrong and I was going to change that. 

 

November 22

I woke up to a shock. Someone took a picture of me kissing Nina the day we went to the cafe and posted it all over social media. Immediately, I drove to Selina’s house but there was no explanation to give, no excuse to cover up the mistake... I fucked up bad this time. I drove to school and met up with Nina. She asked me to sit with her for lunch and so I said