Roses by Maneli Panahandeh (read out loud books .txt) 📕

She walked in the cafeteria looking beautiful. She looked beautiful. I wondered whether I should’ve given her the necklace or not. I decided not to as I felt it wasn’t going to help with the situation. I would’ve looked like a total douche. 

It was another typical school day minus the annoyance I felt about the Selina situation. Another bad birthday and it was all my fault. I decided to go home and have a drink with my bros Ray and Bernardo. That one drink turned out to be a lot more than anticipated and so I just found myself at the restaurant Selina and her friends were at. She asked me to leave with the look of disgust yet love at the same time. I could tell she was done with me but still loved me. I didn’t want to ruin her day so I just left, although I wish I had stayed. That was a mistake I kept making. I kept leaving her when I should’ve stayed… Later on, I saw that the girls were at the club from Yaniras story so I headed down there to see and take care of them but Emanuelle had beaten time; beaten me. She looked happy. She deserved Emanuelle. He was someone who was going to treat her right and I wasn’t going to ruin that for her. I decided to leave. I heard her yelling my name but I left without looking back. I couldn’t hurt her anymore. I couldn’t look her in the eyes. The guilt would just come rushing back.

I went home earlier than I usually did. I found the notebook Selina gave me when we were together. She wrote me down love letters to read when I was feeling down or upset. My favourite part of one of the letters was when she wrote “I keep looking at the rose you got me. Unfortunately, it’s dying and it’s depressing watching it die. Ok, this isn’t supposed to make you feel bad. Oops. Ok. Here’s a crappy illustration of the rose.” and she drew a crappy illustration of the rose. Why did it mean so much? Well, when she mentioned that she kept looking at the rose it showed how important and dear our relationship was to her. The dying of the rose foreshadowed the end of the relationship which showed she felt despairing just thinking about it. However, she continued to pull herself together, having hope for the relationship which was the symbol of the rose. That’s why that page was the dearest to me. The drawing of the rose wrapped it all together. I will always cherish that notebook and it’ll always be lying down on my desk in the corner of my room. I will always cherish the memories and the good times. 

I decided to write her a letter and so I did. It read: “I’m without you my dear, like a sun without a sky, like a bird without wings. Your love inspired and pleased me every minute. I love you, my cherished. And just next to you I felt happy. We broke up and the world became grey and cold for me. I miss you… I miss you. You are my sweetest and most desirable girl. Only with you was I as happy as you were with me. As the sun gives the warmth of its rays, so you gave me joy and love. I just cannot imagine how I lived before I met you. You are my dearest girl in the world. May only luck be on your way. Let all your dreams come true. Let the guardian angel guard you, and may you find in someone the love you never found in me.” - Kendrick 

She never responded…

I met up with Ray, Rico and Bernardo the next day. Bernardo never approved of the relationship, blabbering about how dating Selina was a mistake. Ray, on the other hand, always supported my decisions no matter how dumb they were though he thought it was right for me to let her go. I kept hurting her. Rico, who is Selina’s best friend, always told me to do what’s right and helped me make the right decisions with what to do next. 

Whenever I was alone, I was alone with my thoughts. I would think about how I messed up every time she gave me another chance and I failed to act on my promise that I wasn’t going to leave again. I promised her that I would change for the better yet I made everything worse in the end. All of this happened just because I was afraid of love and in the end.. Ironically as it is… it ended as it had started: I left her when I shouldn’t have.

January 5 

It was Yaniras birthday. I remember hesitantly approaching the steps of the stairs as my heart raced faster the closer I got to the doorstep. I felt my heart stop when I saw her. I tried to talk to her but I was just overwhelmed by the guilt. I could feel the pain through her eyes. It was obvious she wasn’t over me. The eyes can’t hide. I could tell that she didn’t want me there. I decided to give her time and space as I didn’t want to hurt her. I spent most of the night dancing and having fun with friends. I got pretty wasted. I attempted to talk to her a few times but she wouldn’t listen and would walk away. Her eyes would sparkle as the tears attempted to wash the sadness away. Again, I knew she wasn’t over me, but I was over her. She left without saying goodbye...

CHAPTER 3 

The name’s Nina. I grew up in Toronto and later moved to Vancouver for my junior and senior year. I know you probably hate me right now considering the Kendrick situation but it’s only fair to listen to what I have to say. 

Meeting Kendrick was probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Kendrick is one hell of a complicated person but at the end of the day, we all love the guy. He’s that one person I will always have feelings for. I mean, he’s THAT person. We all have that one person we’ll always have feelings for. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not that lonely I mean I have guys willing to give me the whole world but the problem is, they aren’t him. I go on dates and date a few guys here and there but I had always hoped and still hope that one day it would be him I’d be dating. What can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic. It’s like a dream where he’d just come and hug me from behind, wrap his arms around me and tell me that it was never Selina and that it was me the whole time. Although I know that wouldn’t ever happen, sometimes it’s nice to picture unrealistic scenarios to feel happy; even if it’s for just a few moments before you come back to reality. 

Selina and I had a weird relationship. She’s THAT girl. Everyone always gossips about how her heart and soul is so pure. The first impression you’d have about her is that she looks so innocent and fragile. It’s like she’s a lost puppy, lost on the inside but shows to be strong on the outside. Everyone knows how easily her heart can break but nevertheless, she’ll never give up the attempt to show otherwise. I guess that’s why she’s always unlucky when it comes to relationships. Guys love girls like Selina. They love being the bigger person and being relied on. They love to be relied on as it makes them feel important and empowered. Selina just picks the wrong guys to call “home”. She goes for guys who would do anything to feel important. I met Selina on my first day in Lockwood High. We started to talk a lot but I can’t say we were close. She was supposed to just help me settle down for the first week and so we only grew closer when she and Kendrick happened. As expected, our friendship went downhill after Halloween. 

Halloween was a weird night. Somehow, I’m to be blamed for Kendricks actions. I haven’t really told anyone that it was Kendrick who kissed me as I feel the responsibility to kind of like protect him. I mean, I am one of his best friends after all and that’s what I’m here for. I’ll always have his back no matter what and if that means taking the blame for his actions to save his relationship, to hell with it. He was drunk and it was a mistake just like he said. It didn’t mean anything to him so why not take the blame in exchange for his happiness? You probably think I’m stupid as I’ve let my reputation down but my real friends know what really happened and that’s all that really matters. 

As absurd as it sounds, I still wish it would work; me and Kendrick. I care for him and I’ve always been there for him. Although I’m constantly blamed for Kendrick and Selinas break up, I still would be so down to be with him. It’s not easy to deal with peoples bullshit but I would be so down to deal with his. Their breakup is not my fault, it’s Kendricks, and everyone lowkey knows that but people just want to blame it on me because that's what society does; they ignore what the guy does and focus on what the girl does. It sucks. I can’t describe how it feels to be the only one attacked for something that was a mutual thing. I never forced Kendrick to kiss me, he did it by choice. I got really mad at him when he pushed me away at the party. HE kissed ME and then put the blame on me! It wasn’t my fault that Kendrick didn’t love Selina enough to keep me out of the question. I don’t know, I was just trying to look out for Kendrick hoping that somehow this would make him change his mind about me and us staying just friends. Again, it wouldn’t hurt to fantasize for a few minutes before coming back to reality. 

A part of me thinks that Kendrick kind of used me as a distraction to stop himself from falling in love with Selina and the other part is trying to convince me that he actually wanted me. It hurts. It hurts to be used as a toy, as a distraction. I’m just a fool in love. I know and believe that deep down Kendrick is a good guy. I know that he cares deeply for Selina and me but there’s just this ongoing dilemma or let’s say question in my head. Does he really love Selina? I mean, he did choose me every time he had to choose and he did stay with me at the party and THEIR date. It kind of sucks when you don’t know the answer to any of your questions. It sucks that I can’t be the girl he’s in love with. I’m not.