Roses by Maneli Panahandeh (read out loud books .txt) 📕

I know that. It’s just confusing. Why pick me if you love her? I’m known to be the “tough” girl at school but I could never confront Kendrick about my feelings. I could never tell him that he’s hurting me and that results in losing a piece of my heart every time he breaks it. 

 

I never really told Kendrick but, I even had a date at the Halloween party. He was the one that convinced me that it was a good idea to go kiss him. I was wasted and I just kept blabbering about how I was in love with Kendrick to him and he just said “FUCK IT! GO KISS HIM AND TELL HIM EVERYTHING. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE, RIGHT?”. I forgot to mention the fact that he was in love with Selina. It was just in the moment in which I thought that it maybe really was a good idea. I mean, it was until I actually did it. Honestly, I never knew that they had made it official until the day after. She must’ve felt humiliated… Poor girl. I’m not saying it was my dates fault but like I mean he did give me the idea. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, the one to blame is me??

 

That is the story I had told everyone who still believes that I kissed Kendrick. Believable, right? I mean, I really did have a date but that obviously didn’t end well after Kendricks little show. It’s alright though, it was worth the loss. I mean, it was Kendricks lips locked onto mine! Who else would I have wanted to kiss? That kiss was enough to last me a month of happiness. You probably are wondering why a month. That leads to my story of depression. 

 

When I was fourteen, my parents got a divorce. It was really hard to get over and so I did everything in my power to forget or distract myself from the pain. My mom then was diagnosed with severe depression. I forced myself to get up in the mornings. I forced myself to go to school. I made my own lunch and worked as a waitress at this small restaurant just around the block to pay for our groceries and needs. After about a year, my mom started to get better and she got a job at Tim Hortons. Sweet, right? As my mom started to get better, my dad died from cancer and I was diagnosed with severe depression right afterwards. My mom started thought moving cities would help me heal. She said Toronto was a “trashy” place and so she talked to her boss the next day and was promoted to become a manager at one of the branches here in Vancouver. Apparently Vancouver treats depression and brings what I want back. My dad. *facepalm*

 

Alright, enough about me. Selena's birthday was a weird day. A picture of me and Kendrick was all over Instagram and social media. I felt pretty horrible. Kendrick called me crying saying he didn’t want to lose her but I told him he fucked up real bad this time. I mean, I had to tell him the truth. Whether he wanted it or not, he wasn’t getting Selina back this time. Selina wasn’t going to forgive him this time. I could feel her anger and rage from miles away. Poor girl, it was her birthday! Before he hung up, I asked him to sit next to me during lunch to keep him distracted from Selina and he agreed to it. It was a lot of fun although I could tell that he was hurt. I just wanted him to be okay. Later in the evening, Kendrick asked me to go to his place with the boys. He called and cancelled on me last minute so he could go to the restaurant Selina was at. I didn’t or couldn’t stop him as I thought they were getting back together. Little did I know, he added to the damage he had done. It did kind of hurt when he cancelled last minute but I didn’t bring it up and told him that I understood. The last thing I wanted to do was add on to the pressure he was already going through.  

 

I have a tough time at school considering the situation and bullshit drama. Everyones constantly making up rumours about me and Kendrick. The funniest one I’ve heard was that I went back home with him and ended up getting pregnant! IMAGINE?! I swear nothing else went down. I swear to it. People just love taking a small situation and turning it into something indescribably unreal. I guess they’re just bored and need some drama in their lives. Me, Kendrick and Selina are their entertainment I guess. I can bet 100 dollars they just sit down and spend their days gossiping and spreading fake news. What can I say? Maybe my life really is that entertaining to watch and ruin. I wish I could go back in time and push Kendrick away when he had kissed me. Maybe my life and reputation wouldn’t be such a mess right now… 

 

The other day, I opened up my locker and found a note. “Meet me back in my place? Or is that baby bump gonna stop us?”. I never found out who wrote it but that shit hurt. Now everyone sees me as an open business. The worst part is that I can’t talk to anyone about it. My friends lost their respect for me. My family, well, that’s out of the question. The only person left would be Kendrick but, he would go crazy if he knew what had happened. He’s a little overprotective even as a friend. I’m not the only one losing though. Kendrick lost respect. He lost his dignity.  

 

Fuck friends. Like honestly. My friends are important to me but, my family are the people who were there for me my whole life. Friends are people who just come and go every few years but family stays with you till the end. That’s how I look at life. I don’t rely on anyone except my family and well, Kendrick. I know you probably think that I’m stupid for relying on someone like him, but he really is a great friend. Although Kendrick isn’t good at being a boyfriend, he sure is one hell of a friend. He always has your back no matter what.

 

I sometimes wish I hadn’t let myself fall for Kendrick so hard though; mostly because he never knows what he wants. He never knows what he wants from a relationship nor who he wants or why he wants them. I feel bad for him sometimes. He’s a confused guy and that’s why I’m always there for him; like a best friend though. I just wish he’d realize what he does when he manipulates girls like that; especially Selina. What I never understood was why Kendrick would avoid falling in love or was afraid to fall in love with Selina when he knew she was all in and would never break his heart. He knew she loved him with everything she had though he was still avoiding her. Why is the question he can never answer. 

 

Although I love Kendrick, I always knew that Selina was going to treat him right. I always knew she was madly in love with him and she showed it at the right times. I’m also confused as to why she kept forgiving his mistakes... it was a toxic relationship so take him back and forget about all those mistakes? Were they even mistakes? He did them by choice. Did she love him to the point where she would ignore his actions and accept his apologies every time he messed up? I mean, yes, he did pull some romantic gestures but, that didn’t change what he did or, who he was. He hurt Selina so many times and what I don’t understand is how he let himself do that. Let’s not forget how he promised her every time that he would change, though he would fail his promise anyways.

 

I wasn’t invited to Yaniras birthday, mostly because we weren’t and still aren’t very close and partially because of Selina. I didn’t really feel any sort of hatred towards Yanira. I mean I wouldn’t have invited the girl who “made” my best friend's ex cheat on her at my birthday. A party is a party! I was invited somewhere else that same night anyways. 

 

I remember Selina calling me later that night. I picked up the phone to hear her crying. She would try to take deep breaths, attempting to calm down but she was too broken. “Tonight was probably one of the most fun yet heartbreaking nights I had ever had. Nina, I don’t know why I’m calling you right now, all I know is that I needed someone to talk to and I’m not sure why I chose you. Nina, I considered you as a close friend before all of this shit happened. Nina, I’m broken. Do you understand? No one understands me when I say that. Everyone just laughs it off and says that I’ll get over it in a week. I’m not Kendrick. I put my whole heart into that relationship. You know how they say “you are the other half of my heart”? You know how broken they feel when that “other half” leaves? Well, what if that “whole” leaves? What if you made them your whole heart? All I wanted him to do that night was grab my hand and tell me he missed me and that he wanted me back. I played it off cool and would walk away when he’d try to talk to me because I knew that what I wanted to happen wasn’t going to happen. I knew that he just wanted to make “casual” convo. I couldn’t look him in the eyes with love when all I got back was a “friendly” look. I know he’s fallen for someone else. I can see it in his eyes. I know Nina. Maybe it’s you that he’s fallen for. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not sure whether I can do this anymore. I’m probably going to spend a few weeks thinking “what if I stayed? Would we have gotten back together? Would we be together right now?”. Maybe he just never loved me to want me enough. I guess I’ll never know now will I? It doesn’t matter anyway. He’s gone and he’s never coming back.” 

 

I broke down and cried with her. I felt the sadness, the anger, and the confusion in her voice. I was speechless. It felt horrible knowing that she was so broken. Even though Kendrick is my everything, I’m not sure why but, there’s a sense of guiltiness in my heart. I feel like I owe Selina. She’s broken all because of a guy who doesn’t know what he wants. I knew exactly how she felt, exactly how it felt to look him in the eyes with love and get friendship back. I never knew how to explain the feeling but she was able to explain it perfectly. 

 

There is one confession that I have to make. No one knows as Kendrick doesn’t like talking about it. Me and Kendrick did have a past before he met Selina. We were in a “thing” though we were never officially together. It was a friends with benefits kind of relationship. We both agreed not to tell anyone as there would’ve been drama (I mean imagine if people knew about our past, I probably would’ve had to move out of town). 

 

It’s pretty crazy how I first realized that I had feelings for Kendrick. I was over at his crib one day and we were just chilling. He started to open up to me about us and said he’d thought it would be for the best if we had just stayed nothing more than just