Roses by Maneli Panahandeh (read out loud books .txt) 📕

left. I headed inside his car. His head was tilted down and so I tilted my head a little in which I was shocked, shocked to see tears rushing down his cheeks uncontrollably. I didn’t know what to do. I just found myself sobbing and yelling “I LOVE YOU! Don’t you already know? I loved you so much, and I still do, despite what you did to me. I just can’t get the idea of me and you out of my head no matter how hard I try and you know I’ll always come back to you no matter what you do. You just keep screwing me over again and again and that’s what sucks. I can never be your first choice. Did you or did you not kiss Nina back? Don’t you dare lie to me.”

 

There were a few seconds of silence in what seemed like forever till he finally pulled himself together to talk. He replied while sniffling, “Selina I have loved you from the day that I met you. I have never been able to get you off of my mind, no matter how hard I tried. I’ve always known that I don't deserve you and I was avoiding facing what I was really feeling or who I was feeling those emotions towards to. This past month has been hell for me because I know I screwed up and I just hope you’ll give me a second chance; although I don’t deserve it. I didn’t kiss Nina, I swear she kissed me and you were there! Selina, I pushed her away.” Most of it was a blur. I was shocked. But there it was. I realized he was right. He did push her away. I finally felt safe again.

 

November 18

November 18 was probably the best date we had ever had. Kendrick picked me up to go out for dinner with our friends Ray and Yanira. We went a little earlier to spend some time alone. I remember him being late but oh well boys are just boys. I mean, it was our first date after all. I wasn’t going to pick up an argument over something unimportant. On our way to the place, I talked to him about Nina. “Baby your actions show me how much you respect me. I’m not going to force you, but I do expect you to distance yourself from Nina. I know she made the move but that’s more of a reason as to why you should distance yourself from her. She doesn’t respect me nor does she respect you”. He stayed silent for a few minutes but then said he completely agreed with me and would do as I wished. We moved on from Nina, I didn't want to spend our day, our time talking about someone irrelevant.

 

I remember talking a lot and I figured he wasn’t really listening so I shut up and asked more about him. Later in the conversation, he brought up one of the things I told him when I was talking and I was shocked. “Wow, you were actually listening?”. “Yes, of course I was”. My heart went like ghudskhgshgudksughejskd. Damn, he was actually listening to me go on and on about random shit. I remember I passed my curfew and had to go home in a hurry. The mall was practically closed and so we had to take the emergency exit to get out. Kendrick ran down the stairs and disappeared for a couple of minutes. I waited for him to come back so we could say goodbye and he came back with his hands behind his back. “Guess what?”. “A rose?”. My heart.

 

November 21

It was a day before my birthday and Kendrick told me he had a surprise waiting for me when I woke up in the morning. I had an exam that day so he brought me a basket full of snacks and flowers to cheer me up. Everything felt perfect and that really was all that had happened that day. I texted him goodnight and headed to sleep.

 

November 22

I woke up to a surprise I would never have suspected. It was more of a nightmare than a surprise. As any typical teenage girl would do, I woke up to check my socials to thank everyone for my birthday wishes. I did technically wake up to those messages but that “surprise” Kendrick mentioned wasn’t exactly what I had expected it to be. Nina. Kendrick. NINA. KENDRICK. TOGETHER?!?!? A picture of them having a make-out session was leaked by our schools “gossip girl” and I just felt my heart sink. Did Kendrick really push Nina away at the party? “What a great start to my birthday,” I thought.

 

DRING. The doorbell rang. I ran downstairs and opened the door to see the first and last person I wanted to see at that moment. I froze still. My tongue and body felt numb as I attempted to wear off the picture, trying to see him not Nina. The picture was all that I could see. “I know what you did”. He played the confused face as his eyes twinkled guiltily. To my surprise, I slammed the door and walked away.

 

I had school that day, which meant I had to see them together. I spent a good half hour bawling my eyes out till I got to the realization that that day was my birthday. I decided to get my shit together and go get dressed. Oh, I got dressed. I got dressed. It felt like those scenarios in movies where that one girl would walk down the corridor, grasping everyone's attention as they had some sort of a “glow up”. It all felt so unreal. Nina's jaw fell onto the floor as her eyes shone with jealousy, running into Kendricks's arms to make me feel bad. I couldn’t care less. Fuck them. Not literally.

 

School was just school. I went out with my besties, Harmonee, Yanira and Phoebe for dinner and told my parents I’d be home late. When I got to the restaurant, I finally started to feel the heartache again. Then it happened. He walked in, drunk as fuck, asking for another chance. It just didn’t feel the same. I didn’t see the love in his eyes as I usually did and it hit me hard. I asked him to leave and continued to have fun. I wasn’t going to let him ruin my day. It was as if God heard my cry for help and brought Emanuelle to me.

 

I got home pretty late and basically bawled my eyes out the rest of the night. I called Harmonee. I felt like shit. I know it sounds out of the blue, but my heart had this slight feeling that Kendrick was attracted to Yanira. I knew by the way he would look at her when he came to the restaurant. It sounds absurd as he was asking me to take him back but it was just something in his eyes. I don’t know how to describe it. I saw more love in his eyes with her than he ever did with me. In fact, I don’t think he ever did love me. You probably expected me to say I felt like it was Nina but I didn’t see it with her, I saw it with Yanira. I always wished he’d look at me instead, but, it was her eyes he was staring into. I knew that even if what I thought was true, he never would admit to it. It just didn’t make sense to me. Nothing made sense. If he loved me, why’d he leave me? Why did he keep leaving when I wanted him to stay? He made me question myself. Am I not pretty enough? Am I not the girl he’s looking for? More and more pieces of my heart would fall out as I thought about my insecurities more frequently.

 

November 23

I woke up only remembering half the shit that happened last night. I don't know how or when we hit the club. Weren’t we at the restaurant? All I knew was that I drank way too much. I called Harmonee, my best friend, and asked her what went down last night. Oh, I got the biggest lecture of my life; bigger than my parents had ever given me one. “ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW SELINA? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED WE WERE ABOUT YOU LAST NIGHT? YOU WERE DRUNK AS HELL AND WAS CRYING AND DANCING AND YELLING KENDRICKS NAME THE WHOLE TIME WHILE EMANUELLE WAS TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU! WHY CAN’T YOU REALIZE THAT THE PERFECT GUY IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU AND YOU KEEP GOING BACK TO KENDRICK, THE ONE GUY WHO DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU. HE’S A THIRSTY MOTHERFUCKER WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS SO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND MOVE ON”.

 

I hung up mad. Not because of the lecture, but because I knew she was right. I knew that I was too good for Kendrick and that I deserved better but what if I didn’t want better? I promised myself to move on. After all, I’m 17 and my senior year is right around the corner. I think it’s time to get serious with this shit for once. I sat down thinking how I would know who would be the right guy. If I’m gonna be with someone, they’re gonna want the best for me.

 

“SELINA!” yelled my mom, “BREAKFAST!”. I ran down the stairs, attempting to erase these thoughts and to just have a nice breakfast with my parents. I thought they would be infuriated about last night; especially my dad, but they both seemed to be okay. “I can tell you had a lot of fun last night. I’m glad you got home safe, just try to take it down a notch the next time you drink” mom said. “Look,” said my dad with the tone of a lecture coming up. Uh oh, he’s mad. “Selina you are a strong, beautiful girl but, I feel like you are not yourself these days. When have you ever drank so much? No, actually, when have you ever drank alcohol? Especially behind our backs?! You’re growing up, you’re 17, but you do not have my blessing to go out with your friends and get drunk all the time. You have my blessing to do that on special occasions like your birthday only. Although I’m not too upset about last night, your behaviour wasn’t very lady-like. Who is Kendrick? I thought we agreed to keep your focus on your studies..” I was unable to look him in the eye. Yes, I have been doing all of this behind his back but mom knew? I guess that made me feel a little relieved but I knew he was right. I was being distracted from my studies. “He’s no one dad. I promise to focus on my studies from now on”. “Good, now let's have breakfast”. The rest of the day was a chill day, minus the hangover.

 

November 24

I met up with Rico that day. Rico is my whole world or was at least (that’s another story). He was always there for me when I needed a shoulder to lean on. He made me feel special and happy and would always cheer me up. Everyone would always think that me and him were in love with each other, even when I was with Kendrick but I always saw him as a brother. He was the only person that could calm me down with his hugs because he knew exactly what I was going through. I remember when I was crying in his arms, he was about to cry too as he said he hated to see me cry like that. I have to admit, I was crying really badly. It got to the point where I was shaking uncontrollably. Never had I ever experienced such a thing. My teeth would not stop chattering