Everyday Thoughts. by Gabby Follin (ebook offline reader txt) 📕

 you don't bite honey, you sip it or drink it, bite, what?!

Goodbye Republic, it was a good run but I am moving on. 

Residing in a new place, fresh and new and away from you. 

I grew up here, learned a lot of things but most importantly how to be strong. 

I had my first love here, and my first heartbreak. You gave me many people, some kind, some devious that gave me the knowledge to know right from wrong. 

You gave me good memories and bad, lots and lots of pain which I’m happy to be leaving behind but part of me will keep you in my heart, because this is my hometown. 

I’ll miss what good things you gave to me, and move on from the bad, but I will not miss you, so this is goodbye.

 I feel relieved. 

Like i just took a fresh breath in the middle of the woods. 

A new house to reside in that is beautiful as a house could be.

The boy who you thought would never love you, turns out to love you.

The feeling of relief falls over me, as I can finally breathe. 

No feelings of paranoia around him, is he cheating on me? 

He isnt, he wouldnt, but would he? Has he?

Oh, I'm happy. 

Liars, devious, deleterious. 

Are they even gone? 

 It's amazing how people will still speak your name even though your presense is no longer near them anymore. 

Even though I have moved miles away, my name still seems to be a hot topic. 

If only I could ask you why? 

In all reality I really could but why would I?

Seems pointless at this point. 

You've been wanting to feel up my skin for who knows how long. 

Did you have to take it to this extent to make people believe you have?

How many people did you bet against saying you could?

And how many people did you tell you achieved?

Because you didn't, mister. 

I'm still untouched by your hands and only the desire of you wanting to exists along with nothing else in between. 

I find it devious for you to go to such measures to convince these ex friends of mine with this lie. 

They don't matter to me anymore, so why do I care? 

I can simply say I do because of the sole fact you are portraying a picture of me that is most definitely false. 

That's not me, it's not anymore. 

I'm not the whore you think I am. 

Not sure to why you even think that. 

You never even liked me which makes me sad to say considering you basically pleaded love to me. 

All you had was your sick desire to run your fingertips down my legs, to make me seem dirty doing these special things. 

You were a good person in my book, but now what am I supposed to define you as? 

Desperate? 

Seems about right. 

I'd rather not see you ever again if it's possible. 

You and so many others caused me pain from that place, why do you continue when you know I'm gone? 

To try and hurt me more? 

It won't work, I do not care. 

Leave it alone, stop spreading lies. 

You're just as worthless as the rest of them. 

You fell in love for the first time, with me. 

The nervousness in your chest always made me blush. 

How long had you waited to call someone yours? 

Words fell from your lips that had never fallen before, did you mean any of them? 

Those words, have fallen from mine so many times and it turned out it wasn’t meant to the right person. 

But it also turned out, they weren’t meant for you either. 

At least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself of. 

Right now, I still feel it. Those words, I meant every bit of it. 

Soon enough that might fade, but I’m still a heartbroken girl over you, for some reason. 

Is it because you were one of the best out of the many that I’ve been with? 

Do you think I’ll be one of your best too?

Reading back, it was subtle. 

At first, it was a casual friendship, sending memes and asking how each other is doing. 

Then the emojis started, the yellow and blue hearts, or Ikea hearts as you called them. 

It was the flirting, calling each other cute became a routine thing. 

But then, we both started to say “I love you”. And that was that. 

It was a friday night, the night I think I fell in love with you. 

We called for the first time, after knowing each other for 6 years. 

I’m not sure if I even told you how much I adored your voice. 

Maybe I did, but maybe not enough. 

I’m sitting here, reminiscing over it all. 

Writing these tiny words that probably would mean nothing to you on a page. 

I’m still sad. 

When you said it hurts me as much as it does you, was that a lie too?  

I never see you anymore. I never get to hear your voice again. 

I don’t get to ask how your day was. I don’t have the privilege to do any of it anymore. 

A part of me hopes you will come back to me one day, realizing maybe you need me afterall. 

Another part wants you to be my friend, nothing more than that. 

But the bigger part of me wants you to stay away, knowing if it didn’t work out now, how could it later?

The first time is usually the most intense and passionate. 

Another new person added under the belt, the first time is always the best. 

He holds you close, his breath in your ear while your bodies are one. 

Your nails digging into his back, making him want to go harder and faster. 

It’s always the first time, after that he stops trying. 

Looking only for a way to get his dick wet, I was always the answer. 

Taking advantage of the sadness in my eyes, pounding it away one thrust at a time. 

It’s intense, the harder he goes, the closer you get to the edge. 

Desperate for that feeling, it’s like you’re dying a little bit. 

Relief, in all ways possible. Until it’s over. 

He holds a cigarette in his palm, presenting it to me. 

Taking it with gratefulness and lighting it with emptiness. 

The smoke enters my lungs while the feeling sets in. 

Sadness fills my pores, the loneliness comes at full blast. 

Do I really have to take these measures to not feel like that for just a short while?

Ignoring my thoughts and the feelings in my stomach, I puff away at the poison stick with ease. 

My little routine, cigarettes and sex. 

It’s only desperation, to fill the void of belonging to someone. 

Until the one man who will fix me comes around, this is all I got. 

This is my life.

Tell me something I don't know. 

Go on, enlighten me about the person you think I am. 

I'm sorry I'm not everything you pictured, not perfect. If it wasn't for everything you all put me through, I'd be aye okay. 

But you already think I'm aye okay don't you? 

Is it just the fact I always try and put a smile on my face? Like a stone wall? 

Anything can get past here, fucking anything I tell you. 

I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't thinking all the time, but that's exactly all I do anymore.

Why can't you just love me for me? 

I know I have problems that you have to deal with too, but it's the same for both of