Everyday Thoughts. by Gabby Follin (ebook offline reader txt) 📕

Things said can’t be taken back.

But the words can be forgiven.

They are memories but just like memories, they will be remembered.

However, the both of us said things.

All we can do is forgive each other for the things we said.

Talk it through, make sure the different words said are noted.

All I ever asked was for you to listen to me.

Granted, not every piece of advice I give will work but it’s worth a try.

I only ask you to try because I’ve been through what you have.

Wouldn’t you consider me an expert?

Never did I want to see you hurt or sad.

But what was I going to do?

I can sit here now and say I’m sorry.

But the words I said were only stated for reasons.

We should discuss it.

Talk it through.

Did you mean your words?

From my own personal perspective I’m thinking no…

Either way.

We can forgive.

Those words will stay in place, they shall not move.

But love is far more powerful than a couple of words.

If this friendship continues, soon the words will be forgotten.

They won’t stay in place forever.

It was never meant to be this way.

The constant validation and need for reassurance.

Excuses could be given but that would be fickle.

Constant worry about your love in your heart for me.

Only because I wasn’t loved enough.

I trust you, I feel like I can trust you.

But damage has been done, it is a hard subject to declare.

Someday these little acts of paranoia and assurance will make sense.

But for now I will keep you in the dark.

Only to keep you safe, keep you bright.

To think of me as perfect.

What keeps you sane?

When your fingertips dance with razor blades while everyone sleeps soundly?

Hands rubbing down your skin, kissing over your black lace trim?

Vivid dreams of a future that you wish to have?

What does it for you?

Will you even remember this in the morning?

Drugs circulate your bloodstream, you’re very tired aren’t you?

Of course you are, we all know what you’ve been through.

But what keeps you sane?

Do you even know?

Do these words sprawled out over a digital page help you cope?

Please just tell me.

Whether you choose to or not, figure out a way to stay sane.

 Today was a pretty bad day. 

I was contemplating whether or not I should write. 

But either way I didn't really care, not today I didn't. 

I was dumped today. 

6 months is gone now. 

I just wrote a little thing about it.

Drowning my sorrows away with the consumption of various sugars, only because you have left once again.

In my mind, the strong feelings of my doubts of being true grows stronger, and today has confirmed them.

Never meant to be doubtful about you but my doubts are here to stay, they don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon.

Was I too much? Or was it the fact you were too much?

All of it are assumptions considering no reasons were given regarding the sole fact you were leaving again.

“It’s nothing.” Clearly, it was something.

You never seemed to take me seriously, and in the end, our relationship wasn’t serious.

I was convinced you were using me as a toy, just to get by without being lonely.

For me, it feels to be that way.

Only a couple tears fell from my cheek for you, and more plan to come when the time is appropriate.

Today was a bad day.

And that fact was known.

But I assume you didn’t care by your actions and your wording along with it.

I’m sure you’ll be fine without me, you seemed to have left easily enough.

In my mind, I don’t expect you to come back anytime soon as you did the last.

I was convinced I liked your beating heart more than you did mine.

Difficulties gripping the thought of not getting a good morning text anymore hurts me, I had always looked forward to it.

I stayed up late at night in case you would need me or couldn’t sleep, sometimes you did.

I feel I did my best as being your partner, but if I didn’t, nothing was said regarding it.

Only I can think of your possible reasonings and maybe the possibility of you showing back up.

You did last time because you missed me too much.

Will it be the same this time?

My love is given away too carelessly. 

It's like the word basically has no meaning to it anymore. 

First it was for you, that sexy Itialian accent brought me in, it was attractive, you were attractive. Then it was the sweet words that fell from your lips. Your voice was so convincing I really thought you meant them. Wasn't sure if it was the jealousy or low self-esteem, but you cried and cried to me and left me with that last memory of you. 

Second, it was him. That long dark brown hair that almost looked black, I remembered it when I first saw you in the hallway. I thought you were handsome, and my heart fluttered every time you walked next to my presence. Too nervous to say hi to you in person, I was the one to send you that first text. It was two weeks before we decided to meet, we said to find each other at the park next to the old highschool. We talked, and talked, and talked some more. Then I put my hand in between us and you put your hand on mine. I felt like my heart was going to implode. We caressed each others hands until the goosebumps were at full extent. He took me home, introduced me to his mother and sister. We left, he took me to a stadium. It was locked, we sat on the outside of it, at the concrete dip they made at each corner. I thought I loved him. The next weekend, he came to my house. We met at the park again so I could show him to my residence. We held hands all the way there, smiled and laughed. He met my parents, didn't seem to stay long, we were too focused on going to my empty room. We were on my bed, listening to music not saying a word. Only eyes were open, directed at each others faces. He took his hand and put it on my cheek and whispered, "kiss me." That was my first kiss. He was my first everything. The only thing is, I only thought he was my first love.

Now we're down to you. All I can remember now is when we first started to text each other. We would pronounce each others names in all caps back and forth to each other, for some reason that was the start of it all. I loved your name, you said it was ordinary. The first time I heard your voice and saw your face, it was like waking up in the morning with the window shades open, being blinded by the sun. Deep voice and sharp jawline had me gooey and soft. You were a determined man, you wanted to join the army. You were hard, but also had a soft spot. A soft spot for me. I adored you, I fell over you so hard. As time passed I became more and more paranoid I liked your beating heart more than you did mine. I was correct, all my doubts came to life as you left without even giving me a single drop of reason. 

As I think about these men, they were the only ones I think I truely felt something for. Of course there were more, but I will not give them an ounce of words. 

I hope they keep me in their heart. Only because they're still in mine.