Everyday Thoughts. by Gabby Follin (ebook offline reader txt) 📕

Don't tell me I'm a burden, that I'm so ungrateful for everything done for me. 

I am more than grateful. 

I'm fucking esctatic about this life you gave to me. 

I don't love it, but I'm willing. 

Isn't that enough? 

Being careful, pulling my weight, trying to be whatever you pictured me to be. 

I try, isn't that enough? 

The good grades, the chore completion, etc etc, I could go on about everything I try and do every single living day for you. 

I feel like I'm never enough. No matter what I do. There's always something to be angry about, and I get to be the punching bag. 

Can't you all just talk to each other?

Stop handing me your unwanted secrets for me to keep somewhere in my brain. 

It scratches at the edges, begging to come out. 

All I do is rant and never get anywhere. 

Maybe it's no good. 

Maybe it's just time to accept that this is it. 

This is who I am to these people, and that's all I'll ever be. 

Nothing more, nothing less. 

Just live with them until you can finally live with yourself. 

That's a start. 

 I'm sorry I need to write. 

I can't get you off my mind, you have been in there for a while. 

In the front, plain in view so I can always think about you. 

It's almost been a year but it feels as if I just met you. 

Like I'm totally infatuated with someone I barely know, but I know you. 

I know you but there's a lot I don't know. 

And I just wanna say, I'm willing to stay and find out. 

I feel like we could be something. 

Something simple, something intricate, something lovely. 

I wanna be something. 

As long as it's with you, I can't think of anything better. 

I hope you stick around, by the looks of it, you are. 

I always wonder why you like me, but I remember you telling me you wonder the same thing. 

Is what I'm thinking of the same as what you think of?

I wanna ask. I wanna be around you all the time. 

I want to feel your bare skin against mine, I wanna kiss your lips. 

God, I think I'm in love with you. 

Is this what it's supposed to feel like? 

I've never properly fell in love with anyone before. 

Not like this. Meaning, I've never felt this way for anyone before. 

I don't know what I'm trying to say really. 

I just can't seem to get you off my mind. 

I hope this isn't something short. 

I want you to be around for a while, maybe more if it comes to that. 

I wonder if you feel the same way about me. 

I hope so. I hope. 

Darkness of the night sky is even darker tonight, more clear than ever. 

Letting all it’s secrets twinkle in the sky as if it’s tired of hiding them away. 

The heart slightly visible in the background of all the twinkling lights. This part of the galaxy that we call home. 

This sky reminds my head a lot about you. 

Your secrets are usually hidden by the lack of darkness the moon seems to take away. 

Memories of bad experiences cloud your sparkles that appeal in this almost black like background. 

Feelings are kept behind this shield of anger, nothing seems to get through this rock solid surface. 

Moments, only moments it seems as if none of that exists. 

It is so clear, every part of you is visible. 

The trueness of your being, the sweetness and love that is within your heart. 

I can see it all, and it is so much easier to understand your solid surface. 

Your true intentions, feelings, and morals are all so clear. 

The entire slate presenting the whole truth behind the rollercoaster of your actions and opinions. 

All of that is worth moments like this. 

My heart enjoys your presence of whichever being you present, good or bad. 

But these are my favorite. 

It is a definite reminder of your feelings on the thought of my being. 

Like a breath of fresh air circulating through my mental system. 

Feels like my body could calm down from all the insecurities and over-thoughts that had gone through my brain. 

That night sky has always reminded me of you, ever since my new residence became this place. 

My head begs for these moments, but it is so much better not having this luxury every single day. 

I never want to take it for granted, keep it rare for me darling. 

Hearing your feelings of love towards me every once in a while feels so much more special than hearing it so often. 

I feel so close to you when we have these moments. 

No filter, true and utter feelings and secrets out in the open for us both to see. 

A time for us to bond and fall even deeper within each other. 

We have something scarce within this world today. 

I will do whatever it takes to attempt to keep it alive. 

Even though your presence will vanish for quite some time, the thought of you will not leave my heart. 

You are something else I must say. 

But it is exactly for me.

Everything seems to have changed. 

All those sweetly written words that were wrote just about you have vanished.

Nothing that I attempt to do to pull you closer works, only pushes you away if anything…

I know who you are, the things you enjoy, how you're private, what your life has consisted of, and your hopes and dreams. 

But I'm not very confident its important enough to know even more. 

Have you drifted away too far from me?

Considering how much of a light you have been for my life this past year, never do I want to say it might be for the best. 

But maybe it is. 

You still bring me joy as much as you did in the beginning, but I'm sensing heavily that it isn't the same for you anymore. 

I understand why you are the way you are. 

But I'm me. 

Do you know me? 

I'm very affectionate, talking over everything is all I do, I'm kind and empathetic, and my doubts get the best of me. 

Am I only doubting this relationship? 

Better question: are you?

Sitting in my bed, writing out the troubles I'm having with us, trying to process it all. 

When it should be us talking about it right now. 

I never push, I'm always thinking about your feelings. 

But it seems as if you aren't about mine. 

All i want is a couple sentences for clarity. 

Whether it's you breaking my heart or professing your love! 

I don't care! Just talk to me. 

What is it? 

Tell me now or lose me forever. 

Do you think about me a lot? If the answer is yes, what comes to mind right after?

Seems like you do and I don’t blame you. 

I think about you too. 

And I miss you. 

But all I want are answers to why you hurt me like that. 

Why you betrayed me behind my aching back. 

Just wish it were more simple, and that you were less of the way you are. 

More honest, less of a backstabber, more willing, not so much of an ignorer. 

Granted, I’m not perfect either, but at least I can admit it. 

At least I can say I’m sorry and never try to blame it on something other than me just being an asshole. 

I miss you and all, but if this is going to work, we need a long hard talk. 

Filled with honesty and truthfulness. 

That’s just me however. 

Who knows what’s swimming through your brain.

 It is now the day that you were born 19 years ago. 

An unknowingly amazing person had enetered the world, and now look at you. 

You are so very dear to my heart, and I'm glad you have stayed in this unforgiving world. 

All I can say is that I love you. 

Because I do. 

It's been you this whole time, and... I don't want that to change. 

I hope we last, through anything and everything that we have to go through. 

Seems like we're doing a pretty good job if you ask me, otherwise why would we still be here with each other. 

I wish you a happy birthday, Lulu. 

Stay determind, keep going. 

Don't give up.