Shadows of the Past by Kayla Stiles (buy e reader txt) 📕

Not Welcome

8/23/13

You constantly scream and shout at me to do everything,

Yet you never yell at William.

You threaten to kick me out of the house,

A house where I have not felt at home in years.

A house where I feel like the outsider,

The outcast, an intruder.

I constantly feel like I’m the intruder in that house.

I don’t feel welcome. Don’t feel at home.

I feel like you no longer really care about me.

Like I no longer really belong in that house.

I feel like I’m an outsider looking in.

My family doesn’t feel like MY family anymore.

William is the only thing holding me back now from leaving.

I don’t want to leave him alone with your foul attitude.

I don’t want to leave him alone in that house,

Where he won’t have me there to help when he needs the help.

I’m tired of pretending like everything is ok.

I’m tired of putting on a fake smile every day

Just to appease your spirit and make it seem

Like there’s nothing truly wrong.

Make it seem like there isn’t a war going on inside my head.

I’m tired of hiding what I really feel.

Yet, every time I’ve tried talking to you about how I feel in that house,

You always get overly upset and instantly say that I should move out then.

I’m tired of the fights and the anger.

I just want to be happy in my life.

I want you to be happy that I’m happy and doing well.

I want to be able to do all the things you want me to do.

But I’m petrified of driving, no one will hire me, and I can’t be the perfect daughter

For you.

I can’t be that perfect prissy daughter who does everything perfectly.

It’s not who I am. And I refuse to pretend to be someone I’m not

Just to appease you.

I want you to be able to see me as I really am,

And love me for that.

But you just can’t, can you?

You can’t accept me for who I am because who I am isn’t who you want me to be.

I’m not perfect. I don’t get perfect grades.

I don’t have a job because no one will even give me a second glance.

I’m not a clean freak like you.

Sorry that I can’t be like you. Sorry that I’m not YOU.

I don’t WANT to be you though.

I am my own person and your life isn’t the life I want to live.

I’m sorry that I can’t fit into your standards of how and who I should be.

I guess I never will fit your standards.

I guess I’ll never really be acceptable in your eyes.

I’ll always be the outcast, the black sheep,… the intruder.

No matter how hard I try, I’ll never make you proud of me.

I wish I could. That’s all I want is to make you proud of your own daughter.

But, for some reason, I always seem to fall short.

William is perfect in your eyes and can’t seem to do any wrong.

At least, that’s how you perceive him as.

I’m always the wrongdoer, the liar, the brat.

I’m always the one who isn’t wanted, the one who isn’t asked about.

You always tell me, “Actions speak louder than words.”

Well, follow your own words.

Because, frankly, your actions half the time tell me that you hate me.

That you hate how I live my life and hate who I am as a person.

Everyone always wonders why I hate on myself and call myself mean names and stuff.

Well, I think I found the answer finally.

It’s because of you. Because of how you treat me.

I feel like such an outsider in my own home,

The place where I’m supposed to feel at peace,

That it’s affected me negatively.

It’s made me feel like I don’t belong anywhere

And that I don’t deserve to be happy with anyone.

Well, that is done and over with.

I have found out the reason why I am so disgusted with myself,

And that is going to stop.

You want me out of your hair? Fine.

As soon as I can find somewhere to go,

I’ll be gone. I’ll be done with your anger and disgust in me.

I just need to find somewhere else to move to,

And then I’ll let you be to your own life.

I’m tired of being your pin cushion,

Your toy voodoo doll that you pick and stab at

Every chance you get.

I’m tired of being the one you take all your anger out on.

It’s time for someone else to take up that role.

Take out your anger on Al, or yourself for all I care.

Just quit taking it all out on me.

I’ve been strong for 14 years now.

I don’t know how much longer I can be strong and “just deal with it.”

If dad does move back here to Tucson,

And I still have nowhere to go,

I will move in with him so I’m out of your hair finally.

I know that he’ll show me what a real home truly feels like.

What it feels like to be an actual family.

I miss my father, I love him.

And that’s another thing that I quarrel with you about.

It’s been 14 years. It’s been long enough to hold hatred in your heart.

IT’S TIME TO BURY THE HATCHET.

It’s time to learn to forgive him and actually learn to MOVE ON.

I’m tired of being made the sacrificial lamb all because

You still hold a lot of hatred and anger towards him.

It’s time to move on with your life and learn to forgive.

I love my father very much.

I’m glad he’s back in my life finally.

And this time, I will not let him leave my life prematurely.

I love you mom. But you need to relax,

And stop being so harsh on me for things I can’t always control.

Opposite Forces

3/24/09

Sin and Salvation,
Joy and Sorrow,
Love and Hate,
Power and Weakness.
All these opposites;
Yet always clicked together.
Don’t get the differences yet?
Here are a few more to convince you.
Peace and Unquiet,
Awake and Asleep,
Comfort and Agony,
Human and Monstrosity,
Alive and Dead.
Catch my drift yet?
Cutting and Not Cutting,
Gushing Blood and Not,
Screaming in Depressed Agony and Sitting Calmly on a Couch with Your Boyfriend.
This is how the world appears through my eyes.
Everything in opposites, each negative opposite attracted to me.
Never a freedom do I own,
Never a right way do I see.
War and Peace are practically the same thing.
Love and Hate have no differences.
Neither Life nor Death holds purpose or fortune.
All opposite forces appear the same through my eyes.
Opposite Forces…are Evil.

The Pain of Life

The most painful, slow death cannot compare;
The longest-dragged-out torture is just play in
Comparison.
Being buried alive in a pit of fire ants is
Pure bliss.
Being burned at the stake is full of comfort.
Heaven makes me sob from an unnerving
Feeling of unease.
Hell hath no ease. Only unboundaried pain.
Love holds no peace, no escape from agony.
Hate relieves the pain, but also only heightens it.
This is, the pain of life.

The Past

11/24/13

2:16 a.m.

The past. It often catches up to us when we least expect it.

The past. It often pops up when we don’t want it to.

It’s that dark shadow that crosses the room

At the edges of your peripherals.

It’s that tiny voice in the back of your mind,

Speaking in soft tones of times long gone.

The past is that small inkling of recognition you get

When you cross paths with someone you once

Held dear and close to your heart.

It’s that feeling you get in your heart,

That feeling of emptiness,

And deep longing for comfort and replacement.

But you can’t replace what’s already gone.

You can’t lose a friend and have someone else take their place.

You can’t lose a girl,

A girl you held so close to your heart that it hurt to let her go,

And just find someone else to fill the gaping hole she left behind.

You fall in love,

Not always only once in your lifetime,

And not always with someone of the opposite gender.

You fall in love,

And you lose your chance with that one that you love.

But you can’t get that chance back.

And you remain good friends with that person.

And yet, society frowns down upon you if,

God forbid,

You become jealous when you see her out with another girl.

When she replies to others’ messages and not your own.

When she posts that she’s so happy,

Thanks to someone that’s not you,

And it breaks your heart to see these things.

It breaks your heart to realize that you lost your chance.

That now it’s time for someone else to take your place.

Time for someone else to take the place you left behind,

Empty and isolated.

It hurts to see her laughing, smiling, holding hands

With another young woman.

But all you can really do is sit back and watch,

Tell her you’re happy for her and let it be.

Because, how dare you get upset over her being with someone else.

How dare you be upset over the fact that, of all the criteria she’s told you

About her girlfriend needing to be,

You fit the bill almost perfectly.

How dare you feel hurt and isolated

From your first true love,

From your very first good relationship.

I mean, it’s not like she loved you back or anything.

It’s not like she wanted you back as much as you wanted her.

It’s not like you two had so much in common

That you felt a heat wave of a connection tying you together.

It’s not like you were always there, always waiting,

Waiting for a chance to win her back,

To be the one she’s been waiting for to make her happy again.

Even if only for a temporary amount of time.

It’s not like you loved her…

And told her of your love time and time again.

No. It’s not like any of that happened.

Even