Shadows of the Past by Kayla Stiles (buy e reader txt) 📕

I Miss You

10/8/13

8:56 pm

I don’t miss you,

But yet I miss YOU.

I miss the way things used to be,

When we were starting high school and were

The best of friends.

When we could tell each other anything,

And felt like we could be anything.

When we talked of always staying best friends.

When we talked of always being there for one another.

I miss YOU.

But not the you who you’ve become now.

No, not the you that you now are.

I miss the you that you once were,

Before you got stung by the wasp of change.

And you became someone completely different,

Someone completely despised by many.

I miss YOU. But not you now.

Not the you who decided you suddenly hated me,

Not the you who suddenly thought it’d be ok

To start using people for your own personal gain,

To start betraying your supposed friends

And talking shit behind their backs.

I miss YOU.

The you I used to have sleepovers with,

The you I used to do make up with

And dress up and have little photo shoots with.

The you who used to always be there for me in my times of need,

Whom I used to be there for as well.

I miss YOU.

The one whom I used to call my best friend, my sister even!

The one whom I used to be so damn close to,

It hurt to leave your side for too long.

The one who told me that she’d be my surrogate.

The one who shared her life with me.

I miss YOU.

You, who used to always have my back in a fight.

Who used to always be there, my shoulder to cry on,

With warm arms to enfold me in comforting hugs,

With kind words to appease my fears.

I miss YOU.

My first girlfriend, my first kiss with the same sex,

My first almost everything with a girl.

You who sat there when I was upset and held me

And told me everything would be ok.

You, whose house I ran to when I ran away from home that one night.

I miss YOU.

The one who I always imagined spending my days with,

Sitting side by side when we’re old ladies,

Talking about the old days when we were young and youthful.

The one I always thought would stay my friend for the rest of my days.

My buddy, my friend, my ex-girlfriend,… my sister.

I miss YOU.

But not the monster that you’ve now become.

No, never the monster that you’ve become.

I miss the you who used to be you.

The you I fell so hard for and attached so adherently to.

I miss you, but you don’t miss me.

So this is how it has to be.

Separated for all time,

No longer even able to call one another so much as acquaintances.

I miss you. I just wish you’d finally grow the fuck up,

And finally miss me again.

I Need You

6/5/13

The tears stream down my face, as the razor blades used to ride over my arms a couple years ago.

He’s gone now. Only wants me as a friend.

Says he misses me. Says he still loves me. He still cares.

I don’t know what to really believe anymore…

My heart is shattered. My mind is destroyed.

My thoughts keep leading back to him and it makes me feel sick.

I’ve been crying since about 10 Monday night.

On and off, on and off.

It never goes away, this feeling of hopelessness.

This feeling of being alone.

This neverending feeling of loss and disappointment..

I’m alone now. With no arms of comfort to surround me.

At least not from the one whose arms I want around me.

I can’t earn any more kisses from the one whose kisses I ache for.

I cry for the warmth of the man whose love I need.

I cry for the love in his arms,

The care in his hugs and kisses and words.

I don’t know how I screwed up so bad.

All I wanted was his affection, his love.

And now, because of a few stupid fights,

I’ve lost all hope of gaining that back.

I miss him so much, it makes me sick to my stomach.

But I can’t get him back. He won’t let me come back to him.

He left, and now he says that, even though he misses me,

Even though it hurts him to be without me,

He can’t come back to me.

All because of some stupid little fights…

All because of my own stupidity…

I love this man more than I love life.

Hell, he is my life, my world.

And now he’s gone. And I can barely see through my tears.

I can say this all I want:

I’m fine. It only hurts to breathe.

But there’s an error with that..

And that is that I’m not fine…

I don’t think I will be for a long while, if at all.

I have friends who love me, a guy who loves me.

But I can’t seem to make myself turn to them…

I love him. I truly do. And that will never change.

I can’t move on in my life without him…

I kept all our pictures together…

All the things he gave me…

But does it all really matter? Not really…

I don’t want memories of him and I,

If they’re only going to destroy me more.

I want him by my side again.

I want his warm, loving arms around me again.

His gentle kiss on my forehead.

His strong hand in mine..

I want him back.

But he doesn’t want me back the same way…

Why, Goddess, why?

Why do you give me angels,

Just to take them away from me when I need them most?

Why do you enjoy seeing me die inside?

I love you, Edward Shubael Dimmick.

I just want you back. I want you to see how much I love you…

But I guess you don’t want to see it…

You gave me hope for a happier love…

You freed me from my depression.. and now you’re gone…

This hurts too much to bear…

Just One Favor

Can I ask you for just one favor?
As you walk out that door in anger.
I know I made a stupid mistake.
I fucked up bad and now is the price,
I am to pay. I am to lose you
Forever. Never will I see you
Again. You’re disgusted with me now.
You flinch from my attempted touches,
As I reach out to you once again.
The tears flow freely from my dead eyes.
My anguished screams pierce through the still air.
Your open palm flies across my face.
Your fist, clenched tight, slams into the wall
By my head, leaving a giant hole.
I cower over in a corner
My hands over my face, crying hard.
Your shouting voice, a knife in my heart.
“You stupid bitch! How could you do that
To me? I loved you! How can you dare?!”
My screams and sad attempts to explain
Are drowned out by your own enraged voice.
You slam me into the wall, hands on
My wrists, spraying spit into my face.
The words and fur fly, and the tears pour.
Mad with rage, you pack up all your stuff.
I block the door, your exit from the
Room we shared, the bed we made love in.
You were always so good to me, why’d
I ever go to that party?
I got wasted and laid in the same night.
By the same person, he wasn’t you.
You shove me out of the way and scream:
“You stupid whore! You’ve lost me for good!”
I beg you to wait, to stay with me.
You push me away and throw me down
To the ground. As I lay there, sobbing,
You take one last look at my tear-stained
Face, my pleading eyes. Sadly, you shake
Your head and walk out that door forever.
But before you go I ask of you,
Just grant me one last little favor:
If you ever think of me, miss me.
If you ever think to call, please don’t.
If you see me when you look at her,
Keep that sweet image within your heart.
Do whatever, but if you ever miss me,
Do me just one favor: come back home.
When she stops loving you, come back to me.
For I will always be here, waiting
For your return, my arms opened wide.
I’ll always love you, no matter what.
So please, when you’re ready, return to me.

Last Official Day For Senior Year (Graduation 2 days from now)

5/21/13

Written in 6th period

I don’t know what to say right now.

I might have to go the next 2 days

Without Ed here at school,

The days that I might actually

Really need him near.

For I fear that I may come to the realization

Within these next 2 days

That I’m graduating and I may not see

Some of my friends again.

Also, I won’t ever see my teachers again,

Those adults who stayed in my life

And helped me push through my academic struggles.

I’m going to be so hurt these next 2 days,

And the one person I need to be there for me

Isn’t going to even be there.

15-20 minutes later…

I just broke down in the hallway,

The realization that, for once in my life,

I’m stepping out into the world

With no game plan and no idea of my next steps,

No guidance as to what to do.

I’m terrified of disappointing my mom greatly.

But, much more than that, I’m terrified

Of disappointing myself.

I have goals and wishes for my future,

But, if I find I can’t fulfill those goals and wishes

To the fullest, I fear I’ll be totally crushed.

I hold high expectations for myself,

And, since I often find myself unable to

Reach these expectations,

I often tear myself down for it.