Harder to Hold by D'razhane Woods (brene brown rising strong .txt) 📕

I find it difficult having to stare into his eyes. Every time I do, it's like he's taking every part of me into his heart and it's overwhelming. I hate that it has to be this way as much as I love him, but he has a girlfriend and believe it or not, she happens to be my best friend. The sick thing is, I know how much she loves him because he's all she talks about. I get all there is to know about Graves and how he makes her feel first hand to a now intimate personal level as if he was my own, and it's slowly killing me inside each and every day.

 Kara is like the older sister I never got to have. She has looked out for through the toughest times and has made sure that I don't get hurt by anything or anyone. It would shatter her heart if she found out about me and Graves and I wish I could take it all back. This goes beyond the ultimate betrayal and I know that she'll never forgive me. I can't let that happen.

 "Malorie..." Graves whispers in protest against my lips, realizing that I'm not in sync with his mystical movements.

 I pry his hands from my waist and stubbornly fold my arms across my chest, trying to get a hold of my racing heart rate. "I don't think I can do this anymore."

 He looks at me, his glowing orange eyes searching my expression. "What?"

 "This." I motion my hands back and forth between us. "Us. It's...It's killing me," I force to admit regretting every second of it, but I can't find myself to stop.

 His eyes suddenly darken in disappointment. "Why not?"

 I give him a look and breathe out a shaky breathe. "You know exactly what I'm taking about. Kara is my best friend, YOUR girlfriend. We can't keep doing this to her.

 He takes a step forward as if there's too much space between us. "It'll get better I promise, just please...not now."

 I stare back at him with confusion. "What do you mean not now?" As if there's a set time limit as to when this should have happened. It should have never started in the first place.

 He takes my hands into his and I notice the hard bobble of his adams apple as he swallows. "Mal, I love you."

 I'm frozen into shock and replay the words that just came out of his mouth over and over in my head. I can't count how many days or how many nights I've dreamed for him to say those three simple words. Or maybe I am just dreaming again and I'll wake up to face reality soon, but this is all too real. Never once did I think this would happen and as much as I tried to prevent it, here it is presenting itself to me from thick nervous lips. I thought his heart would always stay with Kara and this thing with me was just lust and confusion between what he wants. Now I'm having second thoughts. I open my mouth to say something, but words seem to fail me.

 Graves' hands move to the middle of my back and slightly pushes me forward to plant a sweet gentle to kiss to my lips, and I want to move away but my mind is so all over the place it's not sending the right messages to my body so I stay frozen. I almost give in to the kiss, but thoughts of Kara fills my head and I grab his shoulders and force him back. "No," I finally say. "You can't love me. You love Kara. That's the way it's sup-" His lips find mine again, unwilling me to speak.

 He backs me up against his closed door as his hands cup my face and merely pulls away to look pleadingly into my eyes. "I'm not ready to lose you."

 I blink away the tears that threaten to take over and keep myself composed. "What about Kara?"

 "Do you love me?"

 I hesitate. "That's not the point. Kara would give anything up for me and I need to the same for her."

 "Does it matter if I would give anything up for you?"

 I frown, unsure of how to answer him. "Don't do this, you know why this is wrong. I'm sick of trying to keep a secret from everyone that I know. I'm tired of having to sneak around just to be with you. I'm starting to think I'm two different people and I don't even know who I am anymore." The tears are coming back, keep yourself together Malorie. Don't break down.

 He roughly slides his hand down across his face in frustration. "I can't help what I feel. How many times do I gotta tell you I love you until it changes your mind?" There's little humor in his voice.

 Even during some of the most worst moments he still tries to brighten the mood. One of the best qualities I cherish most about him. I sigh and stand on the tips of my toes to meet my head with his even if it does just come up to his eyebrows and close my eyes. I breathe in his sweet masculine scent and savor the moment and then take a step back. He looks at me with such heart break in his eyes it does something to my stomach that makes me want to throw up. He's hurting and I hate the fact that I'm the that has caused it. I softly peck his cheek and the second I walk out of his room, tears recklessly spill down my face. I nearly run out of his house to my car and speed home cause these tears aren't helping my vision down the road. Thankfully, I make it to my destination all in one piece.

 Tallah sees me walk in and immediately notices the condition I'm and rushes to my aid from the kitchen. "Oh sweetie what happened?" She asks in that memorable soft tone, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

 I shrug my mom off and dash up the stairs to my room, shutting and locking the door behind me. I plop down onto my queen sized bed and bury my face into my pillow, refusing to hold back any longer. I sob all of my emotions out of my system. Doing the right thing has never hurt this bad.

 The first time Graves and I knew we wanted to be together, we were in drama class doing a school play for Romeo and Juliet. As cliche as it sounds, our leading roles were becoming more and more realistic and there was no denying the emotional connection shared between the two of us. After the first kiss, we couldn't take it back. I tried pulling myself away from him after the play, but with him dating Kara and Kara being my best friend, there was no getting rid of him. Soon enough we started sneaking around and neither of us could help it. I am relieved though to not have to lie to Kara anymore. There were excuses on top of another and I'm honestly surprised she hasn't caught on. Although I'm free from all the deception Graves and I created, I'm going to miss every single thing about him. I'm never going to forget his gentle touch or how his kissed made me feel. The warmth of his body against mine...

 There's a soft knock on the door and I hear Tallah's voice on the other side. "Sweetheart, open the door."

 I'm not in the mood to talk to her right now. She's way too...giddy and she's only going to lecture me about the wrongs and rights of life that I'm going to have to face and give me that signature kiss on the side of my chin. Not even on some other day.

 "Please?" She begs. "I have some exciting news to tell you. It's about Klayton." She's such a terrible liar.

 I groan at the mention of my brother. The most popular -and handsome- guy in school. Oh why me? People are always in denial on if he's actually my brother or not as if they really couldn't tell the difference because they're too ignorant to pay attention. Yeah so what that he perfectly tanned caramel skin and dark luxurious brown eyes. Who cares about his brown wavy hair that's always shiny in comparison to mine and his bright magazine worthy smile that every girl dies for. If it weren't for the fact that he had joined football, he wouldn't have the bulky body and defined cheek bones. Whatever.

 I'm proud of my light brown eyes and thick wavy reddish brown hair that's only frizzy when I don't straighten it. I like my wide awkward smile that makes me look shy all the time. I'm lucky enough too keep the petite body I have considering the fact that all food is my favorite food and I have a good skin complexion too, caramel like Klayton's but not as tan. My cheeks are pretty rosy and I'm especially grateful for that because it's my proven factor to others that I have some attractive qualities too dammit. Besides Kara and Graves I'm a non-factor to everyone else and we have Klayton to thanks for that, allowing everyone to think that I'm some crazy weird bimbo and to piss me off so much I actually gave them a reason to believe so.

 "Not today mom!" I yell through my pillow.

 "You do realize that I could easily stick a penny in the lock and unlock the door myself, right?" She warns.

 I groan and reluctantly climb out of bed to open the door. Cynthia looks at me with a sad expression and hold out her arms. "Lets hug it out."

 I only stare at her. "Why are you always doing this? If someone were to punch you in the face, would you still want to hug them?" I don't bother hiding my annoyance.

 "Hey, don't get smart mouthed with me, I'm only trying to help. Besides, haven't I taught you never to use violence?" She gracefully walks into my room and sits down onto my bed, patting the spot next to her.

 I roll my eyes and sit down beside her as instructed, avoiding eye contact.

 "Now tell me what's wrong."

 I don't answer.

 "Tell me what's wrong or you'll just be moping around all day."

 I shake my head. "I don't want you to think that I'm a bad person.

 "I could never think you're a bad person," she says, truly offended. "You can tell me anything and you know that."

 I release a shaky breath before coming to my decision. She's right and I gotta give her that. She's the last person I would ever think would be judgemental about anything, she sees the good in everyone, and that's what I love the most about my mom. "You know Graves Dawson right?"

 She smiles as she recognizes the name. "Of course I do. He's such a sweet young man. Kara is lucky to have him."

 A sharp pain stabs at my heart. "I know but...we've been sneaking around." I bow my head in shame.

 Tallah clucks her teeth and shakes her head, "Oh no sweetheart."

 Tears leave my eyes all over again. "I didn't mean to! We were doing a play and we...we just...kissed!"

 "How long has this been going on?"

 I hesitate, unwilling to admit how long it's actually been, not even to myself. "Three months."

 Her hazel eyes slightly widen. "That's a long time," she says distantly. "Are you planning on telling Kara?"

 "No. She'll hate me forever. I just told Graves that we have to stop seeing each other."

 She nods in approval. "That was a good thing to do, but you're going to have to tell her eventually. Maybe she won't be so mad if you tell her the truth, before