Not So Short Shorts by Colin Peterson and George O'Sullivan (classic children's novels .TXT) 📕

phone.] Look at it?

JULIAN Oh, I see. The screen seems to be damaged.

FANNY Says it'll work, that's what he says!

JULIAN I don't know, we'll try though. Let me get my sim.

FANNY Lying junkie.

BUNGUS I'm serious, I'm not lying for once. It's a good phone.

FANNY Bloody lying through his teeth. Still bleeding in there?

BUNGUS No, this book's working wonders, though. It's like blotting paper.

JULIAN[heaves; fumbling changes the SIMs.] Maybe we should have a moment of silence?

FANNY Is it working?

JULIAN Yes, seems to be fine. I'll phone the emergency services.

BUNGUS How about a mate of mine. He's got a sledgehammer and pick axe. He'll be here in a jiffy and sort it.

JULIAN Let's just call the emergency services.

FANNY Fine, fine, just get us out.

JULIAN[dials, listening.]  It works, it's ringing.

BUNGUS I think you owe me an apology lady.

FANNY Well, I'm -

JULIAN Damn, it just cut out. It's dead.

BUNGUS Oh, yeah, the battery's really unpredictable, it does that sometimes. Shit, didn't I tell you?

JULIAN I think I'm going to faint!

FANNY I'm going to bed down then. Don't get all queer you two. They'll be here in the morning.

BUNGUS Mate, I've ruined your book.

JULIAN It's fine. Keep it.

BUNGUS OK, cool.

JULIAN Is it? I can't believe I'm still constipated. I'm going to fall asleep on the bog.

FANNY Leave us a rollie first, dearie?

BUNGUS Yeah, can I have one too.

JULIAN Well, I've only got a couple of papers and those pouches are -

BUNGUS I got more rolling paper. I tried wiping my butt with my rips, but it kept sticking.

JULIAN I see.

BUNGUS Yeah, I tore that part off. It's all clean, no blood, nothing shitty.

JULIAN[hands the tobacco pouch to FANNY.] I'm going to the bog. And what I'm going to achieve in there this time is to make sure I shit.

BUNGUS I thought puking would've helped. You know you get all those carrots and bits of pasta and food in it. don't you? It's all stew like. Some places probably serve it up as food! It's weird though. Saw this website where the porn girls ate puke and -

JULIAN suddenly exits and vomits again.

 

[2] A BRIEF GUIDE TO THE PREHISTORIC STARLIGHT SPIRIT WORLD MACHINE

by O'Sullivan and Peterson

MIMI TISCHO - in her thirties but looks sixty; apparently she's a psychic. With a bad seventies style "Foreign accent" to disguise her real voice. When she slips up, she sounds like she's from Lewisham.

"CHIEF" TITUS WANKUM - in his forties; a fake Native American Indian, possibly an undercover agent on the con. Or is he? Hmmm....

BOB STOCKMAN - in his early twenties, an idealist and is obsessed with the supernatural. He wants to be a vampire but is just a sales operative and shelf- stacker from the convenience store down the road. He is also a part-time vampire. He cannot afford the right clothes for his trends. His fangs are two old plastic clothes pegs.

AUDREY MAY SUSSKIND - in her forties, a lady who puts herself around and latches onto BOB, although she hates the supernatural and wants to destroy it as entertainment. An unlikely person to have really Puritanical views, but she expresses her delusional dogmatism somewhat violently.

Location: Somewhere in a cramped hotel room just off the A1.

SCENE: A seance which is being badly staged.
CHIEF TITUS WANKUM, BOB STOCKMAN and MIMI TISCHO hold hands, chanting. TISCHO, secretly, presses a remote control button and we hear a thud from outside the hotel room.

TISCHO Ve hear schtrange, scho schtrange, vings. Ve err vury sch-aired, sch-aired like loost s-s-schouls! Vear me! (Sings some random little tune, sounds like David Bowie's 'Lady Grinning Soul' mixed with some K-Pop tune.) Ve vear more.(Checking WANKUM'S and STOCKMAN'S eyes, makes sure they're closed and presses a remote where we hear a growl of a beast.) IT GROWLS! IT GROWLS AT MY SCHOOOOOOUL!

WANKUM I don't like the sound of this, Stockman.

STOCKMAN You wanted to test my supernatural powers - I just called your bluff old man!

WANKUM I am only twenty-five years old.

STOCKMAN Exactly you, old man. Well, that's what you say your age is!

WANKUM Spiritually, I do not age. I am ageless. I'm eternally twenty-five.

STOCKMAN Don't give me that again! I can't tell how you sold me that illegal, oily, snake - but it didn't do a thing for me! I don't think these weird oil mixtures are very environmentally friendly, either. And I kept seeing things after my re-applications! My skin never went toned and pale, just like a vampire.

WANKUM A vampire?

STOCKMAN I'm not just a shelf-stacker; I know a bit about vampires. I want to be one, don't I? I dream about --

WANKUM(yawns) Really? Not another one!

STOCKMAN Yeah, I know what goes on around here. I can feel it. Worms talk to me.

WANKUM We're in a hotel. Where are all these worms?

STOCKMAN I've travelled around the country, haven't I? When I get time off stacking shelves I see vampires everywhere. Don't you? Sometimes, it's rare, but I even see the odd zombie. I've got the entire Twilight saga tattooed on my butt. I used a small font, don't worry. It's symbolic, isn't it? Anyway, Meyer owns my arse. She can do what she wants with it.

WANKUM That's nothing too unusual these days. And I know what you mean about seeing the odd zombie, though. They've drained our souls. Corporatism and population control. Too many Operation Just Causes. The People need their own cartel. A cartel that the rich minority with everything can't control. The masses need demons! And Bob: don't knock shelf-stacking; many would cut their hand off to have a cosy, no-brainer number like that these days.

TISCHO(forgetting her fake accent.) Don't you cockheads know this is a bloody seance?

WANKUM We're paying for it, aren't we? Let us be, lady. Keep on divining, wise woman.

TISCHO I'm not going to fucking Camelot! It's a disgrace to my profession, isn't it?

WANKUM Haven't you just changed your voice?

TISCHO Oh yeah. Well, I was possessed by a benign spirit at the start.

WANKUM Sounds bad - how it get out of you?

TISCHO By spiritual purging, of course.

WANKUM Sounds painful. Let's hope it wasn't a backdoor spirit! (STOCKMAN stifles a laugh.) I may be able to help you with that purging, though. You have a bad back?

TISHCO Yes, as it happens, I do. It's all this travelling around to all these shitty little arts fayres and crafts thingies. It's so boring at times, I need to learn how to cold read. That's where the money is now. Seances are a bit too cutesy now. I blame Psychic Sally, Yvette Fielding and Derek Acorah.

WANKUM Get a job in the museum then?

TISCHO Bloody cheek! I had a gig like that once: London Dungeon. Second wench. It was OK, until they gave me the chop. Oh yeah, the seance has ended now. We've ruined the mood anyway.

STOCKMAN Can you tell me how to be a vampire?

TISCHO Yes. Lay off the acid for breakfast.

STOCKMAN I don't need breakfast - I work in a convenience store. You know, one of those petrol station supermarkets? And, to be honest with you, I always thought breakfast was for those evil anti-masturbators.

TISCHO I don't need your life story, I know it all. It's shit, like everyone elses!

WANKUM She's good, isn't she? You want to buy my oiled snake?

STOCKMAN Oh my Sweet Lord - you just can't help yourself! Can you?(WANKUM shrugs, smirking.) That's an awful joke - snake oil shoots out of it, right? I suppose your snake has very milky oil when it's rubbed?

WANKUM Shut it you - I'm the spiritual detective here! I'm from my tribe.

STOCKMAN Tribe? The Church Lane Crew is not a 'tribe', you fool. You're a phony, just admit it! You promised me mind bending experiences!

WANKUM No, I never! I said open your mind and read widely. You should lay off the hard stuff.

STOCKMAN But I love Retard X!

WANKUM What?

STOCKMAN I suppose I should revoke my licence to live anyway. Just let me take my mouthwash!

WANKUM You're not dead yet, Stockman!

TISCHO Easy gentlemen! Time please! At least we're getting things out in the open, right? Now, I said it's over, I've got to --

WANKUM I need you to conduct a ceremony. It must be done immediately. This is my destiny, I have seen it all. I've made a pact with a demon - a dangerous demon called Assisbum and his lower representatives; I need some souls.

TISCHO(laughs.) Ha! Nice try! You can't catch me out!

WANKUM I'm not joking. I'm not just a hack salesman of dodgy cosmetics and herbal remedies; that's just something on the side. I need to free myself; it's part of my birthright.

TISCHO starts crying and clawing at her face, as if plagued by invisible beasts. She drops her remote.

STOCKMAN(to TISCHO) And to think I found you online - everything's reliable online, isn't it? (About to cry.) I really thought you were serious about performance vampire pornography, too!

TISCHO(suddenly stops clawing at her face.) No, I am - that's after hours, sweetie! It becomes a half-hourly charge then.

STOCKMAN(all smiles) Oh, right! Cool!

WANKUM(picking up the remote and making it look like he has a gun.) I can't join your band either, Stockman. I don't think a band called PoofGeektronica will work. It's too conceptual, and trying to hard to be of the time. You do get what I'm saying, don't you? (STOCKMAN shrugs.) It's a more of a bohemian thing.

STOCKMAN But I want to be a vampire! I had a thirty day guarantee! I can't stack shelves and serve pissheads for much longer, I'll go mad. I need an outlet.

WANKUM You're crazy, Stockman. We all are.

STOCKMAN I know, I thought we're all nuts!

WANKUM No, mister, you've got the wrong information! I'm really fucking crazy and I'm going to kill you for my devil!

AUDREY MAY SUSSKIND kicks open the door and smiles. She carries a huge crucifix, with straps fitted to it.

STOCKMAN Audrey? What you doing here? I thought you had a Christian purity ring camp?

AUDREY I did - I just got the porn offers in. What I can't handle though is all this supernatural shit. You know Bob, I hate you being a vampire, you're a shitty looking vampire. Just be Bob Stockman, Bob!(STOCKMAN cries and hugs TISCHO.) You hear me? I love you and I'm doing my career as a porn starlet all for you! I love fucking and I love our fucking God! And I'm going to kill all you demonfuckers who oppose his law!

WANKUM growls, bursts fake blood capsules, not hiding that he's using fake blood capsules.

STOCKMAN You know, Audrey, I watched a porno called 'Pornography' and it had no