Not So Short Shorts by Colin Peterson and George O'Sullivan (classic children's novels .TXT) 📕

this way, mate: how sensitive have people got? I mean, it does happen, where you warn people so they know what to expect, like in South Park, they take it as they like it.Fuckers get warned about offensive stuff and people still moan cos the fuckers are watching it!

STAN It's controversy though - it courts publicity and that's bad but good, right? That's why South Park uses the Manga-system of getting out of it cos it's animated, and it kinda struggles to shock really or have any consistent satirical point sometimes - sometimes it's diamond, real spot on; other times it's got no idea. It's just freedom of speech nihilism; just saying it for the sake of shit. Like all the shit that claims to just highlight shit - it's what soaps do too. What gets me miffed is when someone's got something really crucial to say it's usually banned - or buried somewhere - so no-one can find it! I wonder how many media people complain about media people today? We all know journo's and politicians are lunching together and probably fucking each other. That should be public information. Most journalists think they're elected too! The public don't seem to give a shit about most things on the box these days, though. Unless, it's for kids.

RUFUS I dunno - who complains then?

STAN I suppose insiders or hidden networkers. Other people's People - as they say.(RUFUS shakes his head partly in disbelief and partly due to being baffled.) We know they're all wankers, they all know each other. And maybe some old people - they always get the blame most of the time, but they're not all whingers.

RUFUS But it's good if old folk do moan as then it means lots of people are watching it. It does sound like a conspiracy theory though, mate. Maybe...Fuck knows, who knows? It isn't no science, right? Just bullshit - in varying extremes.

STAN(smirks.) I don't know. Maybe there's more in the theory - bullshit is a very powerful weapon if you're allowed to use it. But you would be safe then - you might get some pissy slot. Loose twats, the breakfast wank sofa - a safe P.C. spot that you can talk, but have to remain safe; add a few buzz words, too. If you're allowed, hint towards being blunt. It's all pretty limiting. I mean all these Channels, all these films we've got now and fuck all really pushing it.What are we really saying now? The odd bit of bullshit optimism, and fuck all else - that's what!

RUFUS(shrugs, looking gutted.) I can't think of anything to say that's half the problem. That Jerry Springer-singalong was safe though - I thought it was meant to be some kids programme, you know, trying to get the brats into opera. Great idea that one - fuck that! Trust the state broadcaster to buy into it, fucking out-dated sell-outs.(STAN laughs, shaking his head.) But Chemical Wedding was so funny - was it meant to be serious? Though I can't wait for more Killer Condom Man. We're fucked-up, aren't we?

STAN(takes a stereotypical "writer's pipe" out of his pocket and puts the pipe in his mouth, pretends to smoke it; tries to look academic but somehow sounds like he's taking the piss out of looking stereotypically academic or as a writer.) Yes, you rotter! I s'pose - we're some different fucked-up generation compared to the majority of these luvvies. They don't like anything too shocking. It's got to be done the middle-class way: talk, talk, talk. Maybe a broken glass or vase...possibly a slap, a quick dangle of jiggly bits, the odd abortion...Or fucking a horse - something quaint like that.

RUFUS I thought you said no class shit.

STAN I'm just using the lingo, mate - everyone knows it's bollocks today; but everyone smart still uses the class warrior lingo to generalise about shit. It's more protected in Britain than the States to be honest; I meant to say the middle-class way is very safe, it's the way of this country. You can slag things off - particularly the middle classes; they love slagging themselves off, right? - as long as you don't stick in any action or go too weird. Or be too truthful about the society we live in. Speak about it, like group therapy; it's the soft way. Just talk and talk. It's like the ad: it's good to talk. Remember it?

RUFUS(checking his mobile phone.) Nope. Shit that's boring, but I bet it's what people want - though they claim to know fuck all! I bet it'll be in some shitty course so some boring lecturer fucker can go on and on about it. It's got me thinking now... How about we do a monologue from the perspective of a zombie-kid? We might be able to make it post-apoc, like Dooms-

STAN I don't know mate. It'll get screwed over and hacked to shit. Before you know it'll be fluff. I reckon because it's a kid - I know we've seen worse before, but you know how it goes.

RUFUS Maybe a thirteen-year-old zombie-kid. I mean I still like to think of myself as youngish; but I've fucked a few yo-

STAN Mate - listen good: you can't stick bad personal experiences into things these days. There's websites for it now.

RUFUS It was mistake, though - I didn't know, honest, I was so fucked at the time. It was my -

STAN Mate, I don't want to know - but we can't do no zombie-kid shit, okay? Avoid it.

RUFUS But it'll be funny!

STAN I think it's been done anyway.

RUFUS Fuck Troma - they think of every fucked-up thing! I still love that chicken-zombie thing!

STAN(laughs, then has a "Eureka" moment, grabs RUFUS.) Unless we do some silence as a commentary on the blandness of the noughhties - didn't the Wombles-bloke do it?

RUFUS What? Just silence? That's nothing!

STAN Yep, we can remix it and give it a really long pretentiously arsey and wanky title, it'll be a hit, but we just lock our whole audience in the dark in silence and let them create their own sounds with their awkwardness. Who knows what might happen? We'll probably get a spontaneous orgy on film? To be honest, the noughties should be represented in puke.

RUFUS That must've been done. Like the shunt in that flick with the dude from Baywatch.

STAN I guess you're right.But then again you thought Dolphin Man: The Movie was the best thing you'd ever heard about.(RUFUS laughs, shrugging.) Fuck it, it was another shit idea anyway. I got to get some more coffee - want to come with me?

RUFUS Sure, sure. Need more snouts anyway.(Smirks at STAN, nods knowingly at STAN.) So how do you spot a shit idea from a really shitty idea?

STAN Honestly mate, you're lucky you're not a stand-up; you'd be buried somewhere by now!

RUFUS giggles, shrugging, as STAN chuckles at RUFUS as they exit to get more supplies

EPISODE TWO: SAFE THINKING [AND GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!]

RUFUS and STAN are looking out across the park, watching people go by. RUFUS squashed some rubbish into a paper take-away bag, not bothered where the ash blows. STAN hands RUFUS his cup of tea in cardboard cup; and starts to roll a smoke on the A4 pad, knocking his collection of pens onto the floor.

RUFUS Man - look at all those junkies in the park, mate?

STAN They always do it, who cares.(Nodding into the distance.) Look over there.

RUFUS Shit - they prossies?

STAN Sure as - they've got to be. You don't hang round a dump like this with fuck all to do, glammed up like some pop-tart. You'd think more poof's would be out cruising.

RUFUS Some look like they've seen better days. Bet you The Big Issue-bloke's getting more punters.

STAN(shrugging, smiling.) Mate, this isn't getting anything done. Is it?

RUFUS You reckon they'll remake Band of Gold next? They could stick Girls Aloud or The Saturdays in the remake. Pop-Porn's the future, right?

STAN(smirks.) It seems like the culture of the UK. If you want a job, you already need to have done that job in the past or must still have the job you want to keep doing it. Right? You'll be lucky, then you pray you don't lose it.(RUFUS looks baffled.) It's the same with shows now mate; I blame Hollywood first, obviously, for all those bland comic-adaptations and old TV ones. Top it all off with really dull, self-obsessed, indie films. I mean it's seems standard that it already needs to have been done before it gets re-done. Adapted, re-made, based upon, inspired by, homage too - all deadly, beastly, words blatantly admitting to having no ideas. Or it comes out as a game as well, because they know it'll do better than the film. Look at anything now, right? To be fair mate, we should be looking at computer games.

RUFUS(shaking his head at STAN, looking serious.) I know some guy, he lives near me, right, known him for ages; well, he's a programmer - before he got laid off - he was working crazy hours during the week. I'm not joking with you, it'll almost kill you. Poor bloke had a fucking really mental nervous breakdown when he got dropped - it chews you up.

STAN It's like with anything today, to be honest, Rufus. It's not that shocking, sadly. You remember Eric?(RUFUS thinks for a bit then slowly nods.) Bleaches his ginger hair?

RUFUS Oh, right - him.

STAN He was at some posh uni for a bit, before he went on part two of his endless travels across our world, space and time. But he got offered some apprenticeship but the people he was working for were absolute shits; he ended getting roasted on the dole, saved it up as much as possible, obviously getting topped-up and bailed out by the bank of mumsy and papa - then went off travelling.Came back to Britain and went straight back on the dole. His dad had tried to line him up some cosy job, but he lost his crony-job, so it's gone a bit sour. Harsh on Eric, he's always been a bit, you know, better than the rest of us - with his background and all. It's probably why we all thought he was a bit of a dick - but he was funny.(RUFUS shrugs.) He lived for Facebook, MySpace and Bebo - I can't remember them all, loads of them - all those geek-things like that which are so normal now! He probably Twits - or tweets? - as well. Is that what it's called?(RUFUS shrugs, looking confused.) Hopefully, he won't go really mental, but he was phoning me up - all the fucking time at one point; he was wondering if Stevie was still dealing. I couldn't believe he hadn't heard.

RUFUS(smiles.) Shit, that's depressing. He's been out of it for a long time.

STAN Life though - isn't it?

RUFUS You don't want to think of that shit when you want to make people laugh or interested in the shit you're doing.

STAN I think it's part of the point.

RUFUS Point? Fuck any point, it just needs the basics - fuck a point.

STAN(doing the worse "comedy" Michael Caine impression ever.) Your puns are getting on my buns, bruv!

RUFUS That was an awful impression,